AVC: Sen Dan Jie Kuai Le (Merry Christmas.)

*MIGRATED FROM ANDY VS CHINA ARCHIVES*

I am going to break all writing etiquette here by writing under the influence of alcohol. But it is always best to write while events are fresh in your mind. Here is the story of Christmas 2005, a story so good it is worth reading at least once. At the very least.

Saturday the 24th December

A few weeks ago I made a promise to my friends at Di Hao. For a low price I would transform myself into Father Christmas and parade myself around town for the amusement of all that saw me. At what price would I do this for? Well a free meal and a bottle of whiskey would suffice. After all I'm not that demanding. And since the real Santa also only gets cookies and milk, I think I'm being pretty authentic by staying in character.

So upon the morning of the 24th I donned the ol' red and white. We had gone to a taliors to make the clothes so it could be a perfect fit, but that proved to be a bit expensive for the restaurant. They found a pre-made costume in Wuhan and brought it back for me. Unfortunately the trousers were not designed for real sized men and the moment I sat down I heard that all too familiar tearing noise. I still had a bit of time so I started sewing them back together, but it was to no avail nothing would stop me from walking around with torn trousers that day. The beard didn't fit too well either.

I went to main gate of my school to wait for a lift. Soon it came and we travelled to the far end of our oil field. I was given a sack of chips and toys and shoved out into the cruel world that wouldn't understand why someone would be walking down the street handing out free things. We made the most of it and I paraded myself around exclaiming season greetings to ears that could not comprehend. They enjoyed the gifts nonetheless. All in all we spent three hours walking around whilst trying not to explain why Santa was wearing crotchless pants. Obviously a punishable offense in other countries. I hid my shame well.

After the sack was empty we made our way to the restaurant for a quick lunch. Quick because the days events were still not over. That evening was to be the debut of my play "A Lesson On Love.' I was a tad worried not because I would be performing it in front of a live audience, but because it was obviously not ready to be displayed to anyone. Yet we showed true grit and went on with it.

In the performing hall (hotel karaoke room) I set up my camera to catch history in the making. I also went to make sure that the music was all cued up. Of course there were technical difficulties with the cd and one of the songs would not play. One of the Chinese teachers went to fetch another cd which also had our music and it was no problem. But, at the time it was very stressful for myself as a director, because it was my duty to see that everything went through with no flaws.

So now armed with the music we practised the songs and tested out our dance moves. A cannot verbally describe how pathetic it looked, it is something that has to been to be believed. There was nothing to stop it from happening. A disaster happening in slow motion and nil to do to cease its destructive nature. The show must go on of couse and the audience came in unknowing of what was about to happen to them.

I may be exaggerating about how bad it was though. Maybe it is my unwillingness to accept anything I do to be anything but 100% ready. Probably why nothing I've thought of has ever made it to the light of day before this. I will not describe the performance in detail, I'll let video do that for me. So, very soon I'll have that ready and figure out someway of letting everyone seeing it.

Either way the sound of applause was definately heard after we finished out final song and following bow to the audience. We then went to the dinig room for a congratulatory dinner, which may have been a bit of premature decision. We gorged ourselves on various dishes, I slowly ate because I knew that the best dishes always appeared at the end. needed to leave some room for that. Sure enough the doors opened and in came the Shou Kou San Kai and Chi Zi Tou, followed by the ultimate dish Tang Chu Ni Ji.

I had spent the month sobering up and had not imbibed any spirits whatsoever. But if you try to get out, they just pull you back in. The baijiu filled the base of my cup, as I wouldn't allow any more than that. I had intended to wait to the next day before having any spirits. The headmasters however had different plans. I satisfied them by drinking beer.

Once all the cheers and other toasts haddied down and stomachs were fit to burst we decided to call it a night. We caught a taxi back home and intended to go straight to land of nod. Instead we went to the apartment below and continued drinking into the night talking about everything imaginable. Luckily our imaginations were not up to par so there ws little to discuss. Finally we said farewell and passed out for the count.

Various alcohols drunk over the period of the day:

Rum
Gin
Vodka
Bourbon
Baijiu
Beer
White wine
Red wine

In general all the basics. I think I'll sleep now and finish the rest in the morning...

Okay, through the magic of the internet I can get eight hours of sleep and still make it look like continuity wasn't broken at all.

Sunday the 25th of December

Christmas Day. I woke up to the sound of sleighbells on the roof and a familiar laugh. Well, not really, but would have been cool if I did. I raced to the window to see if it had finally snowed yet. I was very surprised to see a sea of fog that made its way right up to my front door. Nothing outside was visible, so if it had snowed I wouldn't know. It would have been a remarkable coincidence had it poured a layer of sleet on this particular day. I received a phone call from home and spoke with the familia, pulled my Christmas cracker and got the joke from within. Christmas cracker jokes are notorious for being the lamest thing ever printed on paper. This one was no exception.

What is sweet and swings through trees? ..... "A Tarzipan."

They must be getting to the bottom of the joke pile to pull out a gem like that. Afterewards I pulled my Santa trousers out and began to do some heavy duty sewing to get them into a respectable shape. Once the seems were again reunited I tried them on. First step and no noticeable difficulties. Second step, sitting down I didn't hear any irritating tearing sound. I thanked my fortune. It was only went I leant over to put my socks on that the entire ensemble gave a way to once again give a perfect view of my undergarments. It is embaressing to say the least, Santa only has to be appear once a year and when he does it should be in clothes that don't have a large noticeable hole in them.

Once again I walked around town handing out presents to children I saw. Today they were a bit more aggressive and I was nearly mugged by an army of 7-9 year olds. Safely back in Di Hao I started the photo sessions with all children that were eating there that day. There was a familiar face sitting at one of the tables and I went to greet her. She is the reporter that did an interview with me back in July for the local news paper. She wanted to hear what effect the original report had on my life here in town. We talked for a while and took some more photos. This one should appear in next weeks addition, which also happens to be the first paper of the new year.

More people piled in and the restaurant was consumed by the sounds of familes eating and enjoying themselves. I sat down at my table and was presented with my bottle of Jack Daniels, it was all worth it in the end. If the children had the patience to stay they might have seen the image of Santa stumbling around acting mischevious. We then ordered our lunch and I took out the Tim Tams which I had been sent a week earlier. You see all other countries unfortunately cannot buy these biscuits and we Australians should feel sorry for them. Especially at this time of year, so I let the others have a taste of one of our greatest creations.

Old Jack Daniels had nearly been finished by the time the other foreign teachers had to get back to their town. I stayed for a bit longer to see if I could help put anymore. But, there was nothing else that needed to be done. And an old friend had shown up wanting to take me out for a dinner and of course a drink. We went down to the Xiao Chi Yi Tiao Jie (Little food street) and ordered a couple of typical Chinese dishes. Luckily I was able to refuse any baijiu and once again they were forced to settle for me drinking beer instead.

We had a few laughs together, but time was pressing. I wanted to get home and sleep the sleep of kings. Around 8:30 my wish came true and we all said farewell. I caught a ma mu back to my apartment and started writing this. And...well you know where it goes from here.

Busiest Christmas ever! But, it was very fulfilling to be out spreading Christmas cheer this time. There were a lot of poor children that will always have the memory of Santa coming up to them and giving them a present. That gives me a warm feeling inside and thats not just the alcohol disagreeing with my stomach. But, now it is time to put away all the decorations and get back to normal. I hope everyone else had a great Christmas or whatever it was you celebrated. See you in the new year!

- Andy Scott

AVC: The Di Hao Chronicles

*MIGRATED FROM ANDY VS CHINA ARCHIVES*

I've gotten fairly close to Di Hao, our Western restuarant here. To say I'm merely attached would be an understatement. It is the only place in town where I can comfortably sit down on a sofa, listen to music and have a whiskey or pizza. The staff and owners are my closest friends in China. So at the beginning of December when I heard they were going to renovate and be closed for around twenty days, I was a little sad to say the least.

Though it would be a good chance to lose some of the weight I packed on from going there every day. Also the organs that remove the liquor from my body could have an overdue rest. I will admit that I am sad person as I still went there whenever I could to see what progress was happening to my little Eden. I would help out where I could. Finally today the hammers and saws were put away, paint brushed were left to dry and the furniture came back. Apart from an apparently odd paint choice, the changes were acceptable. And because I;m such a loyal customer they even left my old sofa there in the same place without changing anything in that area.

I'm not sure why they aren't opening tomorrow, maybe it is some last minute checks or something. But, they will be opening again Friday, I know where I'll be.

Though I felt I had to get out of there tonight. They started decorating the restaurant for Christmas. I don;t know about other peoples experiences, but the Christmas decorations were always a fun part of Christmas. I looked foward to it. The same old tree coming out with all the familiar decorations. Everything going in the same place as the year before. A collection of Christmas cards from friends and family cover the walls and any other space left over. There is a lot of love in this. Watching them do this tonight I'm sure you could cut the indifference to it all with a knife.

I know it is a new holiday for them to be celebrating and they don't understand why they have a large tree in the middle of their room amongst other traditions. This is why I didn't criticise them and left. Last year I didn't do anything and it worked out well. No all of a sudden I have to be confronted with this. Arguing about what angle the star should face, about how balls are on the tree, etc.. The fact they felt it was a chore really put me off.

I have one final obstacle to overcome. I agreed to be the Di Hao's Santa Claus for Christmas Day. I'll be walking around the town in my Santa outfit complete with beard giving lollies to children and calendars to adults. I'm really looking foward to it, but I also know that it is going to be a really trying day. Chinese small children are probably amongst the most spoilt on Earth, since everyone is an only child. Needless to say there will be much pushing and shoving, if they even get excited at all. Free lollies ought to accomplish that. I'm hoping that it will turn out well.

I'll post more on that after it happens. In the meantime lets have a countdown to the big day itself.

There are only two more sleeps until Di Hao opens up again!

AVC: "I'd never do that"... A sure fire expression to make sure things happen.

*MIGRATED FROM ANDY VS CHINA ARCHIVES*

f you want to make sure you will do something in the future make sure to start your sentence with "I'd never..." Worried you're apartment is getting too messy, simply say "I'd never clean my apartment." Soon enough, you'll be down on your hands and knees scrubbing those stubborn stains. What am I getting at here? Well, you'll see.

I can remember being an innocent and wide eyed 15 year old schoolboy, only partially sure of the cold and uncaring world we live in. I can also remember proclaiming to the world "I'd never drink alcohol, it is really bad for you." And we all know how that one turned out. Shortly after that I made a second proclaimation "Smoking is for losers, you'll never see me doing that." Nearly five years later I'm on a pack a day. Lest I forget that during the final weeks of high school I vowed "Why would anyone want to become a teacher? I'd never do that." Yet another goal achieved against the will of my younger self.

Just yesterday another one was achieved...



For years I have been against the idea of getting any form of tattoo or body art. Unfortunately I was against it so much that I said "I'd never get one!" First mistake right there. So a few days ago I found my opinion on them had taken a complete 180 degree spin and I was now determined to get one. The number one worry about tattoos is "Could I live with it for my entire life? What if I get sick of it?" Well that thought came to my mind as well as I surfed the net looking for a design. I knew I would have to get something that suited me exactly. What better than a pirate skull and cross swords? In your minds maybe quite a bit. But, for me my nickname for the last two years in China has been 'Pirate' or 'Hei Dao' (the Chinese equivalent.) So there is no doubt in my mind that I chose the right one.

However, the symbol by itself looks both pretentious and ordinary. I wanted somthing that could capture my experience here, whilst also saying something about me. I knew then I needed some Chinese characters there too. Getting Chinese characters tattooed is pretty popular in the west. Many people choosing 'Strength', 'Honour' and loads of other meanings that most likely have nothing to do with the person who has it. My tattoo says 'Zhe Shi Wen Shen.' People can look at it and wonder what special message it is telling, but there is no message at all. Translated into English is says 'This is a tattoo.' It is a personal joke, for non-Chinese can't read it and Chinese don't think it is very funny, which is understandable. Imagine if you wrote that message in English and see how many people found it funny, not many I'm sure.

I had the design I wanted and the means to do it. I went away to my friends house in the next town to ponder about my decision. I had two days to back out if I changed my mind. But, all I could think about is how I couldn't wait to get it done. Strange.

We all went to Jinmen a nearby demi-city. An easy way to tell if a city in China is not a town is to find out if the place has a McDonalds. That is how we rank cities here, one Maccas and it's just starting out, two Maccas and it is a decent sized city and more than three Maccas must mean it is fully developed. We located the tattoo studio in town and proceeded to show our designs. They looked in bewilderment at my choice and asked if it was correct. I assured them that was what I wanted.

We ascended up the stairs into the actual studio and got right into it. I waited as the two I was with got their tattoos done. I watched the entire process as a mother would watching her child playing dangerously close to the edge of a cliff, with restrained concern. A cream is placed on the area where the tatto is to be and then the design is placed on top, it sucks the ink of the paper creating a stencil for the artist. You look at its postion and decide whether it looks okay. Having given the thumbs up, out comes the needle. It is a lot like colouring in, except that it is a needle that inserts ink under the skin. So comparng the two is like saying that a cat and a lion are both from the same family.

Finally it is my turn, I lay down on a bed on my side. I'd been told that I shouldn't drink alcohol before getting it done as it thins the blood, meaning that you will lose a lot more of it. As he attached the design to my skin I got a first glimpse of the artwork that would forever be a part of me. Soon...very soon. The needle was dipped into the ink as a quill would do and it began. If someone ever tells you that it doesn't hurt to get a tattoo, firmly punch them in their jaw for me. The pain is acute for sure, but it is constant. I began cursing that I hadn't taken any painkillers or at least some whiskey before we began. I pressed play on my MP3, lit up a smoke and tried to get comfortable for the long haul ahead. One hour later he said we could have a break, I thought we may have been finished. As I glanced across at my arm I saw that only the outline had been done, there was still the colouring in to go.

I also noticed the pool of blood that had been collecting in that area. Now understanding that all the wiping he had been doing was not to catch escaping ink, but the blood that was coming out after each penetration. It also explained why my hands and feet were very cold, as there was little blood in them. The break was short and we got back to it. As I lay there I smile creeped onto my face as a song I must have subconsciously placed on my tracklist a few weeks earlier began to play...

"One love and a, one woman
You're my new tattoo
Tonight is the very first night of my life with you
Until the day I die
I promise it's true
Everyone will see my new tattoo."

I had put the song on there before I even had the idea of getting this done. It gave me renewed energy and made me realise that this was probably meant to be. Time went on and I regularly looked to see how much had been completed, each time thinking I'm sure it should be more than that by now. My friends came back from lunch and shopping in time to see the final character being filled in. I sat up slowly as the artist was doing the final wipe and looked into the mirror and at my new tattoo for the first time. There was no rush, no sudden excitement, but there was satisfaction in my face at that moment and especially relief that it was all over. Two and a half hours had passed since I first lay down on that bed and my arm was understandably sore. One thing that didn't make sense to me was that you would think over such a long period of time the flesh would become numb. But, it never did. I felt it every time the needle stabbed the skin. I'll remember that if there ever is a next time. So, we made our farewells and motioned our way to the bus station.

That is the end. I realise the significance of our choices now. Life really is intriguing and you never know what is going to happen next. But, the most important thing to remember is 'Never say never.' As far as we know we only live once, may as well make the most of it.

I'm off to put some more vaseline on to try and get the swelling down. Hardcore!

Andy Scott
Lewd, Crude and Tattooed