AVC: March - June: The Abridged Version.

*MIGRATED FROM ANDY VS CHINA ARCHIVES*

G'day all,

There has been nothing really that has happened that merits its own singular post for the past four months. I decided that I would wait until my holidays began to update this board. But, now I am actually doing it I'm not if my memory is up to speed. I'll give it a shot though.

March:

I took a different route this time when heading back to China. This was so I could avoid the mind numbing 12 hours I spent at Hong Kong airport twice last year. Singapore was my first stop-over from Brisbane. If Singapore airport is any indication of what the rest of Singapore is like then it is ruthlessly tidy. It was night time and I was only there for a short time so I didn't have a chance to find out. My next stop-over was Shanghai. By this time I was extremely tired as I hadn't slept at all. My problem is I have an uncontrollable paranoia of sleeping in moving transport surrounded by strangers. I can't escape the thought that the minute I shut my eyes one of them will be prying through my bags and liberating me of my worldly goods. By the end of the second flight I must have been a sorry sight, with one eye closed, the other struggling to stay open to give the impression that I am indeed a sentient being. Then of course there's the small trail of saliva that refused to stay where it belonged. For some reason when I left the plane I had lost my hair-tie, I must have let my guard down for a brief moment and it was pinched.

Once at Shanghai international airport I somehow lost all logical thought and had no idea where I was or what I was doing there. I had orignally decided that I would take the scenic route from Shanghai to Wuhan with a train. To capture the beauty of the Chinese landscape in my mind. Yet, when it actually comes down to it nature and beauty can go stuff itself, I wanted to get to Wuhan as quickly as possible. So I came to the conclusion that I should buy a place ticket. And just like in all situautions like that all traces of Chinese language that I had learnt the previous year vanished. So to all Chinese I appeared as fresh meat. A young man approached me and asked if I needed a taxi, I said that would be most helpful. He was extremely friendly and knew quite a bit of English. As I sat in his taxi I was thinking 'everything is going to be a-ok'. What I didn't know is that many of the taxi drivers in this area are all extremely friendly and like to prey on new travellers. So after the 20 minute drive to Shanghai domestic I was swiftly 500 yuan poorer. Too tired to argue with the man who suddenly didn't understand English I left the taxi and bought a ticket to Wuhan.

I was in Wuhan for just one day crashing at my friend Carmen's place. The next day I hitched a lift back with my school's minbus which was occupied by women going on a shopping spree. So they made sure to stop at as many shopping centres on the way back.

It was a great relief to make it back to the Jianghan oil field and I felt at ease as we overtook the tractors with loads as high as 15 metres and the donkey drawn buggies. The sun ricocheted off the slime covered waters and there were no birds worth mentioning. There was no fanfare or parade as I came back, which I'm sure was because they were being considerate and knew I would be tired. And as a nice gesture Peggy and Sarika had tidied my apartment while I was away, a horror filled tale that they informed me about later. I was home again and glad to be so.

Because I had arrived later than I was supposed to, there was not much rest and I was back in school the next day. There was a bit of confusion with the timetable as the school realised that if I did all the classes they gave then they would have to pay overtime. To solve this problem they scaled the timetable back so I could receive the average pay. Cheap bastards. My classes were pretty much the same as the second half of last year, but I did have several new classes which was good as last years classes could be summed up as an experiment in teaching.

The biggest surprise of my return was that a new restaurant had opened in town that served western food. It seemed to me that sometimes prayers do get answered. I went there straight away to meet the boss and staff whose friendship would prove vital over the next few months. The food was standard, but after I bit of tutorials from myself it has now reached the stage of mouth watering. They also had a large range of western spirits, which didn't interest me at the time. As some you may have noticed I was some what put off alcohol during my Australia trip. This soon changed.

April - May:

Very little happened within the months of April-May. Because of last year I have become fully accustomed to living here and nothing that happened was of a surprising nature. I spent most of my time at school, at home or out with some people. And for the life of me I cannot remember even one event that stands out from the rest.

Coincidentally at this time I started drinking again, vast quantities of alcohol to be precise. I do vaguely remember one evening at the foreign bar where I had been peacfully sipping my beer when the boss offered me a speical kind of alcohol, Snake wine. Now this isn't a carefully marketed name to attract males who want to drink something that sounds like it could force hairs out of your chest. Now this was quite liteally a large jug sitting on the table that was inhabited by a clearly dead and slightly drunk snake. Apparently the combination of a snakes poison and metholated spirits creates a drink that stimulates the senses and quickly makes them void.

Not one to miss out on trying new things I washed my throat with the stuff. Anyway, the next day I woke up in a state of confusion mainly because I felt I had been robbed of the previous evening. I somehow had got home, though it wasn't from my bike which was not present. I stumbled back to the restaurant to try to find some answers. I was greeted by cheers from the staff and had somehow been elevated to drink god over night. I found out that after the initial cup of snake wine, that I methodically had another and a further five. As well as six bottles of beer, three shots of bourbon, two shots of tequila with lemon and salt (as it should be) and some sort of fruit daquiri. At one point in the night I had gone to the bathroom and apparently given my head and upper torso a bath in the sink. Which was a relief, because I thought my clothes had been wet from another source.

Snake wine became a common part of my diet after that and I learnt that alcohol in small doses is both pleasant and allows you to remain in control. But, of course I'm not one to practice what I preach and the boss and myself were drunker faster than a fire speading though a house. I soon realized that the reason I had gotten drunk so easily was that it had been a long time since I had drunk a lot, so from then on I started my training to get back up to speed.

June:

Though this month is not yet over I may as well mention it in this post. This month the only thought on my mind was that holiday time is soon approaching. The weeks had been speeding past for the past few months, but screeched to a halt when it got to the final one. The final week was excruciating. It is hard for a student to get through the final few weeks craving for their holiday time. It is even harder I've found out for the teacher. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy teaching and I do like my students, but it had been a very busy few months of work and I was due for a rest. Luckily I had other things to take my mind off it. The Dragon Boat festival came and I only found out about it halfway through the morning. Last year I had missed out on seeing any boat races because they don't have them in this town. This time I was determined not to spend the entire day on dry land.

I called Peggy and said that we were going to the local park and hiring a boat. There were a group of recently graduated students who had the same idea. And they unwillingly became part of my race. My belly trembled with laughter as we paddled our way slowly down the o-shaped river. I took great pleasure in intentionally barging our boat into the students causing them to spin uncontrolably. We were rewarded by gaining so much distance in front of them that they could no longer be seen behind. It was if they weren't actually racing. Even if it was only a one boat race we still came first, which did wonders for my ego. We waited by the dock for the students to pull in so I could enthusiastically remind them at the same time that I was indeed a winner and they had in fact lost. They took so long that I gave up and would have to wait for another occasion to pig-headedly announce victory on my behalf.

Last Friday was THE day, last day of my term. In my final class I got so impatient that I took the students outside to play some basketball. They shrieked with glee as we made our way down there. I was waiting for my moment that I could make a cunning escape when they asked me to play with them. I could hardly say no, they gave me a free shot which tragically fell short of the hoop. Something I insisted was an act of god combined with a freak gust of wind. Despite my claims they rarely passed the ball my way after that. Anywho, the bell sirened it's sweet call of freedom and I left.

The near future:

Now that the holiday is here I have decided to use it well. Next week I have to return to the school for some volunteer work. Some students from the countryside who are interested in studying at my school will be coming over a period of a week and I will be one of the teachers who is pursuading them to do just that.

Another development that has just come about is my possible debut on local television. Well second actually, earlier this year I participated in a commercial for the western restaurant. This one is much bigger though. I'm not quite sure of all the details as of now, but I'll let you know all I do. Last week I met the Head of Propaganda who is in charge of television, radio, newspaper and all other forms of media for the area. He is also the father of one of my former students. He told me of some of his woes, the main of which being that he is afraid that very few students know how to be independent. His idea is to make me the face of indepedence for this area by giving me my own spot on television. The Andy Scott show as it were. Now this idea is only in its infant stage, but he is the one that can make it happen. Finally people will be able to catch my hijinks from the safety of their home. But, I won't say it is definate as nothing ever is. I can imagine myself a month from now typing here about the cancellation of the show. It's best to wait and see.

I have also decided to fight my dislike of travel and take a long trip towards the end of July. I will be first travelling to Xi'an which is of course famous for its terracotta warriors. No China trip would be complete without a visit to Beijing, which I haven't as yet seen. Now I cannot begin to describe to you how completely uninterested I am with travelling. Whether I see the Great Wall or not is not that big a deal for me. I think that thanks to the media and being exposed to all the negative aspects of life has drainied all urges to venture out and see it. The main reason I'm travelling is my third destination of Harbin. This is a large city that rests on the border of Mongolia and Russia. The main sites in this city include my old friends Kazeem and his new wife Carmen. I will be joining them for their one year anniversary at the beginning of August. I don't think there is anything else better that I would like to do during these holidays.

Ok, so that pretty much sums up what has happened and could be happening to me for this year so far. The most important thing is that I have thoroughly enjoyed myself here and have had little to no drama. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to relay back to everyone during the holidays and I will try to write more often. Not that I'm the only one guilty of that. *glares*

So if anyone would care to write their own abridged versions of the past half a year I would love to hear about it.

Catch you soon.

An Hei Dao
The Safety Pirate (Literal translation)