An Hai Dao - Journal

The End

2012-02-01T09:59:00.001+10:00

Welcome to the very last entry for this journal! I've been mulling it over the last week or so and decided this was the right way to go. I've felt less and less like coming here and writing about the events of my life, it just hasn't seemed necessary. In the past it was a valuable tool helping me make sense of the chaos, something that doesn't seem to be part of my life anymore. I'm not saying my life is perfect right now or that I won't ever make changes to my goals and plans, but I am at the stage where I can make sense of all my moods. I can easily tell when I'm being overwhelmed or anxious about something and I know the right steps to take at that point. In effect, I am now normal and healthy...well about as normal and healthy as I ever could be.

Here's my current situation. I'm continuing my work at Amnesty International, I'll be heading up the arts activism group which will be a continuation of the ARTillery Festival I helped run at the end of last year. I'll be recruiting volunteers to help use the arts to raise awareness about human rights issues. Currently I am the only member of this group, unless Carmen decides she wants to be involved. But once I've advertised it among the Amnesty channels it should be pretty easy to get more volunteers. We're starting off by attending two concerts in February, with Flannelette playing The Hi-Fi Bar on the 11th and ARTillery Festival headliners The Secret Whisper playing The Zoo on the 24th. Will be attempting to do one or two of these sort of events per month with local Brisbane bands and perhaps even international acts too.

Obviously this won't be the only thing we'll be doing through the group, I just don't want to go into full detail right now. I've signed on for three courses at UQ and will be continuing my Bachelor of Arts in Political Science. Everyone says that university is a lot easier when you have an idea about what you want to achieve by the end of it. Well I guess I'll find out as I now have a very clear idea of what I want to do in my life. I've become a member of the Amnesty UQ group and will be meeting with them next week some time. I'll be helping out with the O-Week stall trying to get more volunteers to the group. I'm supposedly also going to be sent over to other universities to try and encourage people to start new Amnesty groups on campus. That'll be interesting.

Oh and I'll still be working at the petrol station. I know it sounds like a lot, but I think I'm ready for it. I proved last year that I could handle working casually as well as the very time consuming work that I was doing at Amnesty. I'm going to be pretty busy, but I really believe I can handle it. I am keeping a close eye on things and the moment I feel like I'm taking too much on I take a step back. I'll be off my meds in about two months from now. Just waiting until my current prescription card runs out and I'm done.

Well that pretty much sums things up. It's been a grea...it's been a journey these past 8 years that I've kept this site going, so that means the entire period of my twenties thus far. Wow, I'm really tempted to go back to start and have a read through. Not right now though. I'll leave this post up for a week and then I'll replace it with a single post explaining what this journal was about and a link to the beginning. I just want to say thank you to anyone that has kept up with this journal over the years and if you've just finished reading through it you're a fucking trooper, ha ha. That's it for me, I might start other writing projects in the future and have them on this site. But for now I'm going to start living without that nagging feeling at the back of my head that I need to write for the first time in nearly a decade. FREEEEEEEDDDDDOOOOOOMMM!!!!

Andy Scott

Woodford Day 03

2011-12-28T21:40:00.001+10:00

Apparently I didn't save my draft from before, that's a shame. It's 9:30 at night, I'm on a camping chair outside the Amnesty tent, listening to some jazz from a nearby tent. I've decided to camp in the marquee tonight and see if that's nicer. It also means I can hang out at the stall for longer and try and get some more petitions going.

Had a moment of rage earlier, one of those moment where you briefly lose faith. The tipping point a woman who annoyed by our asking her to sign retorted with 'I didn't come to a festival to sign petitions', I had to leave for a short while after that.

It's hard to comprehend that a festival very closely based on the 1960s flower power counterculture can have such uncaring people. "would you like to support women's rights" "no thank you"... Amazing the amount of women that say "no thanks". But I've also met so many passionate people, some much more disheartened than I and I took the opportunity to try and raise their optimism which in turn did the same for me. I've spent a good few hours today just having conversations with people, some in the know and others that hadn't a clue but wanted to know more.

The amount of young people stopping by has been heartwarming, even all the really young kids. I didn't even know what a petition was at their age. We're up to 526 petitions over two days which is the most I've ever seen in my 5 month stay at Amnesty.

My aim is to get that number to 1,500. We had one amazing woman that took a stack of cards and went into the street and started going up to heaps of people and leading them to our tent. We're not allowed to do that, but I wasn't about to stop her. We decided that's exactly what we're going to do on the last day, so even (worst case scenario) we're kicked out, it's the last day and shouldn't matter.

Gotye must've finished, a lot of people just started walking past. I should get back to it. Night all.

Andy Scott

Woodford Day 02

2011-12-27T23:13:00.001+10:00

Not the worst night of sleep ever, but there was room for improvement, no room for my feet though. Tent is just a smidgen too small, even Carmen had to sleep diagonally in her tent. We bought the same tent as each other. Well technically Carmen copied me. Heh. Took half an hour to an hour to find the Amnesty tent, we're across from a bakery. Ooh the temptations.

I'm not in activist mode just yet, figure I'll let everybody have their breakfast first. And I'm a little tired myself...

Time lapse! I'm now back in bed, the background noise is of five different stages trying to outdo one another. There is nothing nice about camping. It's both boiling and then freezing, I'm itchy and cramped, it smells of wet clothes, there's probably spiders in with me and definitely mosquitoes. Oh and the cold showers...

But the festival makes it worth it because it was majorly enjoyable and I cannot wait to get back to it tomorrow. We ended up with 321 signatures for our Egyptian equality campaign. Almost double what we got for the Harvest Festival. Met so many people too, gonna have met everyone at the festival by the end of this.

Should sleep, must remember to update throughout the day tomorrow. Probably won't. Heh.

Andy Scott

ARTillery Follow-up & Woodford Day 01

2011-12-26T21:05:00.001+10:00

So it's been two weeks, what can I say I've been very lazy. I've been taking it fairly easy the last fortnight, destressing after the craziness of organizing ARTillery. I didn't end up being really worried when we were setting up on Thursday and Friday the 8th and 9th. We'd done all the hard work and just had to push everything in the right direction.

Hate to do this but I'm going to cut this short and summarize the help out of it. I'm in a tent at Woodford right now and I want to sleep. The weekend was a great success, we ended up with 160 or so the first night. The place was packed with peoples, very exciting. Teri and I gave speeches, mine informal, hers tugged on my heart strings.

Rained a lot for the rest of the weekend so there were much less peoples. It was supposedly one of the best events Amnesty QLD has ever done, I'm very pleased with that. They said that they want me to stay on board and hope I can do more events in the future.

I certainly will! I've decided to re-enter the academic world. Good thing my enrollment hadn't expired. I'll be doing two subjects this semester and will be working closely with the UQ Amnesty group.

I'll be at Woodford for the next week campaigning for women's rights in Egypt. But it's pretty much a vacation. Man there's a lot of loud people around here... I do have earplugs.

Sorry this was so short, just felt like I should post something but wasn't really in the mood. Well that's it then.

Andy Scott

Fatigue and Adrenalin.

2011-12-08T05:28:00.001+10:00

Just one day to go and I was probably a tad optimistic about how ready we were. Doesn't help that work needs me to come in this morning, the guy they're letting go is being let go earlier than planned. Ah wells I'll be done by midday and then can race over to te Amnesty office to help out there.

I've got to finalize the specifics for the musicians today, it can be really difficult to just get an answer to some questions. We had to get a marquee to keep the event at at a certain level of awesomeness, we have a lot riding on that courtyard. Otherwise it's pretty much just a gallery room and it'd be hard to engage people in there.

We're doing volunteer training today as well. Everyone needs to be fluent in the campaigns, but also their roles for the weekend. Then we're gonna head off to West End, the City and the Valley to hand out the remainder of the business cards.

Oh and I'm getting a tattoo today, was getting it Tuesday but that was just a stupid idea. Fortunately they were able to shift it to this afternoon. Hope I'm not too woozy for the remainder of the day. Heh. Man, I need sleep. Can't remember my last day off, I've lost count. I'm also working five days next week for the first time, not going to make that a regular thing, they just really need my help right now.

I'm thinking from this experience whether I really want to get into a management/coordinator position again. I know it'll all be worth it once we open to tomorrow, I don't regret being a part of this. But I miss having spare time, i won't say I miss my life, because this is also a very cool life. I just don't enjoy this level of busyness. Or maybe I do deep down... I'll find out when it's over and if feel bored.

Yeah, I'll probably want to do something else. Ha ha. Urgh. Just blanked out for a few minutes. I shouldn't make it sound like I'm miserable. I get to open a fucking art exhibition tomorrow, who could have seen that coming even six months ago, not I. I'm now very well known in the QLD Amnesty community and have several prospects lined up for 2012. I have it good and I'm doing great things.

That seems a good point to end on, I'll be writing again tomorrow from the exhibition at different intervals and then will upload at the end of the day. Fingers crossed time. Love you all.

Andy Scott

Physical Graffiti.

2011-12-05T11:11:00.001+10:00

Sitting down at Jugglers Art Space. Gus, our graffiti artists, is hard at work completing the mural that will be the backdrop to our bands. I'm filming it so as to make a time lapse video, so there's not a lot for me to do in the meantime.

Went on 4ZZZ yesterday with Carmen and also Jess & Billy from The Secret Whisper, our headlining band. Was a little nervous before going in but once we hit the studio room I felt at ease. After all I know what I'm talking about and can improvise fairly well if need be. I spoke with a few people afterward that said it went really well, it did feel like it went really well. Looks like we'll never get to listen first hand though as they don't record the program. That's a shame, but it's okay because we spoke about everything we needed to and the message is now out way more than it was. But after our mX article comes out some time this week we should have huge exposure.

Vanessa, the host of the program, mentioned to us that if we were ever interested in doing out own show we could get training from 4ZZZ. I am seriously considering it. I was planning on starting my Casual Activism blog again in the new year, but what if I had a weekly radio show instead. I'd try for something like The Daily Show, except more of a focus on human rights activism. I'll have to find someone that's interested in partnering up with me for it. Will have a think.

Then we went to the Amnesty End of Year party at the Indooroopilly bowls clubs. Never played lawn bowls before, very different to regular bowling, you're not supposed to go full speed like my first attempt. Although subsequent tries weren't much better. It was a little quiet, everyone weary from a long year of fighting for people's rights. That and the recent redundancies made it a little difficult to be 100% positive.

I have a lot to do today. On my way back to the office I'm going to stop into the tattoo studio and ask them about doing the Amnesty tattoo on my wrist and filming it for the exhibition. It's an idea that's stayed with me right from the beginning. Although originally I wanted to get the tattoo done live on the opening night in front of everyone. That was quickly vetoed, probably for sane reasons.

I feel remarkably calm despite the fact that it all happens in less than 5 days from now. We are on top of this, it is going to be excellent. Whether people come and take part is up to them, we will have done out part. I'm very proud of myself for what I've done these last few months. That's all from me.

Andy Scott

Less Than One Week.

2011-12-03T07:48:00.001+10:00

I'm on route to meet with Carmen to set up for the Laneway markets. Never actually been to them myself, didn't know they existed until about a week ago. Probably the way they like it, keeps the riff raff out. :) I'll be there until around midday at which point I'll be going over to Jugglers Art Space to film Gus spray painting our enormous ARTillery mural on the back wall.

We're preparing a time lapse video to entice people into coming. I've only seen photos of it so far, Carmen has done all the filming till now. Hoping to avoid an altercation with the previous graffiti artist whom we had to release from responsibility for being really bad at getting in touch with us. He'll supposedly be in today because he wants to chat. Eh, deal with that as it comes.

This time next week will be smack bang in the middle of the exhibit. At this point I'm enormously excited for it to take place, but I also want my life back a little. Ha ha. It's been one of the greatest experiences of my life, certainly the most responsibility I've ever had. Not even anything I did in China was this big.

The next week will probably be a blur, which is why I want to rest a bit today. I'll do that after the markets. Tomorrow I'm going to 4ZZZ around midday to give a live interview. Not nervous about that right now, I'll go over my media training once I get home later today.

That's not our first media foray this week. We're getting an article in December's issue of Village News and did a photo shoot for mX, that'll be out early next week. I do hope it's front cover. :) From Tuesday this week we'll be setting up the gallery, Carmen is in charge of the artworks and I'm to get it all Amnesty like. It's kind of daunting having an exhibition where you haven't seen most of the artworks. Ha ha. But I've spoken to the artists in the last couple of days and everything is on schedule.

I'll try and get one more entry in before the exhibition at which point I'm going to attempt some live logging. Okay, here's to an extremely busy week ahead. Cheers. <3

Andy Scott

Thoughts On Life In The Present.

2011-11-28T05:29:00.001+10:00

Had myself a day off yesterday, which has become something of a rarity. Two weeks from today and the ARTillery festival will be over and I'll be filling in all the evaluation forms, sending all the petitions down to Sydney and making sure everything is in its right place. It's going to be a big weekend judging by the response we've had so far.

I'll be getting in touch with all of our artists in the next few days, I've already seen some updates from them and there are going to be some brilliants works. At this point I'm still worried about fitting everything in, but Carmen keeps telling me it'll be fine and she's pretty experienced at curating.

Some time this week we'll be meeting a journalist from mX to get an article and photo in their newspaper. This Sunday I'll also be appearing on 4ZZZ for an interview. This week is all about raising awareness, we're doing a pretty good job of that.

We were at the West End markets at 4:30am this past Saturday to set up a stall for ARTillery. We finally got our business card sized flyers and badge maker during the week, both of which were quite popular. We also took action for women in Egypt once again. We had 55 people take action which was absolutely fantastic. Carmen and I had to head back to the office around 9am because we and the other ARTillery coordinators were being trained by the national team on how to train our own volunteers. Those guys are starting their events this week, wow it's so close!

I've gone down a dose on my anti-depressants, down to 75mg of Efexor a day now. Technically there's a 37.5mg dose that's the smallest, but I won't be going on it. Once my current prescription finishes in about five months I'm going to be off them completely. At least that's the plan. Apparently I've already been on these for a year, can't believe it's been that long already. A few months of cipramil before that, then I realized that in a few months it'll have been five years since I returned from China. Though it's only been about half that time since I started getting professional help.

I'm excited, just a few more months and I can consider that portion of my life closed. Who knows what's going to have become of my life by then? I've already come so far these past few months, so far.

I'm starting my fourth week at my service station job today. I don't wake up going 'Urgh, I wish I didn't have to go', even if it is at 4am. Very good sign, as far as paid work goes I'm very content. After that I've got to head over to Amnesty for my reception shift and weekly ARTillery meeting with the team. Busy day. :) But I'm used to it now I'm glad to say.

Well I probably won't write anything for another week at which point I should be pretty nervous. Won't think about that right now though. There's a lot to do. Have a great week. Hugs.

Andy Scott

Harvest

2011-11-21T05:48:00.001+10:00

Remaining calm right now. There's a train track broken somewhere along the Ipswich line and the first train of the day, the one I need, is still in the train yard it would seem. I've called my employer to let them know and I guess he'll take over until I get there. Can't be helped and there's not much I can do about it, so I'm not too stressed.

Haven't had a day off since last Tuesday and won't do until this Thursday, you can be sure I ain't doing shit that day! But I can't complain too much as I've been having a pretty good time despite obvious tiredness. Met the mayor last Wednesday, I was in a bit of a smart arse mood and was trying to get a reaction out of him through my weirdness, but he was a pro and was unshakable. Until next time Quirk.

This past Saturday I was at Harvest festival volunteering at the Amnesty stall all day. Was there for about 11 hours all up and had one of the best festival experiences ever! We were campaigning for women's rights in Egypt as they will be electing their new government soon and women are being kept out of the process even though they played a huge part in overthrowing Mubarak.

Oh wow, my train's here, exactly 15 minutes late. Credit where it's due, pretty impressive to replace a broken track and get the train here only 15 minutes late. I'd better message my employer, hang on a sec. Done. Back to Harvest.

We had a tent with a great view of the Windmill stage which was the second main stage where we would see bands like Mercury Rev, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Mogwai and The Flaming Lips. It meant I could stay at the stall without worrying too much about which band to see, although I did run off for a bit to see TV On The Radio and they were awessssome.

We ended up getting 181 actions from people which is pretty good by our standards. It's a shame what with so many people that you couldn't get a lot more than that especially as we're only asking people to fill in a card and not asking for any money. But this is the world we live in, better to focus on the 181 people that took action many of whom were very enthusiastic about the cause.

Then around 8:45 I helped a drunk girl make her way to the river stage as she was very lost and confused. Quickly went back to the stall to get Carmen and made yet another trip to river stage to see Portishead. It was heavy on the new album which suited me as it has become my favourite of their albums. We stood in wonder somewhere in the middle of the hill singing all the familiar words we'd heard a million times before. Fully satisfied we slowly walked our way back to the stall to help carry all of the gear to our coordinators car before heading home.

I made a point afterward about earlier this year when I had decided that perhaps festivals and concerts should be left for those with more stamina. Certainly this year's Soundwave, the last show I went to, was a major struggle.

But Harvest was anything but, it was almost a perfect day especially once the weather shifted in the afternoon. I'm more confident now that I've still got that energy in me or at least the potential to get even healthier. That's good to know.

Andy Scott

Self-sufficiency Within Reach.

2011-11-16T05:33:00.001+10:00

Good morning Brisbane, I've just taken my spot among the sleepy-eyed on the 5:13 once again. Today is judgment day in one regard, my performance today will be heavily judged. I'm running the shop today right from opening until around 12:30pm. I will have to do everything unassisted, but I think I'm ready.

I'm going to have to move non-stop today and go out of my way to impress these guys. However I did receive my roster for the next month so that's a good sign. Also yesterday marked the first time since 2007 that I received a wage, is that four years? I thought it was three. Everything is flooding back to memory, what a journey.

I realized the other day that I've pretty much achieved everything I set out to do this year. I've got my depression under control, I've got a great social life, I'm doing wonderful things with Amnesty and I have a job. Pretty much the only thing that I didn't get round to was getting off my medication. But I'll be going back to my GP soon and perhaps we can lower the dose again.

Oh and I still haven't found a partner yet, but that shouldn't be a goal per say. It's not a chore I can just tick of a list: wake up, go to work, find girlfriend, go home. That's something that'll just happen and I have been meeting a lot of people. I'm happy for now though. :)

Later today I'll be meeting with ARTillery's main graffiti artist to discuss the enormous mural he'll be painting for us. We may need to organize a fundraiser in order to buy the necessary paints which will apparently be in the vicinity of $500. Yikes.

Then tonight mayor Graham Quirk is throwing a dinner for Amnesty International to celebrate its 50th anniversary. That's a really nice gesture and it'll be brilliant getting to hang out with everyone, as we don't really get to see each other all that much.

Well I'm at Auchenflower and should do a mental checklist of everything I need to do to have the shop running efficiently today. In the span of a week I've gone from being a bit unsure about this job to being accepting of it. It's not that hard and it will bring in the money I need. In a couple of months I should be completely self sufficient. I can't believe how close I am to being off Centrelink. It's not that I hate Centrelink, they've been a massive source of assistance, but the goal has always ultimately be free of them. That's their goal too! Ha. Okay then, I'll be off. Love you all.

Andy Scott

Worn And Weary.

2011-11-12T17:11:00.001+10:00

So it's been a while. I am exhausted. I'm waiting to meet someone at Indro train station in half an hour, got here a bit too early. So that should be enough time to get a bit of writing done.

I'm feeling a bit burnt out right now and I'm not doing myself any favors by going out. I've tried to take the last few days off, but all I've managed is to go out each of those days and it's not exactly helped the situation. I'm locking myself at home tomorrow and cutting off nearly all contact just to have one day where I don't have to do anything.

Whine, whine... Ha ha, it's not that bad. I just have achy legs and my brain feels a little worn out. And a really quick temper which isn't like me. Not that I've snapped at anyone just yet, good self control and the realization that it's all in my head.

So why so busy? Well I started a new job last week as an attendant at a petrol station. It's not the ideal job for me, but it'll do until I can get something in admin in a few months. I fucking hate high pressure jobs, it's bloody petrol and snacks, nothing is worth the stress those guys put on each other and in turn put on me.

I'm not saying I don't want to work hard, I have been doing just that. But the way these sort of places talk about customer service it's as if the Queen of England was coming in to buy a mars bar. I just don't give that much of a shit.

I also don't really like the way this job came about. I pretty much got forced into taking it. Had a meeting with my job service rep and he said he ha this job and I said that I'd rather wait for an admin job to come around and that I wasn't desperate. Cut to a few days later and he's saying he has to report me for turning down a job and I'll have my payments cut off. So off to the interview I go.

It's not that bad, the job is okay. It's just I want to make sure I get the right paid job for me, something that doesn't cause me a lot of stress do I can focus on life and Amnesty stuff. This is not that job, though who knows maybe it will be after I get used to it.

The boss seems like a nice enough guy and he understands how important my volunteer work is. So maybe it might end up being perfect. But for now I have to get used to doing that about 20 hours a week as well as everything else that's going on. Also it involves getting up at 4am...Urgh.

ARTillery is going well. We had our budget approved, we've paid for the venue. We've got five bands for the opening night and potentially 22 artists altogether. Our printing materials are done and we're just about to order our badge maker. There are a few annoyances, for one some aspects are going really slowly and it can feel like an eternity before hearing back from some people.

There's pretty much a month to go and I'd say we've pretty much done the majority of the organizing for now. It's all about the promotions and marketing from now on and making sure all the artists end up providing us something to exhibit. Not too worried there.

It's actually a good thing that things are a bit more chilled in that regard. I'm just not used to leaving the house at 5am some mornings and getting home around 10pm most nights. I've spent the last four years predominately at home and this is wearing me out.

But by the time the year ends I reckon I'll have a better grasp of everything. I've been given a lot of responsibility in such a short time and have had to really up my game, so it's no wonder. Anyways I'm off to cook some burritos and try and have a nice evening among friends. Things are looking up. :)

Andy Scott

Perth Summit [Part 3]

2011-10-25T10:19:00.001+10:00

1.5 hours into my flight back to Brisbane, Woody Allen film playing and I'm just not really in the mood for his clever observations on relationships or living in an evolving western society. Another flight perhaps. It was another inspiring day, though much shorter than yesterday obviously.

Woke up, packed, blah blah and made it to the action center. We had a presentation from Dan, the Amnesty International Australia youth coordinator, it's his job to make sure that whilst we continue being creative and imaginative about our events to make sure we remain on message from an Amnesty perspective. It's great if we can get a lot of people interested, but if people don't sign the petitions, write letters or even find out to get further involved then our events won't have had the impact we were aiming for.

That's very important to remember, we may have some excellent art and performances but if that doesn't in turn inspire people to get involved in human rights then it will have been for nought. Oh by the way, we've had our second application from an artist. Two artists on board now! It's coming along.

Next we had two more intensive one on one sessions, for me it was to work out the publicity side and also the budgeting/scheduling. Going to have to be a lot more organized when I get back to Brisbane.

We then heard from Tim from Youth Tree, he was the guy we went to hear last night speak about his new organization whose idea was to inspire people to help each other in a creative way. A very inspiring guy, only in his twenties and he just works his arse off to make his dreams reality. But he spoke to us about how to build a happy, functional team and how to get people interested in ARTillery.

After some delicious sushi lunch we each had to prepare a 5 minute pitch outlining our event, but using our personal narrative that we'd come up with yesterday to explain why we got involved. I was nervous, I've discussed my depression in great depth in this journal and to a few close friends and family, those that wanted to know. But never to a group of peers that barely knew me.

I spoke about how I never really cared about much, not even myself. That there was a general lack of self-love and a hopelessness towards the world. But then I saw how this depression affected people close to me and even though I couldn't understand why they cared, I didn't want to hurt them.

So I learned through a lot of hard work the feeling of self-worth and how it made me think about all the other people out there going through the same thing. I thought that I'd like to directly help as many people as possible and if I couldn't do that then I at least wanted to make sure that people around the world could live in a place where they didn't have to worry about external pressures whilst they got the help they needed.

Young people are often ignored, a lot of people are for that matter. But Amnesty is not one of the groups doing the ignoring, they do things, they get tangible results and make a real change in the world. That is undeniable. I want these people to know that some people will listen to them and hat with hard work we can make their lives better. That's why I do what I do. It was actually really emotional for me to say all that to them and I was holding back tears, I wasn't expecting to have that strong a reaction... I'd like to get a copy of that video, it was recorded. They might be comfortable with it being distributed, but I was very happy with what I said. I need to work on it, because I have the feeling that it won't be the last time I use that speech. Everyone else's were equally moving, it really gives you that boost when you remember why you're in this...

I think I'll end it here, it's about 3 hours until we land I believe. Probably won't nap; but you never know. I love my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Thanks for reading.

Andy Scott

Perth Summit [Part Two]

2011-10-23T00:55:00.001+10:00

So hard to muster the enthusiasm to write another entry when I could just as easily go to bed. It's a bit late, but still Saturday. Although not in Brisbane. It's confusing me a bit actually. The flight here took 3 hours and the flight back takes 7 hours, the real time is somewhere in between. I'm a bit sad that I'll have to leave tomorrow, I know I'll keep in touch with people and will be keeping track on how their events go. But chances are we may never meet again. :(

Well unless we do some traveling, I definitely want to keep in touch though. It feels like a school camp that's coming to an end. Anyways enough of that, time to summarize all the workshops. Yay you say? I'll bet!

Well after a much needed breakfast we had a video conference with Ed from Sydney who is Amnesty Australia's media person. He trained us to make media releases and how to give an interview. A bit nerve wracking but we all got the hang of it.

Next we heard from Laura who was the person we did drama games with yesterday. Today she gave an inspiring presentation on arts and activism. Then we had a couple of one on one meetings with some of the national team so they could make sure we're all on track and not in need of serious help. I think everyone is okay.

After hearing everyone's events it got me thinking about extra stuff we could do in Brisbane. So what if they had more time to prepare, we worked hard and caught up basically. I think we have the potential to make something bigger and I already know what I'd like to do. But I better discuss it with Carmen and Teri first. Heh.

We then met with Paul from a group called Oak Space and he specialized in developing your personal message, in this particular case 'how did you begin to care about human rights?' he talked about how everyone in the room obviously had a moment where they went from apathy to suddenly caring.

Obviously mine was when I overcame my depression and started to realize my self worth, it then made we realize the same worth in everyone else and I couldn't bare to see any one of those people suffer unjustly. In a nutshell that's pretty much it. It's kind of awkward to talk about in a way, not that I'm ashamed or anything.

It's just hard to bring up in a conversation where you're not specifically talking about depression I find. Still I'm going to develop that story because I'll be telling it at the opening night of our exhibition and hopefully it will inspire someone to think about their own worth.

Yeah, that was it I think... Oh yeah we had a meeting earlier on with Alex, a designer, who met with us to work on some national branding and marketing ideas. We ended up with some sweet concepts.

It didn't end there, around 6pm we went along to a presentation where this group pretty much launched their new NGO. It was quite exciting, young people using arts and technology to try and make human rights and kindness go viral. Very interesting concept.

We then went out for dinner and just laughed it up for the next few hours. Tomorrow we do it again until about 3pm or so and then it's off to the plane. I'll have plenty of time to write whilst on the plane though so it'll be a bit easier.

I'm not doing a summary yet even though this is my last night. I feel like I've made some lasting friendships. And even though this event is huge compared to a lot of things I've done, it feels like just the beginning.

Andy Scott

Perth Summit.

2011-10-22T00:59:00.001+10:00

Once again I am writing in transit, but this time it from a QANTAS plane far above Brisbane and on my way to Perth. Originally I was going to occupy myself through this 5 hour flight by doing work on my laptop, but my laptop proved to be a tad large for the food tray and also I apparently charged it wrong. Meh...

I'll do some writing here and then have a nap. So why am I on a plane? Well I am off to a training summit for Artillery festival coordinators to better learn how to run these events. I'll be learning directly from Amnesty International peoples about marketing, budgeting, publicity, creating an event proposal and how to work with the media.

Apart from that I get to visit another Amnesty action center and be a representative of QLD. I can't wait to meet all the other coordinators and Amnesty people. It's going to be and I quote my own manager/guru 'party time!'

I can see in the very distant television screen footage of Gaddafi's murder coverage. I say murder because that's what it was and I do not approve, this in combination with Bin Ladin's murder has made it a bit disappointing when you're looking for justice.

Tyrants such as these should be trialled in a court room, not held to the front of a jeep and paraded around a village before being shot. I watched that footage this morning and I felt quite upset about it. Gaddafi was an awful dictator, but it shouldn't have ended like that. We're better than that. Seems like we're about to get some lunch so I might take a break for now.

Well that killed a bit of time, the TV screen was right over my head so I had to tilt my head back the whole time. Watched the Green Lantern, it was average, such a typical hero film...they bring 'em out and I keep a watching. Got about two hours until landing, have to wait till the credits end before they show that screen with estimated landing time on it. I'm listening to the new Jane's Addiction album right now, first listen and I'm digging it. So far it seems a bit better than Strays.

I'm so chuffed right now. I haven't really done any updates on how the festival is going, well here's the latest. We pretty much worked out our estimate budget yesterday, we're trying to put this together for around $2000. It's doable as long as there aren't too many unforeseen costs. When I get back to Brisbane we'll be presenting our event to the branch committee to get approval as to whether the event goes forward or not.

Not too worried there, they already approved the last coordinators proposal before they dropped out. Ours is cheaper, plus I've met a few of the board members before and we got on. The team we've got is truly fantastic, four of us really. But there are more people interested in helping out, meeting with three Amnesty interns on Tuesday to welcome them to the team. On Thursday I'm meeting with the singer of a local band called The Secret Whisper that contacted Amnesty because they wanted to get involved.

Had a listen to their music and they sound great, the type of band that really has the talent to make it. So we'll meet and just get to know each other a bit then hopefully come to an agreement. We started sending out the applications for artists to submit too. I made a Facebook event which I hope will just keep spreading as people invite their friends. I've been refreshing it every few minutes to see if there's anyone else coming. Can't on the plane though, the suspense is killing me. Well I might have a nap or something. No map on the screen yet, damn...

Almost went straight to bed and I don't mean on the plane. It's now 10:45pm on Friday night. What a day! Met Lexy who is one of the main Artillery coordinators for Australia, she was one of the people that created it. We left the airport with the coordinators from Melbourne and Canberra. Kind of like a mini-Australian UN. I dunno, I'm sleepy.

Visited the Western Australia branch of Amnesty briefly to pick up the publicity coordinator for Artillery and we had ourselves a posse! I've got my own room at the backpackers which is probably for the best, I'd been worrying about keeping people awake with my snoring. Now I can snore to my hearts content. :)

We were picked up again around 5 and went to Kings Park, a protected wilderness in the middle of the city and I have to say this with all honesty, it was the most spectacular view I've ever seen in Australia... Perth itself has been a huge surprise, I didn't think it had much to offer but it is an amazing city! It's a good thing I've now got friends here, I sense a holiday in the future. :D

So we met with the Perth coordinator, and the other two Artillery creators. After nomming on some cookies we began some movement games to get to know each other a bit more, the type of thing they do in drama classes. It was a bit of fun and it loosened it up.

We then got a bit more serious and worked on creating our own mission statement, words we could live by. I'll have to paraphrase mine since I left it in someone's car, but it went something like this. My aim is to defend other peoples rights until the day when everyone is equal and to aid the healing process as the world reconciles with its past.

That concluded the intro activities and we went off for dinner at a delicious burger bar for some excellent conversation. We were joined by Amnesty's national youth coordinator and the fun continued. See what I love about talking to these people is that we don't just sit around bitching about awful things in the world and theorizing revolutionary ideas for fixing it. We just have chats about current events and possible actions we might take in response. Everyone there agreed with my sentiments on Gaddafi's murder and even brought up Bin Laden just as I had. These are truly my kind of people.

I don't feel shy, I don't feel awkward. I'm just being myself and they're really receptive. I'm in a good head space right now. But I should get some sleep because I have to get up in the morning and work on my event proposals. Oh and we got our first artist application! I can't read it yet because my internet it terrible but I will in the morning. So happy!

Andy Scott

Breakfast at Indro.

2011-10-19T10:51:00.001+10:00

Got a bit of time to kill, I'm up at Indro meeting Eliza in two hours. Would have just stayed at Carmen's but she was at work and her very young nephews were over being babysat by her mum. Kind of hard getting work done when a one year old wants to play fetch with you. :) Very cute though, darn my cluckiness to hell!

Carmen and I completed the artists application yesterday and had it approved from the team in Perth. Supposed to be sending it out today, will get on that when I get home a bit later. We've pretty much caught up to the other teams which is beyond fantastic. It means when I meet the other coordinators this Friday we'll all be on the same page.

Blogger really drains the old batteries, 2% in 5 minutes. Slow down you maniac! Maybe I should have gone to the movies... Tonight I'm heading over to Amnesty for the first Homelands action group meeting. That's when we'll start putting together some actions we want to take on behalf of the campaign. It's going to be a tough campaign as a lot of people really don't give a shit about what happens to Aboriginal peoples in Australia. Well we'll see if we can change that.

Drowsy, was hoping to get a few more hours of sleep... Only 1.5 hours to kill now! Yaaay... I might go clothes shopping for this Perth trip. Looking for good men's clothing at Indro is like an orb, pointless.

Andy Scott

Andy's Amnesty Adventure OCT-2011 [Part 2]

2011-10-17T12:50:00.001+10:00

I'm writing this on Thursday the 13th in the evening but I don't think I'll have it uploaded today. I spent the better part of today upstairs with Mum losing my sanity over the MYOB assignment. But it's done! Even though we both wanted to chuck it in the shredder...we endeavored and eventually kicked its arse. :D May that be the last time I have to use that piece of crap. At least I feel more confident now, it wasn't that I'm a dumbass, it was just that the assignment was worded ridiculously difficultly. Like I said before Mum has been using MYOB for nearly two decades and even she didn't understand most of it. I raced over to Yeerongpilly, handed it in and that was that. I should hear back soon from them if it's all done and I can have my certificate. I've definitely passed all of the other units, they would have notified me if I hadn't.

Now it's Monday the 17th...okay, I know I'm getting used to being busy again and there are days when I really don't have any time to do any writing...but I really need to make the time. I'll have a think on how best to do that. In the meantime, back to the conferences!

I'm going to drastically summarize it so that I can get back to more current events. The Amnesty International 'Change the World' conference was held on the 6th, 7th and 8th of October. I'd volunteered for all three days as I had originally wanted to attend via buying a ticket, but it was a little out of my price range. This way I would still get to see most of the main presentations, panels and workshops and get some work experience at the same time. Amnesty was on top of its game in regard to all the speakers it was able to get to attend this event. We heard from activists, academics, the media, lawyers, peoples currently suffering from human rights abuses and more. I've got a much clearer idea of what it means to be an activist and ways I can go about achieving that goal.

One of the best outcomes from the conference though came from an email that Carmen and I received from Artillery headquarters informing us that the coordinator for Brisbane Artillery had pulled out for some reason. That wasn't good news of course as we had been looking forward to working on her ideas, but we were offered the position of coordinator in her place. We both freaked out a little at first and met that evening to have a discussion, but as I was on the bus to her house I quickly realized how great an opportunity this would be! It's huge.

So we talked about it for a bit and decided to go ahead with it. That was close to two weeks ago now and we are now firmly on top of things. We will be holding a three day exhibition at Jugglers Art Space in the Valley called MasterPEACE and inviting artists to create works of mixed media. Stuff like paintings, sculptures, films and photos. The message will be individuals at risk, which is an Amnesty campaign that tries to raise awareness about particular groups and peoples that are in danger. I'm not going to write everything here because I want it to be a surprise. But I think it's going to be truly amazing. I'm also being sent to Perth this Friday to attend a summit with the coordinators of each other city that is holding Artillery in Australia. Together we will get training on how to run the festival. First time for me to travel to that side of the country, but more importantly I've only been at Amnesty around two and a half months and have this sort of work to do. I'm still shocked.

My tafe course is done, well as far as I know. I haven't received any calls from the school saying my MYOB was bad, so I'm going to assume its done. Went into the job agency today to discuss where to go next and he said he'd be talking to someone on Thursday that specializes in getting people government jobs. I'm so close to having all of this years goals met. A part-time job, volunteering at Amnesty, a great social life and no more depression. There's not much else I can ask for, but hey that's the best part of achieving a goal, thinking about "what's next?" I'll leave that for next year methinks. But an internship here at Amnesty is certainly not out of the question. Well my reception shift is about to begin so I'd better go and relieve my colleague. I will try and book a time to do writing at least three days a week and stick with it. This month was like a 100x increase of work though, so it's a little understandable. All right then, that's all from me.

Andy Scott

Andy's Amnesty Adventure OCT-2011 [Part 1]

2011-10-13T08:58:00.002+10:00

Was just about to start writing but I got distracted by the first few notes from Opeth's latest album Heritage, I admit it's only my second listening but I don't know why there have been so many complaints about it. I've been thinking how best to approach this entry since it has been a really busy week and there's much to discuss, it was also one of those week's that signified a huge change in my life. I'll try and summarize it as best as I can, but I fear I may not to it the justice it deserves.

This previous Wednesday, 5/10/11, I was up early for the Human Rights Conference for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders. My job was to be at new Parliament house to assist stall owners carry their materials inside. Was my first time through that level of security outside of an airport. Once inside I made my way to the other Amnesty volunteers and quickly toured the building just to familiarize myself with my surroundings. Sometime after 8am delegates began to arrive. As organizers of the conference we had a long list of jobs that needed to be completed throughout the day. Most of the day would be spent upstairs in a speech hall where presentations were being made, but there were a few workshops later in the day as well.

We worked tirelessly behind the scenes to make all the transitions seamless and as a reward were able to join some of the sessions and listen to the speakers. Obviously when it comes to A&TSI issues there comes a great deal of frustration, it's been over 200 years since Australia was invaded and colonized and life for the Indigenous peoples has never even reached a tolerable level since that time. It's been a constant battle for recognition, reconciliation and the right to live unfettered by outside rule. As far as I am aware government policy in this area has failed 100% of the time and that can attributed to the paternalistic approach of the government instead of a collaborative one. We act like we know best instead of asking for their opinion and when we do ask for their opinion it inevitably gets drowned out through the process of western law making.

What struck me the most that day was not the presentations, interesting though they were, but the reactions from the audience members venting their frustrations. These a people who've been coming to such conferences for many decades now having seen very little change being implemented. They criticized the abject racism they've endured for centuries, something that's become institutionalized due to negative stereotypes. They made a lot of fantastic points which I will now try and recall. Prohibition has never worked at any point in time. Many of their peoples are being locked up for small crimes that white Australians would probably get off with nothing but a fine or a slap on the wrist. Approximately 25% of prisoners in Australia are Aboriginal even though they only make up 2.5% of the population. Most of the crimes they're arrested for are related to being intoxicated in public, causing a scene, that sort of thing.

In one workshop a woman from Red Cross said she had contacted 120 employers from one particular suburb and asked them is they would consider employing an Aboriginal person...118 said no. That really struck me, that's how deep this prejudice runs in our society. That is shameful... Here's what needs to happen, the intervention needs to stop, reinstate the racial discrimination act, stop the policies that would force peoples off their homelands and open more collaborative discussions. I think I gained two things from the day, things I already knew but which became starker in my mind. Number one, Australia really needs to own its past, apologies are nice but it severely dilutes the horrors we've caused to the Indigenous communities. We've destroyed them, we've sent them to the brink of annihilation and our daily existence continues that destruction simply by going about our business. We live on stolen land, we've prospered from that crime and it doesn't matter how many years have passed, we still prosper from that crime.

The second thing is that any plans and policies need to be created through collaboration, no more deciding what's best for them just because it might work for us. Something like $25 billion has been spent on this issue or the equivalent of $100,000 per Aboriginal person. If that money had been given directly to the communities I get the impression that a lot more good could have been done. But obviously that's not the way we do things, fair enough, it's not like the Aboriginal peoples are asking for that money anyway. But they are asking to be heard, they know how to best create harmony in their communities, they have many ideas about how to do this. But we insist on treating them like children that cannot do anything for themselves. From this point onward I will view ALL policy related to A&TSI issues as bad policy unless these two factors are not considered.

Yes, I was really fired up by that day and that was the point of it. There may have been many conferences of its ilk over the decades, but the one thing that really set this one apart from the others is this the first time Amnesty International has gotten involved and that's no small thing. There has already been a great deal of pressure put on our government, in particular Indigenous Affairs Minister Jenny Macklin by our organisation. Whether we're able to make a difference is yet to be seen, but I can confirm that in regards to Amnesty's approach both factors I mentioned above have been met. Our campaign has been designed from the Indigenous perspective. Now that these conferences are over we will continue with our training for the Homelands campaign next week. I will be there, I will learn the facts and I will defend the rights of A&TSI peoples to the best of my ability.

I think I'll leave it here for now otherwise this entry is going to be way too long. I'm going upstairs soon to try and finish my MYOB assessment once and for all. Mum has very kindly offered to help and I was relieved when she told me that despite her almost two decades using the program, the way in which this assessment had been written was really confusing. That makes me feel less of an idiot for not getting it. If we can get it done today I'll try and get to tafe a bit later on to hand it in. Then it'll be time to finally look for work again. Awesome. All right well I think I'll write a second entry tonight if I have the time, otherwise I'll be back again tomorrow morning with the next exciting installment.

Andy Scott

Septoberfest And A Couple Of Conferences.

2011-10-04T20:30:00.000+10:00

Oh hai there! I'm killing a bit of time before going to sleep. Speaking of killing, there's this one mosquito in the room...I see it in the corner of my eyes some times. I would very much like to meet it on the battle field. I'm itchy and tired, perfect company. READ MY WORDS! Tomorrow I'm going to the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander conference for Human Rights, and yes that is the short title. When I was at Amnesty the other day we had a meeting discussing the plan for the day. Got to be there around 7:30 and I'll be helping carry materials for various organisation up to a room where they will have a lot of stalls. Good opportunity to meet some people from other charities and human rights organisations.

After that my duty will be to attend the presentations and workshops, when someone in the audience has a question I'm to take a microphone over to them. It's fairly straight forward work, but it allows me the opportunity to listen to a lot of very experienced people on a pertinent information to the Homelands campaign. I expect it's going to be a fairly emotional day. On Thursday through Saturday will be the 'Change The World' Amnesty International Annual Human Rights Conference, three full days of lecture and workshops. I'll be there for all three, except for the dinner on Friday because I'm going to Oktoberfest with Carmen, Verena, David and his friends. Sunday I'm going over to Eliza's as she has offered to help me complete my MYOB assessment, I think I'll have to buy her a dinner. Oh yeah and a dinner on Saturday night that Phoebe organised. Yikes!

I know I said I wanted to be busier, but this is ridiculous! Actually I love it. It's an amazing opportunity for me to learn a lot about human rights issues, meet people in the field including getting to know my colleagues at Amnesty whom I honestly enjoy being around and getting used to working full-time again. There's so many good reasons for all of this. I cannot stress how good a time I am having. When you're working somewhere and you take money out of the equation, you're left with a group of people that are they because they're passionate not because they have to be there. I'm not saying all paid workplaces are like that, but many unfortunately are.

As I said in my last entry I am interested in starting my activist/political blog up again and I think that these conferences would be a perfect opportunity. I think what I will do is write about how it all went in this journal part and then write a few articles in a separate blog. I'll have to think further on it, because I do like to write about all the stuff that happens to me in person on this blog. I'm getting confused! :D All right, well this was a very enjoyable day off, wanted to ensure I had enough energy for the next few days by doing nothing today. I also watched through the three-part new episode of Archer, rejoice! Okay that's it, I'm going to go and design the new blog. Hugs and love.

Andy Scott

In A West End Town, A Dead End World...Not From What I Saw.

2011-10-02T16:24:00.000+10:00

This is the first time in forever that I wrote an entry from my actual computer. Taking a bit of a day off today, was meant to go to Yum Cha but I have no monies, so very poor. So on Saturday I was up early and was at the West End markets by 9am, strolled my way down not knowing exactly where the Amnesty stall was going to be. Past the old man playing the synthesizer and the man with a chicken on his head selling eggs more enthusiastically then a person should sell eggs. Tried to keep clear of the foul (not fowl) smelling fishmongers where Carmen bought her tuna head last week, on that front Carmen apparently turned it into a delicious broth. Think I'm being squeamish? Perhaps, but you didn't have to carry the bloody thing around did you and I mean quite literally bloody...

Saw the familiar yellow and black colours of Amnesty's famous brand, we had a nice spot in the shade between a honey vendor and a florist. Our presence didn't seem to hinder their sales despite all the people trying not to give us eye contact. I'm not angry about that, a lot of people would have assumed we were trying to get people to sign up for monthly direct-debits. I've certainly been guilty of averting my eyes and walking fast. I made sure to announce that we were not looking for money at which point someone would usually stop and go 'oh okay, well what's going on here then.' Brilliant! We actually did really well, I can't tell you exactly how many signatures we raised but if I had to make an estimate...my brain is saying somewhere between 200-250 altogether. But that might be a bit optimistic... No it probably was about that and since Queensland's aim is to get 2000 in the next nine days that's over 10%. Something to be proud of.

I took a lot of positives from the day, one being that a lot of people seemed to be pretty knowledgeable on the subject of the latest refugee plight, only a few people said that they were in favour of the Malaysia plan, one woman going so far as to say we bomb the lot of them. Yeah... You can't win them all and I certainly wasn't aiming for that. We do live in a democracy after all, people are permitted to have their insane opinions. I was there for about five hours all up and the time just flew by. Eliza dropped by at one point so I took a short break to walk with her and grab a drink. I just started raving about how satisfying I found the whole thing, I was on a bit of a buzz at that time you have to understand. I've known for the last couple of years that activism would be my passion once I actually became brave enough to attempt it. I was right, I love being around like minded people and having discussions, I love meeting other people that feel the same too. I love the process of organizing these things, I love feeling a part of something bigger and that my direct involvement is making a difference. If I hadn't been there yesterday maybe we wouldn't have had as many signatures, that's a direct impact.

Slept pretty hard today though, this is really preparing me for going back to work when that inevitably happens. Thank you to Noemie, Tracy, Teri and Colin for their hard work yesterday and to all the other activists around the world right now making a difference. I think I'm in the right mind frame to get back into activist blogging again, so don't be surprised if at some point in the next few weeks there's a new blog at anhaidao.com, probably going to use the Casual Activism title again. This time I'm going to let it live up to its name instead of trying to be a net hub for all things activism related like last time. Just a few entries a week about things that are going on and a few tips about getting more involved. I just hope my social life isn't going to be too affected, I haven't really heard or properly spoken to anyone since last Saturday, except for those at Amnesty. Hmm...will keep an eye on that. Then again everyone is very busy at the moment, so it's not too surprising. All right well I'm going to go and contemplate putting together that new blog, do some planning and also just chill out. Got another full day at Amnesty tomorrow and will also be getting some advice from Break Thru about what to do with my certificate. I'm hoping they can introduce me to someone that knows MYOB really well and can just tutor me in it. Excellent, well enjoy yourselves.

Andy Scott

Loose Ends.

2011-09-30T13:40:00.001+10:00

I'm once again out at Yeerongpilly, gonna try and finish this certificate off today. I'm about half way through a 30 page assessment on MYOB. I really hate MYOB... This week has been so busy that this is the first day I could come in. Fingers crossed today is the last day.

Last weekend was the first time I've been to the West End markets and this weekend I'm going to be helping out on a stall there. Pretty cool stuff. I'll be at the Amnesty stall gathering signatures for refugees as I was the other day. The thing starts at 6am, but I'll aim for about 9am. I'm excited! Eiii!

Okay, now I've got to finish my lunch and walk onward to hours of mind numbing accounting. I'll be sure to leave brief updates throughout the day. :) Fuuuuuuuuck...

Oh maaaaan... I feel so shitty right now... Spent the last 90 mins trying to wrap my head around all this financial bullshit. I just don't understand it. I feel like giving up right now. But I'm so close! Everything else in the certificate was straight forward, why isn't this? I sent an email to my case worker at Break Thru for advice. He actually just wrote back saying that we'll discuss it all in our meeting on Monday. I think I'm just gonna pack up for now and leave it until then.

Can't be too hard on myself, there are always things that people have a lot of trouble with. That's what this is for me. Usually I can just work it out myself and after a lot of frustration get through it. But this is not one of those times, I need help on this, I have to ask for it. I'm so bad at that. Well at least the weekend is shaping up to be truly great. *sigh*

Andy Scott

Found My Place.

2011-09-28T23:39:00.000+10:00

Just taking a moment to cool off, I'm at the Amnesty office doing reception again. Today is a far busier day than it was last week when I was in. The reason is that there are two conferences next week both of which I'll be volunteering for actually. That's one of the great perks of this job I can get into these sorts of events for free, of course I'll be working most of the time but when I'm no they're happy for me to listen to speeches and take part in workshops.

Life is certainly busier, I'm aiming to get the rest of my tafe assessment done tomorrow. Well that last hour went by super fast, did some good work, still fumbling with phone transfers. Need to practice that one... Had a really nice day yesterday when I went to Oxley to visit Shay and his new wife Sam, Shay went to Indro high but dropped out when he turned 15. Hadn't seen him since then, but we chat a little bit on Facebook and he invited me to come visit them. He is pretty much the person who introduced me to heavy metal even though I didn't get into it until after he'd left.

We watched some early Cronenberg, heard some Maiden and ate pizza. Pretty much my idea of a perfect day. :) Speaking of great days, I have to mention the one I just had. Things got busy that's for sure, I was doing my duties, whilst creating some documentation for some upcoming conferences and then I was asked if I wanted to head out on the street with some people to gather signatures on behalf of refugees.

Everything is on pause at Amnesty right now in order to work on this issue, it's fascinating to watch the office go into battle mode. They have to make sure they're working as fast as possible in order to beat the politicians to the punch.

Right now the government is trying exceptionally hard to process our refugees in another country, specifically Malaysia, where refugees tend to be beaten, tortured and live in inhumane conditions. Very recently the Australian High Court deemed that this plan was illegal as it broke our own laws in regard to the rights we promised to allow refugees.

You'd think that faced with that outcome they'd try and find an alternate solution, instead they are going to change the law so that those rights don't have to be protected and sen them overseas anyway. I believe the correct term to use in this case is 'despicable.'

Amnesty is trying to collect 50,000 signatures to send to the government in two weeks times when they are planning to make the changes to policy. So that means every afternoon for the next two weeks you will be seeing Amnesty workers around asking for signatures, stop and say hey, they won't hassle you.

I myself got about 25-30 signatures which filled me with pride. A year ago I was too afraid to go to the valley and now I can stand out in the street and talk to strangers at will. Very proud. I also got to know a lot of other people at the office quite well today, I think they're happy to have me around and seem to like my work. I'm feeling much more confident, but another week or two couldn't hurt. I might be going to the West End markets to work an Amnesty stall to gather signatures. That sounds like a blast! I really should take some time to finish this final tafe assessment though. But I'm having so much fun! Working!? I'm living the dream! :D

Andy Scott

Tis What It Tis.

2011-09-25T11:27:00.001+10:00

Final day of tafe today, well the last official day. I've finished all but one of the fourteen units we were given and that's the MYOB workbook. I'm about halfway through it but I doubt I'll finish it today.

But it's all good, I'll just finish it in my own time and bring it in ASAP. I did really well to finish what I have done, of course it would be nice to just hand everything in and say 'well that's that then, I'm done'.

I think I'll get back to it now, got another three hours so I should have done quite a bit by then. Who knows I may even get it all done...hmm me thinks not. :)

Hey there, I forgot I started writing on Friday, well it's Sunday now so let's finish that off. I didn't finish that final piece of assessment, got half way through and decided to head home for a little bit. I'll finish it off tomorrow, that's the current plan anyway.

Made it to the city to watch Eraserhead with Eliza, I can't put my finger on what it is about that film I love but I just do. Eliza didn't, ha ha, and she did know why. Each to their own, it's the type of film you either love or hate I reckon. We then went to Wagaya for dinner and met with Carmen. Fun ensued obviously.

Crashed at Carmen's and the two of us went to the West End markets. I found some delicious cheese and spinach bread, Carmen found a disgusting tuna head. I count myself the victor in that particular shopping venture.

I really don't want to write right now, I'm really stressed. On my way to the city to go to the first official artillery meeting, don't know if I even have a role yet or whether I'm wasting my time. Had to cancel today's picnic because of rain even though it's a perfect sunny spring day right now.

I'm not taking the chance and the rain clouds are already out near Tanzih's place. We will be going to a burrito place in Southbank instead. Hmm it does seem a bit cloudy in the distance, it better freaking rain! Don't want to have canceled it for no reason.

I'm doing nothing tomorrow, I need a full day to myself at home with little contact with the outside world. Need to be able to deal with this stress before it begins piling up. Sigh. All right I'm leaving it here. This blog is so boring, I don't think I'd even read it.

Andy Scott

Working 1 to 5!

2011-09-19T12:29:00.001+10:00

Back to Brisbane, back to work. I have my first real shift at Amnesty today. I'll be manning the reception desk on my own and all of the people in charge are away until Thursday. I'm feeling confident though, it's only four hours and I think we've covered everything in the training. We shall see.

Another fun day yesterday on the coast, wished Grisha a happy birthday and left the motel after a little flirting with the hotel manager. She started it! Ha ha. Had a big breakfast at Kerry's work, then split up for various strolls. Carmen and I had a look at the shops along the strip and we found one of those old record shops and had a stroke of genius buying a couple of cassettes for Grisha's car which is still in the stone age. Rush and Judas Priest, that should tide him over for a bit.

That wasn't the only bit of obsolete technology we acquainted ourselves with that day, because after we dropped Carmen at the train station we went to a shooting range. I wasn't excited by the prospect and was even less so when we got there. The whole thing just gives me the creeps. But Tanzih and Grisha had a great time shooting various tools of death at some targets whilst I watched and sometimes recorded it. I've promised those videos will never see the light of the Internet.

Went back to the coast and hung out with Kerry after work for a late lunch on the beach. It was nice, I apparently gave the impression that I wasn't really impressed by the ocean anymore. Probably true. Ha ha.

Carmen just messaged me, she wants to go back to Wagaya tonight. Well I'll be in the valley anyways, pretty convenient if you ask me. :) Cheese Tempura here I come!

Andy Scott

Down For The Weekend

2011-09-18T06:10:00.001+10:00

Good thing I stopped trying to be a daily blogger a long time ago. I'm currently standing in my driveway, it's a Friday night and I'm waiting for Tanzih to come pick me up. She called me a couple of hours ago and said a friend of hers was having a house warming and I figure, sure. I'm always saying I'd like to meet more people.

So what sort of week has it been, well an excellent one I'd say. Had my first shift at Amnesty on Monday just after going to see people at Break Thru, they're hoping to find me a job within city council. I'd be set from that point! I got to Amnesty around 11:30am, another volunteer was having her first shift an she was instructed to stay on for the day so we could work together.

It went really well, for some reason I had lost my anxiety and was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. We went through a few different role plays, did a bunch of tasks and helped set up the office for a volunteer information session for that evening. Soon I would no longer be the newbie.

I left around five feeling as if I'd handled it all really well. I felt confident about coming back next week for my first real shift by myself, well you're never really by yourself. There's an intern there that has also just started who will be there to help out. So yeah it's all good. Went round to Carmen's afterward an she made fried rice, thus ended my first real work day in many years.

On Tuesday we finally won the jackpot at trivia! We won just over $200! I was so surprised too, I gave up on winning that thing months back. The spark has been relit, we have like $70 for next Tuesday's dinner.

It's Saturday morning now, my sister's birthday. Jay very kindly just dropped me at Indro and I'm early so I thought I'd keep writing. Going to the coast today with Tanzih, Grisha and Carmen, meeting up with Kerry down there. We're going to celebrate Grisha's birthday in style. Some karaoke this evening and apparently we're going to a shooting range tomorrow. I haven't decided whether I'll take part in that yet.

Went round to Carmen's again Thursday night for girlie, she claims it'll be the last one of the year as it's not as good in hot weather. We got the idea to do a fondue night because of that. I found a nice place somewhere and we'll go in about two weeks. I'm turning into a serial event organizer ha ha. Hope people aren't getting sick of all the notifications in their inbox.

Tanzih and Grisha are here so I'll put this away.

And now it's Sunday morning, I am losing my touch. Well yesterday was a lot of fun even if it didn't go as planned. We made it to the motel around 2, nice place and only $120 for the four of us. We decided to visit Kerry at work and travelled to what we thought was her workplace out past Southport. It did feel a bit fishy that her workplace would be a twenty minute drive considering the motel was only like two blocks from her house.

Turns out her work was even closer than that! Whoops, ha ha. Ah wells, so what if we took a 40 minute detour. We drove all the way back and went to Kerry's house for a little while before going to Broadbeach and getting some sushi. Then we went down to the beach to bask in nature's blah blah blah. I'm a lot more cynical these days for sure.

Back to Kerry's for some chats and catching up before going to the local surf club for dinner and drinks. Kerry explained that surfer's paradise at night these days was pretty dangerous so doing karaoke there would have probably left us anxious. Fair enough, though I was a bit disappointed. Ah wells, we still had a great time.

Now it's 6am which is what happens when you go to bed at 10pm, we're so old. Not going to try and predict what will happen today. I need to try and cheer up, I've been a bit down the last few days and I'm not sure why. Just happens sometimes I guess... All right well this thing has been sitting on my phone for about 48 hours now, time to be rid of it.

Andy Scott

A Walk To Remember.

2011-09-12T11:20:00.001+10:00

I seem to do most of my writing at train stations these days. Once again heading back to the valley, my home away from home as of late. Going to visit Break Thru for my fortnightly meeting. Look forward to seeing if there's any news on post-tafe job placements, it's only two weeks away after all.

Then to Amnesty for a little more training before I begin my first shift at 1pm, only four hours long. I've brought a lot of reading material regarding training as an Amnesty volunteer and also about the Homelands campaign. I'm a lot less anxious today which is wonderful! :)

So, on to the Bridge to Brisbane! I can't begin to explain how excellent yesterday was, wait yes I can, I'm a veteran blogger! Got to valley train station to meet with Phoebe at 8:30 and I have to admit I was less prepared than I thought I was. I'd looked up all the necessary transport details, but I'd been reading about how to get to the 10km starting point and not the 5km one. Fortunately we figured that out before making one huge mistake. Got on the right train to Eagle Junction and thought, well why not just walk from there. That was until I looked up the directions on the phone and saw we were still 4km away from the start line.

We found where the right bus was leaving from, but it wasn't arriving until 9:40am, which was the time the race started. At the bus stop there were several other equally confused people trying to make their way there, we all banded together to make sure we were all headed in the right direction. The bus came and we were off for glory.

One of the other girls pressed the bell and we all got off, 1km away from the start line already 10 minutes late. So we walked quickly toward the cheering crowds and megaphones, half way there we saw the same bus drive past us, apparently it's final stop right at the start line...Grrr. We got off the bus because it made a turn to go in the wrong direction but after a while it must have turned around and come back our way.

We'd made it, I won't put all the blame on Brisbane transport but usually when I want to go somewhere only 10 km away, an hour and a half is ample time, but it took two hours from my house to the start line and that's a bit fucked. I regret not pre-purchasing one of the transport tickets an going on the charter bus. I could have been more prepared, but I honestly thought I had been.

So we were late when we hit the start line and had already walked over a km to get there, fortunately the race itself was late, but we were pretty much dead last. It didn't take us too long to catch up to the slow ones, people with disabilities or walking with small children. By the time we'd reached the 4km mark we were probably in the thick of it. I always forget how pleasant going for a walk can be if there's a good route and this was one. Walking alongside the river on a remarkably beautiful day!

We entered the gates at RNA showgrounds to the applauds of volunteers, crossed the finish line triumphantly and hugged each each other congratulations. Beautiful day. We then walked to Chinatown to Wagaya to meet with Carmen, David, Gabriel, Tanzih and Grisha for some delicious foods. Spent the rest of the afternoon chilling before heading back to Carmen's for chats and pats with Mr Bungle who has only just started being brave enough to venture outside, it's adorable.

So there you go, my first fun walk. The results are out in the courier mail today, but they'll be online Wednesday so I'll just wait for that. Both Phoebe and I would like to do more walks in the future, especially by the riverside. So nice...

Right, nearly there, better sign off. Have a wonderful day everyone!

Andy Scott

Bridge to Brisbane, Abridged.

2011-09-11T08:33:00.001+10:00

I'm all decked out in my yellow and black, Amnesty's colours, waiting for my train to the valley. Upon where I will meet Phoebe and we'll both somehow make it to Hamilton to the starting line. At about 9:40, after stretches and lots of jokes about unfitness, will wind our merry way 5km through to the RNA showgrounds. It's pretty much the same distance from my house to Indooroopilly which I've walked a number of times. It should take about 50 minutes I think.

After that we'll meet with a few peoples to go to Wagaya again for some celebratory lunch and maybe some more tempura Camembert.

Going back in time, Friday morning was a drag... I woke up to my alarm and found it next to impossible to get out of bed, I was wrecked. Very nearly went 'fuck it' and stayed home, but by some miracle I forced myself up and to the bus stop. I think that's the most anxious I've been in a very long while. I was a bit behind with tafe work, I had to cook for ten people in the evening and I can't stop thinking about my first shift at Amnesty next Monday.

I decided to try and only focus on the tafe part for the next six hours and I was actually able to power through some work, got two workbooks finished and was again on top of everything. I definitely wouldn't have done that if I'd taken the day off. Only two weeks to go.

As for Amnesty, well I'll be going in at 9am during another person's first shift, will be getting some more training and then at 1pm my shift begins. So hopefully that'll be enough time to ease my concerns. It'll be fine I'm sure.

The dinner went spectacularly well, I got home and helped Mum set up the verandah for eating. Then I started cutting up all the chicken and lightly cooking it. Then it was just a matter of adding the paste, coconut cream and vegetables and voila, there was Thai Green curry. And it tasted good! I even had some more for breakfast this morning!

Everyone said they had a good time, I was in party host mode ie worrying about everything and so I wasn't my usual self, but it wasn't too bad. I think I was mainly nervous because I knew how stressed mum was. She can't help it, she's a major worrier, I spent most of the evening just wondering if she was okay. So after dessert I shuffled everyone downstairs so as to get out of her noise range and let her relax a bit. Ha ha. I'll definitely do it again some time!

Well nearly at the valley, I think I'll post this now because I'm not sure I'll have any time during the rest of the day to write some more. I'll write about the Bridge to Brisbane tomorrow morning on my way to Amnesty. I need a day off. But I'm happy. :)

Andy Scott

Gentleman of the Night.

2011-09-08T10:45:00.000+10:00

Hard to get up today that's for sure, ha ha. It's technically a day off today! It's not really though, got a lot of tafe work to get through. I powered through yesterday when I was there and got through nearly all the work I was supposed to do and then at the end of the day got another big workbook. *sobs* It never ends... ha ha. Actually it does, in just over two weeks. I was really stressing out yesterday, more than I had in months. Anxiety about starting work at Amnesty next week, stress because I was behind in my tafe workload and also about the dinner I'm having on Friday night. Suddenly there's about 12 people coming and I've never cooked for that many people in my entire life. Carmen's been really supportive about that and even though I'm meant to be cooking for her to try and make up for the millions of times she's cooked for me, she's offered to help out. We'll be moving the dinner to her house as well because Mum is really anxious about having that many people over, fair enough I don't want to stress her and it is her house after all. Next time I'll invite less people and have a quiet one here.

Went over to Carmen's after tafe yesterday, she felt like catching up since she'd finished her group assessment and even though we were both exhausted went to the valley to eat at a Japanese place called Wagaya. Sometimes you've just got to make the effort, well worth it. The tables had touch screen menus, point to what you want and a few moments later it's brought to the table. I had some garlic and salmon fried rice with some fried chicken shish kebabs. Then had a really nice juicy mocktail. Spent the next hour sitting there satisfied out of our brains, but my eye kept going back to the menu and then I saw Tempura cheese! We asked a waitress and they said it was Camembert! Couldn't pass that up, I love the combination of the classiness of Camembert with the unsophisticated deep frying.

So..god...damned...tasty! If you've never tried it you have no idea how good it was. We must have stayed there for 3 hours all up and then we noticed that Manda and Leigh were also in the valley, see Facebook check in can be very useful and not stalkerish. So we went to The Bowery, a cocktail bar just down the road a bit, had some cheeky drinks and some laughs over some improvised scat singing. Staying out to 11 on a Wednesday night! Oh yeah, I've still got it.:) Thus you can imagine why I is sleepy today. uh huh. So when I'm done here I'm going to get dressed and go to Corinda library, because apparently Manda is working there today. :D Then I gots to go buy all the necessary foods to make Thai Green curry for tomorrow. Now I'm really hungry too. Handling the stress, dealing with things as they come, that's the only way right?

Andy Scott

[-_-] zzzzzz...

2011-09-05T20:39:00.000+10:00

Andy sleepy, I am forcing myself to do some writing right now so I imagine it'll be more rushed than entertaining. ha ha. Let me just quickly read the last entry to see where I left off. Ah yes, must stop being distracted by Minecraft videos. Had a really nice father's day lunch on Sunday, I may have been in a bit of a cheeky mood but it kept the family entertained whilst maintaining my image as 'the bastardly one'. Got dad a copy of Fantastic Mr. Fox, it's exactly his type of film. Might watch it again myself.

Things have been crazy busy, what with tafe training and Amnesty training. It's pretty much like a full-time job right now. Was at Amnesty for six hours today doing receptionist training, I'm a lot more anxious about it now than I was when I began. So much potential for fail on my part, I'm going to be learning the procedures like gospel over the next week. My first official shift as a volunteer begins next Monday, I'm both excited and nervous obviously. I haven't done full days like these since 2006, I'm not counting the stuff I did at uni in 2009 because I was on a major therapy high at the time and was unsustainable. Tomorrow evening I do some very different training, that for my first campaign I'll be working on. Homelands. I'll post more on that sometime in the near future, it's going to very likely be taking up a chunk of my time over the next year or so.

Tafe is still going strong, the workload is a little overwhelming though. We were given a 100 page customer service workbook on Friday, another workbook on...I can't even remember plus another 40 pages of my Microsoft Word book that needs to be done by Wednesday. And I'm the further ahead than most in my class, don't know how the others are coping. Good thing I've had a lot of history with computers otherwise I'd be just as far behind. Tomorrow will be full time study, but I have to make sure I don't wear myself out otherwise I won't head to the Homelands training in the evening. I just know I won't. Wondering if I'm keeping a close eye on making sure I don't overwhelm myself? I'm really trying...tafe will be done in three weeks so hopefully I can keep this energy up for that long. Should be a little more chilled after that, if not I'll probably take myself out of the Artillery campaign and just focus on Homelands and my admin stuff there whilst looking for new work.

I'm absolutely sure I don't want to work full time now, I love having free time, if that means I'm a bit poorer than others then so be it. 2-3 days a week working for the monies, the equivalent of 1 day at amnesty and the rest of the times are for me.What else is happening...? Ooh I'm having a dinner party at my house this Friday evening, I don't think I've ever hosted one before. I've been joking a bit about being a poor cook, but it's not really true if I'm honest. Haven't had a lot of experience cooking a lot of things, but when I do try to cook things it pretty much always tastes good, I'm very good at following recipe directions. Will be fancy. :)

Bridge to Brisbane is this Sunday morning, gonna get mah power walk on! he he. Phoebe's coming and apparently David is too. I hope some other people will join me too. We can walk together in synchronized steps, waving and smiling at everyone. :D We managed to reach the halfway point of the the charity goal I set us, just over $250 I think. I doubt we'll receive any more, but who knows maybe some people were waiting for the last minute. I'm not too worried, ha ha, $250 is massively helpful to a charity and it's got to be the most I've ever made fundraising. Not that I've ever done much fundraising, but I will, I will.

Feeling a little more energized now than I did at the beginning of this entry, perhaps I'm basking in all that are my good deeds of late. I have much reason to be proud, I just need to keep it up! Gonna get an early night tonight so that I can get as much work done tomorrow as is possible, will probably go into tafe to get away from distractions. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head, I need sleeps.

Andy Scott

Busier Than Ever.

2011-08-30T22:01:00.001+10:00

Okay it's a new week, how about we start it with a different tune? Heading into the Valley right now to see my man at Break Thru, probably have to update my plan or something so it includes the training course. When I get back home today I'll be doing about 40 exercises in Microsoft Word, that's my schedule for the next four days in fact. But hey it means I get to do something constructive and still get to watch films on my other monitor. I'm pretty good at multi-tasking actually, breaking the stereotypes is what I do!

Met with Stefanie the organizer for ARTillery, the Amnesty arts festival taking place in December. She went over the rough plans they have forte next few months. Sometime soon she'll send an email out with all the roles they need filled. Carmen is hoping to be their artist coordinator, I'm so proud of her for getting involved. :) Eliza will be going to a repeat of the same meeting on Tuesday night, so it's beginning to look like I'll know a good portion of the organizing team. Ha ha.

As for me, I'd like to be involved in the brainstorming aspects as well as general organization duties. It'll be the biggest thing I've ever done really, or at the very least rivals some of the stuff I did in China.

After the meeting Carmen and I hung out for a while eating ramen before meeting with Phoebe, Masato and Gabe for some more gut quenching Korean at Madtongsan II. Had the best time of course, the right mix of food, fun and derpness. I had my elbow resting on the table buzzer which alerts the staff...sigh.

I wasn't 100% positive that I couldn't handle alcohol anymore a few days ago, but I am now. On a couple of occasions recently I partook of a single beer and the next morning I would throw up. At first I thought it might be coincidence, but after this time I threw up as well, I'd only had like 1.5 beers. I guess my body just can't process the stuff anymore, not a big problem I'll just go back to not drinking.

Though I should really go for my next blood test, I've put it off for like a month now.

Whoops, I really need to find the time to finish these in one day. It is now Tuesday evening around bedtime, thought I would stop by quickly and finish this one off. Break Thru is extremely happy with my progress and there's a cat nibbling on the corner of my phone! Gah! I am sleeping over at Carmen's once again and am hoping Mr. Bungle is a bit easier to sleep around these days. Please don't pounce on my face when I'm sleeping, far less cute than it sounds.

Anyway! I was at Break Thru much longer than I'd anticipated having to fill in some more paperwork and having chats and all that. The man that is in charge of my case had a stroke last week and has had to give up smoking or he may die by the end of the year... :( I figure if he can work after those hjdjdjjk (cat stepped on my keyboard) health problems then I can certainly do my bit.

Spent the afternoon working on homework, spent most of today doing the same. Like I've most likely said before, it's easy but intensive.

I need sleep and I'm not really in the best situation for typing right now. Man, I've been so busy... How do professionals keep up with their blogs? Maybe they don't, maybe it's only the unemployed and people that get paid to blog that can keep it up? OKAY BUNGLE! I'll stop! He's an attention whore. Night y'all.

Andy Scott

Two Days, One Entry.

2011-08-27T11:33:00.000+10:00

Hey there blogfans! On a lunch break at my admin training course where I seem to be working very efficiently. I've finished the occupational health and safety book and related assessment, but also the proofreading and typing test. So my afternoon should be pretty chilled. /smugness.

I'm feeling much better than I did the other day. Sorted out the issues at Centrelink, in fact they were very cool about it. I had the idea of taking out an advance at Centrelink through someone else on a payment and then I would pay them back each fortnight whatever was taken from their payment. I mistakenly went to my brother with this idea and he went to my parents. Rat bastard. Mum said I could pay the money I owe them in increments just as I would through the advance.

Booked a hotel next month at the coast for Grisha's birthday, will go with Tanzih, Grisha and Carmen to visit Kerry. It's not Melbourne and Blind Guardian but it is a well needed holiday from Brisbane. I should have almost wrapped up this course by then.

Meeting a bunch of people tonight to see City of Lost Children, I'm so glad I organized it now. I should stop writing a class will begin again soon.

Whoops, forgot to get back to that entry. Just to make things clear the last few paragraphs were about Friday the 26th of August and now it's Saturday the 27th. Sorry the rest of yesterday was just packed full of adventure. Spent the next 3.5 hours trawling my way through a comprehensive book about Microsoft Word, there's like 185 activities in it I have to finish and I got through 20, I was apparently even working really fast too. I have to get it all done by next Friday. I've got it reaaaally under control though, this course is going to be a walk in the park and I don't mean one of those seedy ones, late at night and you're being chased by wolves either. I made it home for about an hour of sleep before having to get up again to get back to the city.

Met up with Eliza, Carmen, Gabe, Manda, Michael, Leigh and Emma to see City of Lost Children which turned out to be a really sweet film. Not even surprised by that Jeunet loves him some sweetness and adorability (not a real word), check out his latest, Micmacs for extreme proof of that. It's just perpetual 'awwwwww' <:D And then I was home!

So what's happening today? I've got to leave in about an hour to go back to the city yet again. There's a meeting for the Artillery festival, look at me with all the getting involved with things. What's with thhaaaat? ha ha. Carmen's coming too as I figure they could use all the artistic people they can get and I think she'd like to be more involved with the arts community. Eliza miiiight be coming, I left her a voicemail, I hope she does come. The meeting today is just to make sure everyone knows what needs to be done, a general to-do list. The festival isn't until December so we've got plenty of time. Then I guess we'll just hang around the city for the rest of the arvo as we'll be having some dinner at Madtongsan II around 6ish with 'hopefully' a bunch of people. Sent out a Facebook message, but not everyone checks their Facebook every 5 minutes like I do so we'll have to see whether they get it. :) Right time to sign off on this entry and grab a quick lunch. Love and hugs!

Andy Scott

I just...urgh...what? Sigh...

2011-08-24T23:41:00.001+10:00

Fighting a tsunami of disappointment right now... that's all it is, nothing too serious. Six months back I took out an advance from Centrelink in order to pay for some things around March. I've been slowly paying it back the last six months and today the debt is gone. I was however going to use the opportunity to take out another advance, buy new work clothes, a proper head shaver that wouldn't bust in two months, pay a large amount of credit for my mobile and go card and also a trip to Melbourne to see Blind Guardian.

Turns out you can only take out one advance a year even if you've paid it off. I was really pissed at first, I've been planning all of this for the last couple of months. I even considered taking out a personal loan from my bank so I could keep to the plan. But I've calmed down a bit, it is very disappointing, but I can manage without doing any of that stuff for a while longer. I'll just keep scraping by and if I'm lucky I'll have enough money to at least go to the gold coast next month with Tanzih & Grisha.

I just have to be a bit more patient, it won't be much longer now until I get some work. Starting my certificate 3 in business admin today, that should be enough to at least help me find some entry level position. It's hard being poor, you just need that one thing every once in a while to look forward to. It's pretty much the only thing that makes it bearable. Something like getting your tax return or the commonwealth scholarship for full time study. Once or twice a year an extra pile of money to do some of the things you could never afford otherwise. Today was supposed to be that for me...now I can only get onto the business of job hunting.

I'll buy myself a pizza or something tonight to treat myself and celebrate the course commencement. So tired though, got about 3 hours sleep and woke up at 2 am. It's been like that the past week, except that today I'll be out, no chance for a nap.

So all in all not in the best of moods, I'll just remind myself of all the reasons to be happy. Sometimes I really hate that sort of sentiment though, I know there are people who have it worse than me but it doesn't mean I have to pretend my life is a picnic. I don't have a lot to look forward to in my life, usually one or two big things a year and that's enough to keep me going.

Ah wells, I'll find the energy to keep going, find something else to look forward to. I'd better finish getting ready, will write some more on the train.

I'm at Roma St, train will be here in 20 mins... I thought there were supposed to be heaps of trains at this time in the morning. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to leave Sherwood at 8am and expect to get to Yeerongpilly at 9:30am. Yet it seems I'm going to be a little late. Trying to rationalize it all right now and not give in to anxiety and anger...

It's okay if I'm a few minutes late, it's okay... Will just leave a little earlier next time. I kind of feel like punching something though, no one had better give me shit when I get there. Ha ha... I sound ridiculous. It's all good. Sigh.

So we're three hours into the course and just about to open our exercise books on health and safety. Bit distracted as I am hungry, no ATMs or stores with eftpos around here. But also I received a voicemail from Centrelink saying I missed an appointment this morning and my payment is suspended.....sigh.

I was aware that there was an appointment today but I assumed it was with my job placement guy who called on Monday to confirm a meeting for today, but when I reminded him about the training he moved it to Monday next week. I thought that was the appointment it was referring to.

Can't call Centrelink right now, so I called my job guy who said he'd sought it out for me and not to worry. Trying very hard to do just that, I am VERY lucky I was already paid today. Hopefully will be sorted by the next fortnight.

So to recap, I've barely had any sleep, I'm really hungry, I've had my Centrelink cut off and I cannot go through with any of the financial plans I had for the next few months. I think that counts as a bad day, yet I am remaining strangely optimistic. I mean I just have to get through the next few hours and I can eat and sleep. The money stuff will be sorted. And I'll just have to get over the otter stuff.

Man I want a job, just give me a job, I want to work. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, why can't I find work? I'll get this certificate, bit will that be enough? Is that satisfactory? Do I have to then go off for personality reassessment or something? I'm a little cynical right now.

In my therapy I would go on and on about my fears of nothing ever going easily for me and it's days like today that make me think I was right. But hey, I get to do a free certificate that should eventually lead to paid work. That's something that's gone very right so far. Back to the training now, I'll write more later. This entry is getting very long and I haven't even gotten to all the things that happened during the last week or so. Fun fun fun!

The next three hours sped by as we went through about 100 pages like speed demons. You know what I'm going to end it here, it's getting close to midnight, I just ate heeeeeaps of food in the hopes I can fall into a sleep coma. :)

I'm feeling better, had a nice long chat with Carmen on the phone for a while, she cheered me up a bit. Tomorrow is another day, got to call Centelink and fix this mess. Got to finish my current workbook before Friday too. Will try and chilllll... Hugs and love.

Andy Scott

Census And Censusability

2011-08-14T10:55:00.000+10:00

Apologies for going AWOL, so much to get through! I'd been keeping a close eye on one particular campaign to do with the bi-decadial (not a word) national census. The campaign, a call for accuracy in regard to question on religion, urging people to a) not mark their birth religion if they are no longer practicing and b) not write joke entries like Jedi or Pastafarian because they are not counted. So on the morning of the census I anxiously sent out a message to everyone on my Facebook whom would be doing the census, it took a lot of courage to do it because I really don't like bothering everyone because I know not everyone isn't as political as I am. But this was important, this was something that affected all of us and thus I should fight the butterflies. Here's the message I sent out.

Hello everyone, today is census day and no doubt you must have been hearing about the 'no religion' campaign and may have even wondered "what's the big deal?" The government uses data collected from the census to plot what Australia is going to look like many years from now and how best to run the country based on that future projection. Part of that plan is based on how the government imagines the Australian peoples' views to be as a collective, after all pragmatism wins elections. If the government thinks that the majority of Australians are religious (which they aren't) then they will base their policies around that belief.

How does that effect you? If you care about any of the following issues then you should begin to understand just how important this is: reproductive/abortion rights, marriage equality, climate change, gender equality, chaplains instead of counselors in schools, the evolution 'debate', scientific inquiry and advancement, internet censorship or censorship in general, intolerance of other religious minorities, homophobia and child abuse...just to name a few off the top of my head. Religion has its influence on much of our social policies and laws.

Don't automatically assume 'not religious' means 'not spiritual' either, it just means you are not member of any recognised religion and/or that you don't believe in a god. Writing something like Jedi or Pastafarian is the equivalent of casting a donkey vote, you will not be counted in the final result, your opinion will not be included. If you are not among the listed, recognised religions out there I urge you to mark 'no religion' on your census forms. Also if I have angered any religious people with this message then I promise to keep my politics out of your religion when you promise to keep your religion out of my politics.

Thank you very much for reading!

Andy Scott

P.S. - If you know of anyone that may need a bit of convincing please feel free to share this note, I think you might even be able to tag them and then they'll receive a notification.

My family had a census/pizza celebratory evening, Mum comes out and says I put 'Greek Orthodox'... even though she probably hasn't stepped inside a church since she was a child. Facepalm. ha ha. Oh well, it's my hope that at least some people were more accurate on their censuses...umm censi? Not sure what the actual plural is...

Then Friday came around, eeep! Made my way to the Valley to begin my volunteer training for Amnesty International. 10am till 4pm session where myself and a small group of enthusiastic people would learn the inner workings of the Brisbane office. We started with the general house keeping, our responsibilities as volunteers, etc... Then we moved onto more specific things like the various campaigns and action groups that work within the Brisbane branch including the brand new Homelands campaign which came to life after a recent government decision to remove federal services from a large number of Aboriginal communities in the Northern Territory in the hopes it will inspire those people to move to a number of larger communities. I'd have to check the numbers again, but it was something like 500 communities that would no longer receive any government services including welfare, education, health, police, etc... It essentially forces them to move off their homelands, thus the campaign.

This is going to be the first campaign I take part in, I want to see what it's like to take part in a very active group and this is where Amnesty Australia's main focus is going to be for at least the next year. It's very exciting because most Amnesty groups never get to work on campaigns in their own country, the policy is for Amnesty to always work on International campaigns, that way there is much less of a chance of being persecuted by their own government. But a few countries like Australia, United States and the United Kingdom have been given permission to work on national campaigns as the danger is limited. But there is also a communications group I'd like to be involved with as well, they're in charge of things like the newsletters, but more excitedly all the social media aspects of Amnesty, an area I think needs great improvement.

Since I have a lot of free time I also volunteered to be an office worker, where I have various tasks mainly being receptionist it seems. It's a double win because I get to do actual work and since I'm looking for paid admin work elsewhere it will make for good experience. Speaking of which, later on Friday I went back to Break Thru in order to fill out my enrollment forms for a Certificate III in Business Administration. It's a five week course that I'll be doing...at the end of this month? It's also fully funded by Break Thru! How amazing is that? Hopefully once I've completed it it'll give me a much higher chance of being hired in a data entry role.

Back to Amnesty. I'm feeling quite optimistic about making it my home for a while, I'm not going to say for the rest of life because that's a long time, but for a while at least. I'm getting nothing but good vibes about it. You know the best part? I feel comfortable enough now to finally call myself an activist, if anyone asks what I do that'll be my answer. Whoo! Of course I'm still a beginner, but better a beginner than a...noginner? I'm coming up with all sorts of new words today! I think I have another day of training coming up, not too sure what's happening yet. But I'll find out soon enough. I want to take a moment to thank all the people I met at the office for their hospitality and I look forward to working with you all very soon.

Friday evening was David's birthday, we went back to Koh Ya, a Japanese BBQ place in the Valley. It got a little bit emotional, but I got to meet some really nice people whom I hope to hang out with again in the future. Today I'm going over to Phoebe's with some others for hangings out and foods. It's been a really busy week and I could use a chilled out afternoon among friends. Actually I really could use a nothing day at home, but that's for tomorrow. Okay that's all for now! Hugs and love. :D Oh and the cancellation of Soundwave Revolution realllllllllly sucks!!!

Andy Scott

How Andy Acquired His Groove Late In Life.

2011-08-08T17:13:00.000+10:00

Sooo full...I'm no psychic but even I can tell there's a nap in my very near future. Nothing major on today, so why not!? Had a truly fantastic weekend though, I am Mr. Social these days, actually I'm just leeching off the sociability of Carmen, he he he. We went to a Japanese BBQ restaurant in the Valley on Saturday night called Koh Ya where they like to shout at you to show how happy they are to see you. IRASHAI MASE!!! We were over at David and Darian's just beforehand as well, hung out with a few people on their way to Greazefest, 4 days of Rock, Kustom Kulture and Kool Kats. 50s nostalgia basically, I'm going to join them next year for sure. David came with us to Koh Ya, you get your food raw and each table has its own BBQ built into the table. So you gots to cook it yourself.

We had chicken thigh, pork jowl, assorted vegetables (corn, mushroom, onion, zucchini etc.), this really awesome DIY sushi plate with a raw beef mincey thing. Oh and Wagyu beef which deserved a sentence of its own considering how awesome it was. Oh. My. God! I'm not exaggerating when I say those two morsels of beef I had were the tastiest bits of meat I have ever eaten... I'm clenching my fists because I have not the words suitable enough to describe the tastiness! David enjoyed it so much that I decided to switch venues for his birthday this Friday, works for me! Though it was going to be at a tapas restaurant that was like a sushi train, I'd like to try that one day. But Koh Ya is more suitable for a party, fantastic atmosphere, extremely friendly staff and the novelty of cooking your own food without the preparation or the clean up!

I also decided it was the right time to ease off on my no drinking policy, so I had a beer amongst friends. I've learnt a lot in the last 2.5 years since I last had alcohol and I'm a very different person. I don't have the urge to get drunk and I don't want any wines or spirits. Just the occasional beer for I love the taste. :) Cut to Sunday, a friend of Carmen's is in a band and they were playing a gig in Marooka. We got there and it was like this upstairs area of a snack bar, a sort of slummy attic space that was apparently going to be demolished sometime soon...and I loved it, perfect atmosphere for a chilled out gathering of relaxed types. One section of the room was designated the stage and several bands played over the course of the day. I think we were there for up to 6-7 hours, lost track of time.

Met some really nice people too, all so talented, everyone there seemed to have some sort of musical or artistic talent. There was a time when I might have been jealous about something like that, but since I too have found my calling in activism it didn't phase me, could just be myself and enjoy their vast talent. I'm very proud of myself the way I'm able to just talk to new people these days, was still a little shy but hey no one's perfect. :) I'll definitely attend any other parties these people throw, haven't had that much fun in a long time. Well that's all for now, I'm really drowsy and I want to focus on watching Sharks in Venice which is on the other monitor. Life is good.

Andy Scott

Relief, An Understatement.

2011-08-05T11:02:00.000+10:00

So Mum's fine, major relief, she was extremely lucky however. The fact that she was not injured baffles the mind... Mum was going through the roundabout next to Indooroopilly shopping town near the entrance to Woolworths, another car just came driving through the roundabout without looking and smashed right into the side of Mum's car, fortunately the passenger side... Apparently it was a mother chatting to her son, or fighting with more likely and just wasn't paying attention. I find it hard to be angry at her, it does sound like a genuine accident, the type of thing that just happens in a split second. Both cars were written off, but there were no injuries so the cars did their jobs well. Mum is now growing accustomed to living without a car, she's very achy, but surprisingly very unaffected. I mean she's bound to be a bit scared of driving, but other then that she's taking it really well.

So life is kind of back to normal. The information session at Amnesty the other night was wonderful. The options for volunteering are plentiful, but I decided that since I'm free during daytime that I'll do some admin work for them...for starters. Then there's the communications group which does all the online work, Facebook, Twitter and all that. I'm pretty experienced with all that jazz, so I'll see if they need me to help out in that department. There are also action groups for specific causes including Refugees, LGBT rights, Women's rights and very soon there will be a new group for Indigenous people's rights. I'm going to attend a meeting for each one of the groups and then pick one or two of them that I think might need my help the most or that I feel more passionate about.

I'm going back next Friday for a full day of training and get to know the staff. Gonna be a nice busy weekend actually, David's birthday that night, lotsa shenanigans. The following day is a massive rally for marriage equality in the city, I'm going to see if I can make that my first official volunteer day with Amnesty. Otherwise I'll just attend as a concerned citizen. heh. There's another event in the evening to celebrate the national apology to the Indigenous peoples of Australia. I'm going to be a lot busier from now on, that's for sure and that's excellent! All I need now to have perfection in my life is a job I can do for 2-3 days a week and to meet that special someone. Both of which will happen in time. :-) Having a quiet one today, ain't nothing wrong with that! Have a good one people. Hugs.

Andy Scott

My Heart Sunk...

2011-08-03T12:07:00.000+10:00

I feel really nauseous right now... Steven just came in and said Mum was in a car accident, she's apparently fine, no injuries, but the car is wrecked... I tried calling her, but she's probably talking with people at the scene. I think Dad's gone to get her... Not much I can do until she gets home... So I'll try and distract myself with some blogging.

Had a really nice time on Monday chilling with Carmen and Mr. Bungle, we were both in a major sushi mood so we went to Southbank and met with David for a smorgasbord at Ginga sushi train. I've had my fair share of sushi in my lifetime but I admit to still being a noob when it comes to telling the sushi apart. Meh, it's all tasty. I'm glad David and Carmen are getting along, he's a really nice guy and he's taking a lot of very positive steps. He wants to improve himself and I hope to be able to help him out with that.

Heading to Amnesty later this evening for an information session about becoming a volunteer, I'm so excited about it and I'm glad Eliza will be there with me. I don't feel anxious, but I'm always a lot more self-confident when there are people around that I'm familiar with. I can't really concentrate on this right now... I'm going to try and call Mum again.

Andy Scott

Holy Mountain, Holy Moly!

2011-07-31T09:38:00.004+10:00

I'm sitting at the train station in Fortitude Valley having just completed another appointment at Break Thru. These appointments are getting briefer, there's just not much to discuss at this point. I've been handed to another consultant who has been working very hard to find me a data entry position, but he's hit a brick wall. Temp agencies run most of the data entry jobs in town and all the places he's contacted won't hire anyone outside of their usual hiring methods.

Which is a shame for me as it would be an ideal job, but we adapt to our conditions when needed. My consultant asked if it was okay to begin looking elsewhere such as call centres. I said as long as it's inbound and salary based I'd be very happy with that line of enquiry. That's all I really needed to do today.

I applied for a scholarship to go to the 2011 Human Rights conference here in Brisbane. Figured I might be in with a shot considering I live here and am an avid supporter. It's like $400 otherwise. I was also able to get a ticket to the Harvest festival this morning which has bands like Portishead, The Flaming Lips & The Narional playing. Better than a punch to the crotch I say. I'm gonna owe Tanzih for a short while though.

Heading over to Pete's soonish, got to catch up about his trip to Singapore. Hopefully Mitch is there too, haven't seen him for the same amount of time. Later tonight I'm going to GoMA with Eliza to see Holy Mountain, a surrealist film from Jodorowsky, the same guy that made El Topo which I saw last year. If it's as fucked up as that one we're gonna be in for one hell of a night. I'll post the trailer later.

And now suddenly it is Sunday! Voila. Friday night I attended Alejandro Jodowrowsky's Holy Mountain, surreal, uncomfortable, hilarious... I can't take that sort of film seriously, not to say I didn't appreciate it. I could interpret the messages he was trying to convey, the shallowness of humanity mixed with the greed and unenlightenment. But the manner in which he presents these messages is too ridiculous. In one scene you've got an old man who for some reason has big saggy tits, a misshapen beard which is shaved on one side and long and scraggly on the other. Without warning his bosom turns into the heads of jaguars and violently sprays milk into a man's face, and that's not funny? :)

I managed to find the clip, but someone edited the audio...you should still get the general gist of it though. I've checked the calendar for upcoming films at GoMA and I'm going to try an see a few more as they have films by Lynch, Jeunet and Cronenberg. Nice way to spend the evening.

Was feeling a bit lonely yesterday, so I was pleased when Carmen rang and asked if I wanted to head out to the city for dinner. We went to a nice Korean place I think on Elizabeth St... Stayed there a while stuffing our faces before heading to the Pig N Whistle to meet with Adam, one of Carmen's friends at uni. Nice chats...then back to Carmen's.

I took her bed and she slept in the lounge, she warned me that Mr. Bungle had taken over that room and she couldn't sleep in there anymore because he wouldn't allow it. Not in a malicious way of course, he just likes to play. His favourite game apparently is 'I jump on your face', because he did that all. night. long. Ah wells, I'm home now and just thought I'd finish this before having some sleep, will post the Holy Mountain trailer a bit later. Have a great day y'all!

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Andy Scott

I'm Back!

2011-07-28T09:33:00.000+10:00

I was starting to think I'd never get back to this, but it's only been what 4-5 months? And you know what? I am not going to go in depth about what went on in that time, just the core details, the juicy bits. I'm feeling a bit rusty at this actually, it'll all come flooding back I'm sure. Seems there's been a lot of updates on Blogger in my absence, not the very least its incorporation into Google+. I wonder if this will appear in my news stream? I'll figure it out in due time.

Anyway! I'm in a really good place right now, I'm mentally healthier than any time I can remember and I'm pretty sure that's obvious to everyone around me as well. Long time readers of this journal might remember a time when I was attending therapy and was having a hard time implementing all the lessons and techniques I was learning and I said 'one day this is just all going to come naturally'. Well that time is now! I no longer have issues with self-confidence, overwhelming guilt, being overly judgmental, black and white style thinking and a number of other common issues people face. I wake up in a good mood, excited about the day, I set myself tasks which I complete effortlessly and I go to sleep at night feeling just as positive as I had when the day begun.

I have excellent relationships with friends and family, have an awesome social life and feel adequately fulfilled in general. I left university at the beginning of the year because I just wasn't feeling it, you know that unshakable feeling when you think your attention is on the wrong thing and you're just supposed to be doing something else? I decided that I was finally ready to go back to being a working man, it's just something I need to do for a number of reasons. To feel completely independent again, not from my parents but from Centrelink, I'd be quite happy to stay living here and just pay more rent. To have a greater sense of fulfillment, I mean I don't want work to take up all my time, I'm only looking for 2-3 days a week. But as silly as it is, it really does give you that stronger sense of identity, that you are needed, respected and useful.

I'm with a job agency called Break Thru right now, they're working really hard to find something for me. They deal exclusively with people who have mental or physical disabilities and as such depression falls neatly under their jurisdiction. Of course it's been several months since I've had any sort of depressive episode, but since it took me out of the game for so long I need more help than the average job seeker. We're looking for something in Data Entry, got a call from them yesterday in fact saying that even though the process was going slowly they are indeed still working hard. And I believe them.

The plan is to work for a few months, get some savings and move out sometime in the new year. I do really like living here, but it's just so crowded down here with my brothers. Chris is still studying so he's going to be here for a long time, Steven's looking for work but I don't see him moving out even if he does get something. So I guess that just leaves me and I suppose it would be nice to have a place of my own even though I really enjoy being able to hang out with my family whenever I want. So I'll probably be moving to the West End/East Brisbane area with Carmen, she's back home too and I'm sure she's anxious to move back to that side of town as soon as she can. If that falls through I'll just find a place by myself, unless there's someone else I'd like to move in with.

I finally went into Amnesty HQ in the valley, Eliza came with me and we both signed up to be volunteers. There's an information seminar next week about what volunteering entails, but I think we've both made out minds up already to go through with it. A few weeks after that there's a one day training session and from there we can start doing a minimum of 4 hours a week. I'm very excited because I've been wanting to do this for ages, but my anxiety got the better of me. Amnesty is my favourite activist organisation in the world and I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a lifelong relationship with them, although I have been a member for a few years now. This is different, this is being hands on and physically taking part in their activities. Never again will I feel guilty that I'm not doing my share to make the world a better place.

It's almost time to wave goodbye to the depressive era of my life, though there are some remnants. I'm still on my medication, though I've gone from 225mg daily to 150mg. I'm returning to my GP very soon and I hope to go down to 75mg in the next few weeks, but it could take longer. I'm leaving it totally up to him, even though there's a natural urge to be rid of them entirely as soon as possible. I ran out for a few days a fortnight ago, I think I went without the meds for 4-5 days and I felt exactly the same. So at least I know I can survive without them when the time comes. I'm no longer seeing my counselor or psychologist, we just ran out of things to talk about, well I did anyway and if I can't think of anything then it's not like they can just come up with any advice. I've also left Mindnet, my support group though I've remained friends with a few members. I just don't identify as someone with depression anymore and no longer felt the need to discuss it with anyone. Though if they need me for anything I'll be there in a flash.

I think that about sums it up. I'm loving my life, I'm not looking too far ahead and stressing, just enjoying the moments as they happen. I don't have any big plans anymore, just to live and be happy as much as I can. To enjoy the people around me. To enjoy all my hobbies. But also to be open to new things. I'm not sure what this blog is going to be about from now on, it's certainly going to be different from the way it was. I'm a very different person with very different things on my mind. Well it will be what it will be. Thanks for reading and I love you all very much.

Andy Scott

Hiatus

2011-03-19T13:03:00.000+10:00

I think I'm going to place this blog on hiatus for the moment, it's not that I don't have the time to update it...I just want to have one less thing on my mind whilst I traverse through this semester. I have to say that things are going very well so far, I'm absolutely loving the courses I've chosen, so fascinating. The classes themselves are great, including the peoples. Only real issue right now is trying to have the energy to get through the days, it's been so long since I've had to do anything full-time, just not used to it yet. That'll change, especially as I'm aiming to be full-time for many years to come. Sleep pattern is still a little irregular, but much better than before. Overall I'm very optimistic, starting next week I'm going to start focusing on the assessment a bit more and I do need to catch up on some readings.

Having a birthday dinner for myself this evening with most of my closest friends, minus the ones who sadly couldn't be here, you know who you are. Going to the German Club in Wooloongabba around 7. Had a really good birthday this year, best ever in fact...though I can't remember the ones from my childhood, who knows if those were better? The trip to the coast was also beyond brilliant too. I'm a very fortunate individual. Okay, that's all for now, I wouldn't expect a post for a very long time unless I change my mind about this hiatus. Lots of love in the meantime.

Andy Scott

All I Need To Say For The Moment.

2011-03-08T17:10:00.001+10:00

Just wanted to quickly stop by to write that my absence over the last week or so is not because of some sort of freak out or break down because of uni. I'm taking things very slow right now and don't want to be in my head so much, thus I may not post very much this month. I have to find a new way to adapt to university, something that better matches my personality, of which I have a much better understanding.

Cautiousness and optimism, that's the key at this point. Also not being grossly overconfident and subsequently over focused. Good plan at this point. Things are going well, slow and steady. One week at a time for now and soon I'll make that more like one day at a time when the work increases. I have been a bit anxious, bit it's under control. More soon I hope. Lots of love.

Andy Scott

Can I Retire And Mean It?

2011-02-27T21:29:00.002+10:00

Watching Willie Dynamite at Pete's, it's a not so great blaxploitation flick from the early 70s. A few chuckle worthy moments so far. It's more or a less a nice way to wind down after the session of D & D we just played. I got the feeling that we all had a good time, I certainly did. Went a whole lot smoother now that I was on the laptop. I'd planned it up to encounter #5, which ended up taking 2 and a half hours.

There was actually very little stress on my part, just had to read what was on the screen, improvise when necessary and keep everything organized. Fortunately I got more than enough sleep last night. Ended up getting home around 11pm thanks largely to a very efficient transport situation, I was both pleased and surprised. Trains running from RNA to Roma St, Ipswich train was waiting there.

Now back to the start of the day. Made it to the valley by 11, met with Carmen, Matt & Eliza. Breakfast, some chats and we were on our way. First upset of the day, no Saxon! Gah! Very disappointed by that, they apparently stayed in the UK to finish recording their new album, which is an okay excuse I guess...still lame. Checked out The Sword, not as good live as on the albums but still a lot of fun, great guitar work, really mellowed the crowd down.

Sevendust immediately entered the other stage, nice bit of nostalgia...I just wasn't getting into the zone I'm usually in at a festival or concert by this point. Eliza and I went round to the main stages to see Monster Magnet, man that guy's got a voice like rocks in a blender...love it! We sat up in the stands out of the sun which was as intense as the music. Finally got a message through to Luke who turned up with Garth & Lauren. No reception all day...so annoying. Hadn't really seen those two in a decade, nothing like seeing the adult versions of two former child memories.

It was around this point I kind of gave up on my schedule, just couldn't be bothered, no excitement. Just wanted to chill in the shade and hang out with those guys, oh yeah Tanzih & Grisha showed up too. Primus were next, I do quite like them, but I'm not sure if they're really the type of band you want to check out at a festival. Felt like an hour long jam session. Oh I'm wrong...Bullet for my Valentine and Stone Sour were on first, liked the latter but not the former. Probably because I'm sort of a Corey fan.

Slash. Played some old Guns N Roses hits, which got the crowd singing, myself included. Can't complain much about that, though I have been whining quite a bit already. We went off to grab some dinner and properly catch up at this point. Can't really chat during the shows and there's like a 2 minute gap between bands. That is unless you're Faith No More last year whom must have just been waiting there in the dark for Jimmy Eat World to finish because they started playing straight away. Nice professionalism!

I've now been to two concerts where Slayer have played and then not seen them, even though there was nothing else on. Again couldn't be bothered. Back to the main stage for One Day As A Lion with Zach de la Rocha, again a brilliant band but not the kind of thing I really felt like seeing live. Great musicians though. Queens of the Stone Age! Whoo! Second best performance of the days. Which brings me to...

Maiden!!! Woooow! Amazing!!! Made the whole day completely worth it. The perfect mix of old and new, including several songs from the new albums that I've been dying to hear live. I was absolutely awestruck! During the day I think I came to the conclusion that my musical ventures may have come to an end. I think I might just limit that to festivals only. For example if Rush or Arcade Fire have a concert here there's no way I'd miss that. I just don't have the stamina or the excitement for festivals.

I have to end there because I'm bored of writing. The film is nearly over and I'm going to head to Alex's house for some dinner and to hang out with peoples. I need to get ingredients for a salad, that's what I've been tasked with. Easy peasy... I guess I'll write about that a bit later, all chilled now. I do have quite the social life. Heh heh.

I don't think the weekend could have ended any better than that it was a truly fantastic evening at Alex's house. Sausages, steak, salad and cheesecake. Whoa, just had a quick blackout, good thing I'm using my phone. It felt like a mini high school reunion almost, I don't think this recorder will understand all the names so I might just type it in manually.

Me, Tanzih, Leah, Robin, Alex, Phoebe and Trish. I think it just felt so fresh just to be around a group of people that you actually enjoy. Grisha was there too and Alex's new girlfriend Kelsey, who was really friendly. I miss this sort of thing a little, nice big dinner party or just hanging out having a laugh. It doesn't have to be a group thing, mixing up the participants can be the most refreshing part.

It's the final weekend before University begins and I don't think it could have gone any better. I don't start until Wednesday but I'm still gonna be a bit nervous actually, I think I'm more excited than nervous right now. Life is good. Much love.

Andy Scott

Prelude To Soundwave 2011.

2011-02-26T09:32:00.001+10:00

It's here! It's like Christmas for metal heads, except instead of it being the season of giving, it's the season of NOT giving a fuck! I'm in high spirits right now obviously, Soundwave is Australia's only festival for a guy like me. Fortunately I'm in a bit more open minded in my music tastes so there are lots of other festivals for a guy like me... :) Not important right now. Just getting dressed, leaving in an hour to go meet Eliza in the valley for breakfast... In truth I'm just going to have some left over pizza in a minute...or should I save it for when I get home tonight... Too excited to think, ha ha. Allow me to reprint my schedule for today to give you an idea why I'm excited.

12:00 – 12:30 - Saxon
12:30 – 1:00 - The Sword
1:15 – 2:00 - Monster Magnet
2:45 – 3:30 - Stone Sour
4:00 – 4:30 - High On Fire
4:30 – 5:10 - Dimmu Borgir
5:40 – 6:40 - Slayer
6:40 – 7:10 - Kylesa
7:10 – 8:00 - Queens of The Stone Age
8:00 – 10:00 - Iron Maiden

So at midday I've got the mighty Saxon, a band from the New Wave of British Heavy Metal era of the early 80s...the same movement that brought us the day's headliner as well. I got into these guys at some point during my musical exploration, I can never really remember dates. But I own a bunch of their early albums and am disappointed they're only playing for 30 minutes. But that is the way of festivals such as these. Directly afterward something a bit more modern and American, The Sword recently shot to fame when they toured with and were constantly praised by Metallica. That's how I heard of them a few years ago anyway, last year they released Warp Riders which had a nerdy sci-fi concept that obviously I adored. Instead of just comparing them to other bands I thought I'd just present a clip.

After that I head to the main stage to check out Monster Magnet, now I've been a long time listener of these fellas, but it was only in the last few months that it turned into an in depth appreciation. So I'm probably not going to recognize a lot of what they play, but I will recognize that it kicks a lot of arse regardless. Stone Sour is a side project of Slipknot front man Corey Taylor, haven't heard much from them, but there's nothign really on in that time slot I want to see and Corey is one hell of a vocalist so I'd be crazy not to go see them play. Shortly thereafter is one of the bigger reasons for my Soundwave foray this year, caught the very end of High on Fire's performance two years ago when they were a support act for Lamb of God and I've been dying to see them ever since. I've worked my way through their whole back catalog and am anticipating my face to melt just a tad when they hti the stage. They're also playing the Hi-Fi bar this coming Tuesday with Protest the Hero and Kylesa, another band from today. Buuut trivia is that night, it's Robin's birthday and I don't really have the cash...so we shall see!

Dimmu Borgir I imagine are going to be the most interesting band I see today, very much a connoisseur of their symphonic black metal style for almost a decade now. They know how to bring the theatrical as well as the neck pains.

Ha ha, their guitarist looks like the head shaman from The Mighty Boosh. Slayer! Not the hugest fan as I've said many times I think, I've been warming to them in recent months...read that as, I've been playing a bit of their music trying to convince myself to like them. I'm beginning to change my opinion, so maybe I'll check them out today just for the hell of it...or I'll get some dinner. Kylesa are up next, I mentioned them earlier as a support act for High on Fire, not sure how Soundwave scheduling works...all the way up here after Slayer, maybe they put lesser known acts at this time because a lot of people will head to the main stages. Next...a really difficult choice, Rob Zombie or Queens of the Stone Age... I love each band almost equally, last night I made the switch from Zombie to Queens...but who knows what I will choose when the time actually comes. I may end up just hoping my money comes through next week and then I'll head down to Melbourne to see him play a sideshow.

Finally an epic two hour set by Iron Maiden! It's important that I see these guys play for many reasons. It's my first time for starters. Though I did buy a ticket to see them play back in...2008? I can't remember the date, but I had a really big anxiety attack that day. I was at Carmen's art exhibition and couldn't bring myself to leave the company of friends there... It can't be helped, on the bright side at least I got to hang out with Sarah one last time that evening, that makes it totally worth it. They are one of the very last great metal bands that I haven't yet seen, it's about time I rectified that.

Almost time to leave, in fact this turned from a quick entry about what I was going to see, into a full on entry. Looks like I'm skipping pizza, ha ha. Today's high is 29 degrees, but it's been feeling a lot cooler lately so we shall see. I'm planning to do constant Facebook updates today from Soundwave, it depends on how easy I can get reception. Hopefully that doesn't annoy everyone...actually, I really couldn't care less! ha ha. See, I'm already not giving a fuck! \m/

Andy Scott

Sometimes I Don't Need To Say Everything

2011-02-25T22:02:00.001+10:00

Hello I made a few changes to my schedule from the last couple of days I decided that the best way to ensure that I would go to the Soundwave festival tomorrow is if I don't get overwhelmed the day before.

So I cancelled my appointments with my psychologist and my counsellor today and I also decided not to go to the protest as well which was a very hard decision to make. I have to constantly remind myself that I do have limits and I still have a long way to go before I will be well. So even if I really want to do something I go to this protest I sometimes have to make a sacrifice in order to do something else.

Surprisingly my brother Chris went to the protests and just now when I returned home told me that it had been very successful so I'm very happy for them. There will be another next Friday apparently so I'll try and get to that.

I spent this morning just relaxing, having a sleep, working on the Dungeons & Dragons campaign, I had a very good talk with Tanzih too. Later on in the day I went over to Peter's house to hang out with him and Mitch. We had a very good talk for a while and then Mitch's brother came over for a visit, we got pizza and play some Mario party so it was a very relaxing evening too. He's a nice guy, I love it how we're spending more and more time just chatting about things these days. They gifted me a case for my iPhone that has a stand on it, so I can use it in bed etc. Very thoughtful gift, I love it, even got it two weeks before my birthday! :)

So now I think I will be in a very good mood tomorrow morning when I have to go to the valley. I am meeting Eliza and Luke around 11 o'clock we'll have some breakfast and then go to the RNA showgrounds to see Saxon.

There are other things I would like to discuss but I was having too much fun during the day to write about it at the time so when I get back from the concert I'll do some writing on Sunday morning. I think that's awesome, I have high hopes tomorrow is going to be very exciting and enjoyable and I'll write something about that the next day. Alternatively I could write a blog throughout the day as well. We shall see okay good night then.

Andy Scott

A Flash Of Lucidity!

2011-02-23T23:00:00.002+10:00

I just had my first lucid dream! I was dreaming normally for about half an hour to one hour, I don't know how long and suddenly I gained consciousness in the dream and I remembered to do a reality check.

I was talking with my dad at the time or I should say he was talking at me about something. I walked over to the wall and touched it and my hand went through it slightly. So I knew I was dreaming, I started walking around but dad kept following me and was still talking. It was as if the old part of the dream was still trying to take back control.

I guess the excitement of this revelation must have woken me up. I didn't have a chance to try out anything, it only lasted a minute. But that doesn't matter now it was very good for a first experience. I'm going to keep reading about lucid dreaming and see what I can do to make the experience better.

I spent the rest of the day very excited about my dream. I even tried napping a few more times to see if I could do it again, but I couldn't sleep dammit. :) Grisha came over in the afternoon to pick up his soundwave tickets and we had a discussion about it.

So I've tried to slightly forget about it for the moment. I was working on the campaign for the dungeons and dragons game we will be playing this Sunday. It's actually a lot more work than I previously thought, but it is coming together nicely.

I just need to finish another two encounters and I should be ready for this weekend. I'm not going to complete the entire campaign because I don't want to play for too long at one time. This way we'll be forced to stop once we've reached the point that I've worked up to. Perhaps that's a little too devious... He he.

I also created on an event on Facebook my birthday. I decided to have dinner at the German club in Woolloongabba, a place that Carmen and David usually recommend. I think it will be nice to celebrate this is for once. I haven't invited anyone from the mindnet group because if I invite one person I have to invite all of them so it's a bit tricky. Not that I really have a problem with anyone there I just think that this party is for more closer friends.

Tomorrow morning I will go into the city to meet up with Eliza for lunch. Her birthday is also coming up soon so I will ask her if she wants to do anything. In the afternoon I have to go to Indooroopilly for an appointment with my psychologist. Then it's off for some present shopping.

Money is extremely tight right now so I really hope that money from the government come soon... I realize I've said that every entry for the last few weeks, but never has it been more true than today. Ha ha... Alright that's all from me I am quite excited to get to sleep now and have another dream. It's crazy that one or two weeks ago I was terrified to sleep and now I can't wait. Life can be bad shit crazy like that sometimes. Good night and sweet dreams... ;)

Andy Scott

The Trivial And The Not So Trivial...

2011-02-22T22:49:00.002+10:00

Today didn't start off so well, I was reading all of these reports coming from Libya from about 2 AM till 10 AM. It is absolutely shocking the amount of violence that has been used on these protesters. What sort of maniac would fire upon his own citizens including using planes to bomb them?

I tried very hard to find any information about rallies or protests in Brisbane today. But there was nothing organized. One day I hope to have the ability to organise my own events with other people, but for now I will have to focus more on getting stronger and more knowledgeable. I just wish there was more I could do other than raising awareness.

I got a few hours sleep in before heading to the city for trivia tonight. Our team came first this week which is fantastic! I have been practising some of my people skills tonight, being relaxed and not worrying about what other people think, just being myself. It's actually not that hard for me once I stop worrying about everything. So I had a good time talking to many people tonight.

Tomorrow will be quiet I don't think I have to do anything. But since I didn't complete the university tasks I wanted to today I will have to do it tomorrow. This entire entry has been written using the dictation program whilst lying in bed and listening to music. It took about 10 min which is so much faster than just typing! Feeling good today and tonight. But absolutely distraught about what is happening in the middle east... Will continue to keep an eye on the situation and will celebrate as soon as the Libyan government collapses, which will hopefully be very soon. Good night and I love you all!

Andy Scott

Dictators And Dictation.

2011-02-21T00:53:00.000+10:00

Huge storm outside right now, we're holed up at Pete's playing some Mario Party. It be super powerful, Kapow! We just came back from a gaming slash comic book shop in Annerley. Yep, getting pretty nerdy as of late...all right, I confess that it's much longer than that, you got me. I beat Peter, I am some sort of Mario Party god. :)

We bought a new campaign for Dungeons & Dragons, one we can use later this year. It comes with a pull out maps and everything. We decided it would just be simpler if we spent the money and got all the official gear. We'll try and get a game in this Sunday. I'm having lots of ideas, let's see if I follow through.

I'll improve the narrative, a better story line, more rewards and a musical soundtrack would be nice. A collection of Blind Guardian, Sonata Arctica and HammerFall methinks, they're to fantasy games what Barry White is to 'getting it awwwn!'

I spent most of this morning, eyes glued to my computer screen in regard to what is happening in the Middle East and Northern Africa, particularly in Libya. I'd be ecstatic if it wasn't for the genocide that has been accompanying the revolution. There hasn't been much news later on in the day, I think dictator Gaddafi and his cronies will fall but I fear the violence has only just begun... I will continue to use my words to raise awareness for that is all I can really do. But I will shed many tears for the dead before this is over...

In brighter news today marks an important anniversary, it has been two years since I last had a drop of alcohol...well not a drop, two jugs of beer or so at the Soundwave festival of 2009. It's been a bloody long journey, it was only last Wednesday I had cravings still. Today is not a time for dwelling though, today is a celebration. I deserve to be proud of myself, I've earned it! :)

Still haven't switched over to Newstart or the scholarship... It's getting quite close to the start of semester too. The three week mark, which is the average processing time, is this Thursday. I will have faith in them as usual, getting a little impatient... I called last week and just told me to wait the three weeks out. Chris got his today and he applied just before me, soooo...

Got back on OKcupid today, wrote to a few lovely laaaaidies. Gotta keep trying ay. Found an app today that can turn my voice into text... That means I can try dictating a blog entry and copy and paste. I've tried it and as long as I enunciate very clearly it works fantastically!

Think that's about all, will wait till later as per usual. I have just returned home and am now trying out the dictation device that I downloaded from the Internet and I hope that the death metal that is playing in the background doesn't affect this paragraph.

Yeah that worked really well, I only had to type the last two words everything else was correct. If I can do multiple paragraphs at once it'll be really awesome. I'll try and finish this entry only by using the dictation app, which by the way is called Dragon Dictation and is a free app.

Deciding that I wanted to better control my dreams I have started experimenting with lucid dreaming. I have been reading a few websites and last night I tried it out for the first time. It involves using meditation and repeating certain mantras over and over.

Ideally you want to train your mind into being able to become conscious during dreams. I was not successful last night but if I keep trying I should be able to train my brain to do it successfully.

I am really looking forward to a successful lucid dream. This dictation application is really awesome. All I have to do is replace a few words and add punctuation. Too easy tomorrow I do not have much planned I will go to trivia in the evening and that's about it.

I think I will spend most of the day preparing for university. I need to make a basic schedule and make a list of all the texts that I need to purchase. I am getting quite nervous now but also quite excited too.

Hi how to say it again this application is fucking awesome. Alright it's time for bed I think and I really want to practice more of that meditation. Our brains are actually quite easy to manipulate. You can change any thought pattern you just have to keep trying. Good night and much love!

Andy Scott (it even got my name right!)

Fight The Signal...Got To Find It First!

2011-02-19T13:15:00.000+10:00

Couldn't write yesterday as I was over at Boronia Heights, Tanzih & Grisha's, which has nooo reception. It's not even that far away... National Broadband Network now please... Our latest strategy to keep in touch, until they get their Skype working, is that I get to Darra station Friday afternoon and hitch a ride with Grisha as he goes home from work.

It's convenient for all parties, we'll try and make it a regular thing. Of course I have to stay the night, I'd like to try catching public transport back sometime, even if it does take like 90 mins. I love just sitting on buses and trains like that, when it's quiet and you can be alone with your thoughts and music. At the same time you're out and about, doing things.

We went back to their old place in Taringa because their skip had been delivered. Had to chuck out some furniture and tidy up a bit. They went back today to assist the cleaners they'd hired. Looking at it last night it were a complete crap hole but I imagine as they viewed it today it would have been with nostalgic eyes. A lot of memories for them there, for me too. I became a new person in that apartment. But they've got a really sweet new place. I mean really sweet...

Spent a little time trying to decide whether or not I'd head over to the BBQ Mindnet meeting in the afternoon. I'd just had so much fun baking pizzas with Tanzih & Grisha that I didn't feel the need to do anything today. I get the impression an I don't think its paranoia that a few of them don't like that I don't turn up as much to these meetups as I used to.

I said from the beginning that I wasn't going to get obsessed with group, that I'd be casual otherwise issues would arise. I have done that, I've also been very caring and friendly to everyone there. If someone there has a problem with me, it's not my fault it's something they have to deal with. As always I'm very willing to listen if they have any problems with me. I don't like to leave things unresolved or even unmentioned.

So that's about it. Still no nightmares since Wednesday... Heading round to Pete's tomorrow. Going to be a quiet week... Oh wait it's really not. Ha ha... Exciting stuff ahead! Lots of love!

Andy Scott

Wiping Off The Mascara.

2011-02-17T23:37:00.000+10:00

Apologies for being a bit emo yesterday, I found myself in a really terrible mood. The result of yet another awful dream... This time I had to watch as everyone in my family was murdered one by one by one lone psycho whom also killed a number of other people.

Eventually I was able to stop him after a very long struggle. I think those moments are the hardest, I have to go through all the emotions of killing another human being... After they were dead the terror didn't cease however. In case of death the guy had planted traps everywhere.

By the time I'd woken up I just couldn't take any more. It's like every I went through every conceivable negative emotion you can have. I've had nightmares in the past, but these ones seem so real... It's hard to start the day after something like that, so my thoughts were dark for the remainder of the day.

I watched a few films to try and distract myself. Went out in the evening for a stroll and to get some groceries. Ended up sitting on a bench for 40 minutes or so listening to some Eels. They're my go to band for when I'm really depressed, always cheers me up a bit. I then went to Coffee Club for a thick shake, that seemed to help a bit as well...

I didn't end up going to Sizzler dinner with the Mindnet crew, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I know some of the people there will understand why I can't make it all the time. Others seem to take things too personally, I can understand why that is and empathize...it's still a bit hurtful sometimes though.

I'm feeling a lot better today, no dream last night. I'll make the most of today, nothing planned so I'll chill out as best I can. I should thank Tanzih, Tamara, Leah and Robin for making Tuesday very excellent. Some days you win and others... Today will be different.

And so it was. You know what...the negative emotions I can sort of understand, but why is it that during those times you're a lot more irrational. For example I started randomly feeling very anxious about going back to uni, even considering canceling my enrollment.

Today I'm feeling confident and excited again. What if I had given in during one of those low moments and made a bad decision. Sure I tell myself during those moments that I'm being irrational, but it doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't make my head clearer.

I really worry about what I might do in those moments... Would I quit uni? What if I gave in to the urge to drink? There are also many times I feel putting a few possessions into a backpack and getting the first bus or train out of town, just running away. Will I always have the self control to stop myself...?

I suppose all I can really do is keep working on the therapy and as I grow stronger during the good times, I'll be stronger in the bad times too. Mum told me to be proud that I made it through yesterday without giving in to dark thoughts despite how awful I felt. She's right I should be, my psychologist would agree too.

I can't help but feel I was weak to have those thoughts in the first place. Which is exactly what I was taking about last week in therapy. So I will be proud of myself...ahh, who am I kidding it's not that easy. I can't seem to be proud, but the least I can do is to not blame myself for those bad days. That I can believe.

Life can be pretty rough, ay? At least today was fine and tomorrow I'm going to Tanzih's and Grisha's for the night. We're making pizza...Mmm! I had to cancel going to a Mindnet members house on Saturday for a BBQ, no SMS in reply... I do cancel a lot so I can understand if they're pissed. Bedtime...

Andy Scott

Meh...

2011-02-16T22:38:00.001+10:00

Great day yesterday, quite the opposite today... That is all.

Andy Scott

Thicker Than Water, Who You Calling Thick!?

2011-02-14T22:47:00.000+10:00

It's 1am and in finding myself reluctant to fall asleep, I searched Wikipedia for information on nightmare disorders and this what I found...

"If the individual is on medication, the nightmares may be attributed to some side effects of the drug. Amphetamines, antidepressants, and stimulants like cocaine can cause nightmares. Blood pressure medication, levodopa and medications for Parkinson's disease have also been known to cause nightmares as well as SSRIs like Prozac and Effexor."

So it may be the Effexor I'm on that's causing these bloody nightmares. I'll have to make an appointment with my GP and discuss it with him. Maybe there's some sort of sleeping pill I can take too, at this point I don't really care what medication I'm on.

In a wondrous twist I'm in a much better mood today, was a little worried it was the beginning of another depressive downturn...which would have been catastrophic right before uni started. All I needed was one good night if sleep with no terrifying hallucinations...whee...

I've just been to the blood mobile, I was right to cancel D&D today, not too bad just a bit sleepy. Told Pete I can probably make it later in the afternoon. Was a drama free donation, the usual forms and preliminary checkup. I haven't been in since June 2009, that seems so long... I noticed on the forms it said something along the lines of "have you gotten a tattoo in the last six months", I wonder if that means they've reduced the waiting period between tattoo and donation by half. That'd be great, I'd feel less guilty for getting the tattoo.

I didn't ask because it feels weird chatting with someone as they're removing blood from your body, it's one of those places where it doesn't feel appropriate, like if you're on the toilet, you're giving birth or being arrested. Ha ha... Would a vampire do that? Maybe that's the reason for the chatting, they want you to not have the impression you're in Dracula's castle.

Gonna rest now, Arcade Fire take me out...

Funny I should mention Arcade Fire, because they won album of the year at the Grammys a few hours later. It really was an amazing album...so nostalgic, if there's ever an album that's sums up the middle class teenage experience that has to be it.

2011 has been a bit slow in the realm of music, I bought the latest Decemberists album which was more folky and less eclectic. But the essence is still there including the lyrics that sometimes require the use of a dictionary. I also bought Stratovarius' new album Elysium which I enjoyed too, sort of a blend of progressive and power metal.

Coming up in the next few days, new albums from P.J. Harvey and Radiohead! I'm frothing at the mouth just thinking about it... To conclude this entry tonight are Arcade Fire and the song Ready To Start.

Andy Scott

Ups And Downs.

2011-02-13T23:04:00.001+10:00

Had another one of those dreams that really mess with my head... In this instance I was a young student, about 12, at a co-Ed boarding school and the staff were all fascists obviously. After a brutal experience with the headmaster I organize a rebellion, take all the adults hostage and create some sort of utopia in the school.

Not sure why we weren't infiltrated by police, but it ended up lasting for 4 years at least. Over the course of the dream I saw a large number of atrocities...violence, torture, rape, brutality... It was always from the adults though, all the kids got on really well. Students from other schools joined up too.

There were even moments where we broke out into song... Then we all started preparing for this epic stage production about Vikings, it seemed like as soon as that was over it would be the end. That's the feeling I got, I don't know what 'the end' means, I don't think I would have liked to either. It was such an intense dream that even though it's early I'm trying to stay awake just in case I go back to the same dream...

Moods change so easily...not even Big Tits Zombies is cheering me up, the ingenious combination of zombies and strippers in a Japanese horror slash comedy. Actually it does make things a little better. :)

I went back to sleep and had another two horrible dreams...in the end I forced myself out of bed because I couldn't take any more of it... Pretty quiet other wise, reading, music, films... The usual. I thought about tomorrow and decided I probably shouldn't play D&D after I give blood in the morning. I'm going to be pretty out of it.

Maybe I'll head over in the afternoon for a bit, I'll see how I feel. Sleeeeepy... Guess I'll get it over and done with. Things will be better tomorrow.

Andy Scott

Rallying The Enthusiasm.

2011-02-12T20:23:00.001+10:00

Very light headed this morning...head spinny. But I really wanted to get to uni today and have a chat with my counselor, so faintness be damned and I made it in one nauseous piece. I'm happy to report there was no anxiety on the bus, a little paranoia but that's all good. :)

I suppose it's been really helpful having these counseling sessions, if not just for the ability to keep in contact with the campus. It doesn't feel like an old estranged acquaintance whom I have vague recollections of. I feel comfortable sitting here in the middle of the food court blogging on my iPhone... Oh yes I am young and chic.

There wasn't a lot I needed to say that I hadn't already spoke about yesterday with Graeme. But it's a great place to vent, this time most of it aimed at the stupidity of brains. Sure they're complex, but they really work against our best interest sometimes. I've made an appointment to return in two weeks from now just before uni starts again.

I'm going to head home now and relax for a few hours. Might get started on putting our D&D campaign into a flow chart. How much of a nerd do I have to be to be excited by that notion...not to mention anal. Later on I'm going bowling with Robin, Leah, Peter, Mitch and Robert. When next I type I imagine it will be to say how I championed both games! Or fell on my arse like last time...

Got home extra late last night so I just went to bed. Today's entry will be a doubly long one! Small chorus of unenthusiastic hoorays I can hear out there. :) Lots of fun last night, went bowling, played a couple of games, had some not so well prepared foods. Stuck around with Pete afterwards to play on Deal or no Deal machine. We wanted to win enough tickets to win this awesome giraffe thingy.

Perhaps we were just venting some pent up desire for pokies. It's been quite a while since we both gave those up. But the itch is still there. We ended up winning about 600 tickets for 20 bucks, which is pretty damn good. I tentatively tried out the advice I got in therapy and tried just being myself without the constant worry and I think it went well. It's so hard just to switch off...

Going to try it again today though, on the train now to the city to meet up with Kate. We're going to what was formerly a rally in support of the Egyptian protests, but since Mubarek resigned last night it's now going to be a celebration! After that I'm meeting Carmen and Eliza for lunch. Will continue this a bit later on then... Very good mood today!

Cut to a few hours later, I'm over at Peter's for some more American Ninja. It was an exciting morning, got to the square where Amnesty were setting. The usual socialist group vultures were circling the crowd looking to pick off some of the weaker protesters. People were jubilant, especially the members of the Egyptian community whom were present.

We heard from a few speakers, many of whom had been preparing speeches in condemnation of Mubarek. They improvised fairly well though and you couldn't escape the happiness, it was contagious. They sound optimistic that the army will not turn Egypt into a military state especially as they've seen the resolve of the people. They also believe Egypt will become a democratic state. I hope that does happen and the cynics eat their words.

Hung out with Kate for a bit, she was nice enough to come along with me. Then met with Carmen and Eliza for some sushi. Chatted for many, many hours. I do love to sit and chat. :) haven't spent that much time in the city for a while. Was like 7 hours. The first rally in a while, no anxiety and enjoyment. There was a pro-choice rally happening too. But I didn't want to push myself too hard. One rally at a time.

This entry is loooong enough. Back to the ninjas. I'm sure there was other stuff I wanted to say...but meh! Lots of love!

Andy Scott

Habits Of An Entrenched Mind.

2011-02-10T21:47:00.000+10:00

What happened to you Thursday...you used to be cool. Sweating it up right now in the foyer at the Indooroopilly medical center waiting for my appointment with Dr. Graeme. Not going to stress, just go with the flow of the...oh, here he comes. Over and out.

That was a particularly good session, it went right to the core and left me trembling for a good 15 minutes. That always happens when you're told to try and change some of your strongest attitudes. The body doesn't like change very much. But it all made a lot of sense and I'm going to try and repeat as much as I can. Things get lost in the moment.

I have a 'Tiger Mum' approach to becoming a better person, that's the way I described it, not Graeme. It's a term that has been given to the traditional Chinese style of parenting which is growing in popularity in the U.S. i.e. An incessant demand for constant perfection coupled with the lack of acknowledging when good things are achieved. The idea being if you give praise then the child will become complacent and not try as hard.

This is much the same way I deal with myself, I'm always beating myself up, sometimes literally, when I feel I've made mistakes that could have been avoided were I more dedicated to the therapy techniques I've learned. At the same time I rarely praise myself when I've done a good job. Mostly because I don't recognize when I have done something good. I strive for perfection every time, so even if I come close to that goal it's not good enough when I should be saying... 'Look how close you came, that's excellent.'

My mission from now on is to give myself a break, to ease up on the impossible goals I set myself. I didn't even realize they were impossible which was a problem in itself. I spoke of my constant fear of upsetting people or making life more difficult for them. It's something that is almost always on my mind ever since I discovered how hurtful I've been to people in the past.

But I am not that person anymore and I need to remind myself of that. What might be apparent is I have a very 'black or white' style of thinking. My attitude towards my issues is mostly in the same vein as I have towards my alcoholism i.e. one drink is all it takes to fall into relapse. I've managed to convince myself that it only takes a small mistake and I can become that close-minded, insult flinging, unsympathetic arsehole I once was. But they are two very different things... The only way I could become like that again, even if I were to give up completely on therapy, is if I choose to be that person. I would actively have to reverse everything I've done.

Why would I possibly do that? So it shouldn't be something I need to worry about. I need to take a moment and be proud of all the good things I've achieved, especially in regards to how I am around others. I'm very caring, I'm always willing to listen and give my support and I very rarely judge anymore. I'm more interested in being with people because I like them rather than using them for sources of entertainment. In many ways I have become a better person and a better friend...and it is impossible for me to reach the goals I've laid out for myself.

It is impossible for me to never upset another person, as Graeme explained there are millions of people around the world that hate me who haven't even met me. There are people who would be offended by the very idea of me. That's a very broad example and that information alone is not enough to change the way I want to be around the people who are around me and who do like me. But then he told me that I have absolutely no power over how another person will feel or react to something. Unless I am being intentional hurtful, there will be times when people are upset about something I've said or done and there's nothing I can do about it.

Basically, it WILL happen and there's nothing I can do about it so don't worry. It's a hard concept for me to take aboard, but I'm really going to try. It's not that I don't have to worry about other people's feelings, it's just that I should just be myself around people and as long as I don't do anything intentionally then people should know that in general I am a fairly nice guy and that I don't mean to upset them. Just as I have the responsibility for how I choose to react to other people, they have the same responsibility towards me.

Here's something interesting, by constantly telling yourself that you're not doing something right you are in fact reinforcing that behaviour in yourself. By praising yourself when you've made even the smallest effort of change you're sending messages to your brain that this is the new way you want to react to that situation and thus new neural paths are formed. Crazy brains... ha...

Do not phrase changes you'd like to make in the following manner 'I will not...' Specifically get rid of the word 'not', it is apparently impossible to complete any goal phrased with the word 'not', because if you tell your brain not to do something that is the first thing it will do. I saw an example of that in 'The Happiness Trap', they wrote 'do not think of ice cream'... so what's the first thing you think of? :) If you rephrase these goals then they are much easier to achieve. Instead of 'I don't want to make life harder for people', 'I want to make life easier for people.' I've got a lot of goals to revise now, all of mine are phrased using some version of 'not'...

These are all little things you can do that make an enormous difference... they really are small things even if they feel giant. In one of my prior sessions I was taught not to use the word 'should' as in 'I should do...', using that word makes everything in your mind unconditional. 'If I don't do this I am a failure'...etc. There is always a choice, there are always multiple ways to approach situations. 'I really need to...or else...will happen' is okay, it specifies what may happen if it's not done...but doesn't it feel like there's far less pressure? You've told yourself that it's something you need to do, the brain comprehends and responds with the necessary reactions.

You're still going to have stress, stress is inevitable...all negative feelings are unavoidable. But there's more leeway for compromise if things don't work out. 'I should go to that party...' You don't really have to. 'I want to go to that party, but...' Consider the excuses your brain is telling you, maybe they aren't so crazy, maybe there's a legitimate reason why you don't feel like doing something. 'I should do the dishes.' ... 'I need to do the dishes.' We all have our limits for how much pressure we're putting on ourselves and if you list everything you need to do as a 'should' it's no wonder we overload, it makes doing the groceries as pressure filled as doing an assessment or visiting relatives.

There are lots of things we 'need' to do to get by and if we're lucky just as many things we 'want' to do to enjoy ourselves and so forth. There is absolutely NOTHING we 'should' or 'should not' do. There are things that would be wise not to do such as...making fun of drunk people in the valley. There are things that are morally wrong such as...setting fire to a nun. These are examples of things where you might say "I don't want to do this because it might result in unpleasantness or because I think it's wrong." My point is that in all of these situations you still have a choice, it's not so black and white as 'should' and 'should not'.

I've got a lot of thought processes that need revising, small things with huge effects I imagine. It could end up making me quite a different person really, less anxious around people, more confident in myself, prouder of myself! I would like to finish here, going to see my counselor in the morning at UQ, need some sleep. I'm looking forward to that as I'll be able to discuss some of this with her and also get used to travelling to the university again. I hope some of this is just as eye opening to others as it was to me. I'm nothing if not open-minded and a lot of it made sense to me. Night and love.

Andy Scott

Time For Caution.

2011-02-09T22:43:00.001+10:00

Having a piranha related film marathon...well there's only two, I should have got Piranha 3D as well. I'll save that for one of my film days at Pete's. Can't believe this second one is directed by James Cameron. Annnyways...was in quite a bad mood yesterday, not sure exactly why...tried to keep it under control though.

Sorry my ice cream has distracted me... Back soon. Mmm... Paused the film, need to get an entry in tonight. Yesterday... Oh yeah, Grisha gave me a call and asked if he and Tanzih could come over before he dropped Tanzih at a conference in the city. Hadn't seen him since he went to Perth and Tanzih since they went to Adelaide. Great time catching up on their trip... Not enough time though. But soon, I'm hoping Sunday we might do something.

Schedule has started getting packed again which is why I had a quiet one today. A nap, some more Wolf and Cub and the aforementioned Piranha films. The thought of everything that is coming up is making me a bit anxious. I've finally started feeling good again and I go jump straight back into full time study. I hope I made the right choice...

I can work on that with my PDoc tomorrow. I'm nervous about that too, I can't really remember what we were working on last session. I know he'll be cool about it, so we'll just have to repeat it. I think it was something along the lines of finding reasons to live. Yeah that sounds familiar.

Foot's all hood, hurts a little but no more limping. Random yet brief... Getting back into some activism again, got a rally this Saturday with Amnesty. An international day if action in support of the Egyptian protests. Gonna meet up with Carmen and Eliza afterwards I'm hoping. Will have to see if I can muster the energy and trust in the medication.

Better sleep so I can be well rested for my session. More positivity soon I hope. I'm just cautious right now and that's a good thing. I should be. Lots of love!

Andy Scott

Foot Hurty...

2011-02-07T21:14:00.001+10:00

Almost didn't post anything today... Just been over at Pete's, onto our fifth film now. We watched the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Machete, Day of the Dead, Supernova and now An American Werewolf in London. Nice day for it.

Wrote up the first few paragraphs of my be OkCupid profile too. Got a nice new piccie too. My foot is in a lot of pain today, I've done a good job keeping off it too. Heh... If it's hurting as bad tomorrow I may have to skip trivia. There's no way I can make that hill. It's not gout and it's not a sprain or anything. It'll be gone soon enough. Short one today... Easy on the brain. :) night then!

Andy Scott

Ground Rules For This Semester.

2011-02-06T21:00:00.001+10:00

Time for change today... I think enough time has passed since the flood anxiety for me to take another introspective look within. I've got to prepare myself for the next few months. I'm going from having a lot free time and little stress to studying full time. I need to get into the right mindset. So I think I'll write down a few rules I'd like to stick to in order to have a good time this semester.

1. Be organized. I don't necessarily have to start on all the assessments early, but I should know what I have to study, what readings need to be done and by when, when the assessment is due and how much time I need to allow myself in order to make these things happen. Outlook Express will be my best friend. :)

2. Don't get obsessed. Focus only on the work I have to do for the course. Try to avoid major involvement in other projects such as the Casual Activism vlog I started last time I was at uni. Reading news is okay, having discussions is okay, getting involved with basic activism like petitions and protests is okay. Getting too involved and thinking about it 24/7 is not healthy.

3. Take it seriously. Full time study is a full time job, it's said all the time and it's true. You've got to put the hours in and you've got to do the work. No skipping lectures because something is comes up or I'm feeling lazy. If I'm feeling really anxious it's okay if I stay home. I need to be enjoying it anyway, if it feels like a chore maybe it's not a subject I really find interesting. That's important to know because I'm only doing uni so I can get a career that's interesting. Otherwise I may as well skip uni and just find a job that pays the bills.

I think if I can keep those three rules in mind I'll be okay. At least in one subject I'll have Eliza there to keep me in line. I did well enough in that Religion & Media course because Leah was there. It just makes it easier to get to class if you know someone. But I have leaned some new people skills so maybe I'll be able to make some friends of my own too.

Speaking of which I decided I need to get back into trying to meet people on OKCupid. I've started rewriting my profile completely, obviously the one I've been using hadn't been giving people the right image which is a shame. I'm not going to give myself crap... I was fine in the emails I sent to people, they just weren't interested. So it's not something I'm doing wrong, just need to keep trying. Maybe I should finally try one of those pay sites as well...

All right, sleep time once again...Urgh. Going to Pete's tomorrow once again for the usual. New week, new goals. Night...

Andy Scott

One O' Them Days.

2011-02-05T05:18:00.000+10:00

Today got off to a slow start... An unpleasant nightmare involving chase and then torture. Again I say, I don't like the sleeping process very much... I'm feeling a little cabin fever I think, very much looking forward to getting out of the house later. Might stop writing now, not in the mood.

And then the day's kind of over... Robin came around and showed me how to use the software for Dungeons & Dragons. It's going to make things much easier, I can put everything into a flow chart and activate only the information I need at the time. More importantly I can write adaptations to the story and keep track of the battles.

The films I've been choosing lately for our b-movie sessions seem a little less on the entertaining side than usual. We watched the original version of The Fly from 1958 which I thought was going to be cheesy but it was actually quite suspenseful... with an ending that quite affected me if I'm honest.

We then watched Yor: Hunter of the Future, which was more like Bore: Hunter of the Tedium... So dull... and kind of confusing but I think that was mainly because I barely paid attention after a while. Ah well, I'm sure we'll get some good ones in soon. Probably going back tomorrow depending on moods. I'd really like to mess about with those D&D programs but of course I can do that throughout the week. Sleep time for me. Hugs.

Andy Scott

A Productive Week.

2011-02-04T21:27:00.001+10:00

Back on the train again on my way to Toowong. Centerlink and I have some business to take care of. What I'd like is to continue with the job seeking plan we had in place, but also switch to Austudy. I don't think that'll be an issue. Can never tell with a place like Centelink... Each department is so compartmentalized, you leave one and you may never hear from the former again. Good thing I'm a highly capable communicator...ha ha. More on that in the next paragraph.

Yup, turned out exactly as expected. Just had to show my ID and all was good. I asked about doing the job seeking and the response was as soon as I get out Austudy that will cancel everything else. I don think he understood that I actually wanted to do the job seeking. I'm sure I wrote the name of the place down in a past entry... If not I know I definitely mentioned it to my psychologist who said it was an excellent place for peoples like me. :)

I'm heading home now to chillax for the remainder of the day... Watch some more excellent yet violent japanese cinema of the 1970s. Earlier today I was given permission by Miso to edit articles on their website. That's so cool! I've already added some films that weren't in their database, now I can add things like synopses and so forth.

Haven't done much else over the rest of the day. Browsed the Amnesty website for petitions I hadn't signed yet. Got an SMS from Red Cross saying my blood donation was happening tomorrow but it was in a place I didn't know. I called to see if it was a mistake, it was but I've now got an appointment on the morning of valentines day. May as well do something useful that day. Ha ha...

Just been catching up on my music today, got through some Pearl Jam, The Who and Marilyn Manson albums I hadn't heard before all of which I enjoyed. Will sleep now to the sounds of Isis... Tomorrow Robin is coming over early afternoon to teach me how to use some software for dungeons and dragons so the next time I run the game it can be smoother. Probably spend the afternoon over at Pete's. Can't ask for better days than these I think, I've got it good lately. Hugs!

Andy Scott

As A Bee.

2011-02-03T20:36:00.000+10:00

Busy, busy, busy... Got a lot done today. I enrolled in two more subjects at UQ for this semester. A history of politics, which I enrolled in a year ago and seemed really interesting before I deferred for the year. I was going to study Musicology as a minor, but I think it might end up being too much of a hassle for something that is supposed to be there for enjoyment rather than for academic achievement. Something to use up the remaining courses I'm supposed to complete to get my degree.

To get in to Music I have to complete a prerequesite course because I didn't do music at high school. I also have to do a number of music courses that don't relate to musicology. What I'll do instead is use this blog to get the music out of my system every once in a while. I'm going to study film and television studies as a minor now. I know people are going to tell me that we dint just sit around and watch films and then discuss them. But it's more likely that will happen than any other course. Also I have plenty of film knowledge which should help me get through it fairly easily. Will give me time to get through the mountain of reading for politics.

I also submitted a claim for Austudy... I don't understand the point of doing an online claim if I still have to go into Centrelink. I don't even have to bring any documents or other forms, just have to show my ID... Like I didn't have to prove my identity when I submitted the online claim. Doesn't matter, I'll go into Centrelink tomorrow.

I made appointments to see my psychologist and also my counselor for next week. So things are almost back to normal, better than normal really. Like I was saying to Aki earlier... I haven't felt this good in over a year. Just need to maintain it, know when I'm being obsessive, no when I'm pushing myself too hard an know when I need a break and for how long. After this morning I've taken the rest of the day off lest I get stressed out.

I don't want to jinx things, but I've written the last five days in a row. The most I've written in ages! Again, this phone app is brilliant. Write an entry bit by bit throughout the day. I'm onto the third film in the Female Prisoner Scorpion series... They are fantastic! It's really put me in the mood for some more Japanese cinema. So I watched the first two films in the Lone Wolf and Cub series today as well. I know... I'm watching too many films... Ha ha...

I did take some breaks too, spread it out. Loved those films too. Inspired me to seek out the very large Zatoichi series, 26 films altogether not including the remakes. I've also decided to let some of my friends off the hook RE: Godzilla after noticing how bored they were this past weekend during Ghidorah. I'll watch them myself, those days watching films together should be mutually enjoyable, not only for me. From now on I'll pick cult and b-films that I'm sure they'll enjoy as much as me.

Sad news today as The White Stripes announced their break up... I didn't like them back in the early 2000s but over time they grew to be one of my favourite bands of the last decade, if not one of the most important. I see them one day become a classic like Zeppelin, Nirvana and The Stones. The question now is not if they'll get back together, but when? No predictions here. I hope Jack White will continue working with The Dead Weather and this might be the right time to finally listen to The Raconteurs whom everyone raves over.

So to end today's post here is The White Stripes with Icky Thump. Come back soon Jack and Meg...pleeeease?

Andy Scott

The Kind Of Day Worth Repeating.

2011-02-02T19:24:00.000+10:00

Had a dream rerun from a few years back... I'm stuck in this enormous shopping complex, which is almost like limbo. No one helps me because they're all a little insane. The dream can only end one way, I have to outwit the T-Rex that's blocking the exit.

I kind of like having the same dream more than once, there's a familiarity to it. Your dream self understands what is going on, not to the same extent you would if you were lucidly dreaming though. At the same time your state is manic as you can swear you've been through all of this before, which leads you to question reality.

I think I hate sleeping... There's very little about it I enjoy. There's the knowledge that one third of your life is spent unconscious...except that's not true, 100% of your life is spent conscious when you're asleep you cease to exist. Little pockets of unexistence once a day. If you're lucky you'll suddenly awake without incident, or you'll spend the entire period hallucinating wildly leaving me very anxious once I've woken up.

Life is confusing enough, let alone if you have to spend a third of the day experiencing strange delusions that shake your subconscious ideas of what is normal and what the mind can handle. Perhaps one of the reasons I have a lot of trouble sleeping... It frightens me. Reality I can handle, there are very fee surprises and things tend to stay where you left them.

I've decided I'm going to try and create a list in IMDB. It's one of the recently added features of the updated site. To easy to do a 'best of' list, so I'll use my knowledge of bad cinema to make something appropriate. Back soon with a link hopefully.

http://www.imdb.com/list/zxKeH7fmW0U/

There we go... I'm very happy with how that turned out. There aren't as many on the list as I'd have thought, but I've only just started! There's the option to add my own comments...haven't decided if I'll do it. It pleases me that people won't be able to tell the difference between the good bad films and the bad bad films. I'm watching the third film in the Class of Nuke 'Em High series... Troma... terrible films but you gotta love them... Sort of.

So sleepy, but I gotta stay awake until at least 8:30. Started on Female Prisoner Scorpion series from Japan... An oft quoted statement regarding the series is that it was an inspiration for Kill Bill. I can certainly see why the comparisons are made, I love the style too. It's very theatrical in its execution... Just as she is with hers. Japanese cinema is so underrated... I think that it's the fault of the Otaku fans out there... They've made it so any interest in Japan whatsoever makes you a fanboy. Ahh... can't really blame them, Japan kicks a lot of arse.

I think I'm going to have to have a little nap and I'll continue with the second film in the series later on. Nothing major planned for tomorrow either. Tanzih and Grisha are bot in Adelaide by now, they won't be back until next Monday. Might be going to Govinda's tomorrow night with some of the gang from Mindnet. Until next time then. Hugs.

Andy Scott

When It Rains... It Pours.

2011-02-01T21:08:00.003+10:00

Where'd the breeze go...it felt good as I left the house earlier. Must have something to do with Cyclone Yasi which is supposed to hit north Queensland this Thursday. They've already deemed the situation a national disaster web though it hasn't hit yet. Not sure how much more Queensland can take after January's floods... Just have to stay positive and hope for the best, also that it doesn't come near Brisbane.

On the way to trivia tonight, uber excited to get out on the town. Should probably be having a look at Wikipedia to see which famous people were born on this day...it's worth mega points! Didn't get up to too much earlier on, another good night of sleep, another day energized...I'm feeling positive baby! Played some Guitar Hero: Metallica with Steven...my vocals are almost shot from singing too much...that's the excuse I'm using for why I sound so terrible at the moment.

I almost decided to go into Amnesty's office in the valley. But decided I shouldn't push myself, I just started getting a good sleep pattern and I always push myself in those moments because I get too overconfident. Give it another week or so and see where I'm at. Have to start getting therapy back into schedule too. No money for my psych until next week, so I'll organize to see my counselor.

Fast forward a number of hours...our team cane first! Two things to note, Matt had a very slow day at work recently and went through IMDB coming with a list of 'quiz' puns of film titles...this week we were American Quiztory X, this will change each week. We were also joined by a guy named Phil from Perth who just happened to be at the pub and since he was by himself, we took him into our team. Really nice guy, same sense of humour and just happened to be an archaeologist like Robin. Hopefully he'll join us again next week.

I'd love to have that level of confidence to just go out and meet people randomly. I'm starting to develop those skills what with the meetup groups I've been attending, I'll get there hopefully. It's always been something I respect a lot, my Mum is an expert at it... we're at the bank yesterday and she's speaking with the teller as if they've been friends for years. Maybe they have, I don't keep track of it, but I assume they've not met before. What sort of personality traits are necessary I wonder... Is it courage, self confidence? A combination of the two and many others I expect. Besides I shouldn't pressure myself too much, as a person who suffers from anxiety it's just not one of the easiest things to master. Like a steak lover who has no teeth, the desire is there...but the tools are lacking.

I'm too tired now to ponder on it more, maybe I'll ask Mum about it and see if she can describe it to me. Not much planned for tomorrow, I'll get in touch with my psych, my doctor and my counselor and get those sessions back to normal. All in all I'm very content with the way things are right now, it's not the time to think of new things to do or achieve, I need to focus more on what's already on my plate. A lot of food analogies today... I'm not even hungry, perhaps that's just my talent... if you need something explained through food imagery I'm your man. Night then. Hugs!

Andy Scott

Foggy Ninja Monster Kings...Made A Lot Of Cents.

2011-01-31T20:35:00.000+10:00

Ended up with $25 from the bank today and it wasn't so bad when I had to sit down and the separate the coins into little baggies. Mum helped out since she had bank business of her own. She was quite surprised at how much I got, so she's going to take all her coins in too. Glad to see I can make that sort of inspiration.

I'm over at Pete's right now watching some American Ninja 2...it's not of a high quality, so in other words I love it. I'll be back later to comment a bit later.

Had a few good laughs there, the antagonists found a way to genetically recreate the abilities of ninjas through a serum they injected into kidnapped marines...yup. The best part is their compound was on...Blackbeard's Island...I searched google and there's no such place on the Carribean.

We're watching the beginning of the Star Wars Holiday Special again...no one should have to sit through it twice... I'll complain again in a moment...ha ha. Man it's horrible...the horror.

Phew...we stopped about the same point we got to last time. Now we're onto Ghidorah: King Of Monsters, part of the Godzilla universe. In this one Ghidorah comes to destroy Earth. Mothra is able to convince Godzilla and Rodan to team up. It's fairly average, not as good as past films...the silliness is starting to show. The special effects are getting much better though.

Getting sleepy now, watching the last film for the night, John Carpenter's The Fog. I've had a long tumultuous relationship with J.C. some I've loved like Dark Star and The Thing, others have just made me cringe. I have to admit I'm coming round to his side as of late. Need to sleep soon.

The verdict is in, nothing technically wrong with it...it was well made and all that, but it was kind of dull. It's a strange word to describe a film that involves a fog carrying hook wielding zombies...maybe it's just that it was over too quickly and I rarely say that. Too many unnecessary characters, not enough development for those characters, not much of a back story...maybe that's the book's fault, maybe it was aimed at an audience that wanted the action to happen in the first minute and story development can take a back seat as long as granny gets a hook to the face. Shame...but I will be watching another Carpenter film soonish, They Live and I've heard nothing but good things about it. Again...we'll see. Have to catch some sleep now, here are some of my choice albums from January. May February be a little calmer...not if this cyclone gets its way.

P.S. Mobile blogging makes this process sooooo much easier, just write a paragraph at a time at various points throughout the day. I know I've said this before, but maybe I can finally make a habit of it! ha ha...cue a week's break between entries.

Oceanic (2002) by Isis
Reveal (2001) by R.E.M.
Return To Fantasy (1975) by Uriah Heep
Tales From The Punchbowl (1995) by Primus
The White Stripes (1999) by The White Stripes
Von (1997) by Sigur Rós
Tremulant (2002) by The Mars Volta
Lick It Up (1983) by KISS
The Chainheart Machine (2000) by Soilwork
Loaded (1970) by The Velvet Underground
Crusader (1984) by Saxon
Matthew & Son (1967) by Cat Stevens
Sounding The Seventh Trumpet (2001) by Avenged Sevenfold
Night Life (1974) by Thin Lizzy
Three Imaginary Boys (1979) by The Cure
Yellow Submarine (1969) by The Beatles
The King Is Dead (2011) by The Decemberists
Traced In Air (2008) by Cynic
As The Palaces Burn (2003) by Lamb Of God
Binaural (2000) by Pearl Jam
Elysium (2011) by Stratovarius
Tomorrow Morning (2010) by Eels

Andy Scott

Mobile Blogging

2011-01-30T20:29:00.001+10:00

On the train right now and blogging, it's a dream come true though I have to put a lot of faith in autocomplete. I'm just off to West End to visit Carmen & Eliza for some lunch at an italian place. This is my first time out of the house in ages that doesn't involve trivia or goi to someone else's house who lives nearby.

Largely thanks to the 12 hours of sleep I had last night, I even woke up around 8am this morning. I'm not going to excited early and say the insomnia is over but fingers crossed. I actually feel great today, had some breakfast and feel refreshed and energetic...can't remember the last time. Didn't have to force myself our of the house and didn't consider piking due to fatigue. It's a good sign.

As long as I can keep to a schedule from today I should be able to keep it going. Who knows I might be able to do more work than I thought. Speaking of work, I enrolled in a subject at uni the other day: Ethnic Conflict and Nationalism. Eliza gave me a call and said she was going to it and asked if I'd be interested. It is within my degree and a subject matter I'm very interested in, so why not. Whether I do more au hectare this semester or not I haven't decided yet.

My disability pension was declined a week or so ago which sort of sucks. I am on Newstart right now and am not required to do any job seeking for another month or so. When that time cones they will put me in contact with a job seekers agency that specializes in finding work for people with mental health issues so I'm looking forward to that. Gonna have to pause here, just got to Roma Street...I'll finish off later.

Ahh...back home now, Tanzih ended up joining us as well...nice big lunch and an even bigger chat. Like I said before, I feel really good today and I'm making the most of it. Tanzih and Grisha have moved away to Boronia Heights in the last few weeks. I went out there last week and it's really nice, a little hard to get to but we're working through that. :) I'm going to try and get there once a week, just head to Darra on Friday and then catch a lift with Grisha. We all want to make sure we see about as much of each other as we have in the past.

Another slight issue in communication is that I no longer have a home phone. I'm going to try making the transition to Skype. I'll test their paid service and if it's okay I'll stick with it. Home phones aren't as necessary these days, though they're still the cheapest way to have long chats.

Yesterday was a bit exciting to as I tried my hands at being Dungeon Master in a game of D&D. For those who aren't familiar with the game, as DM I am a narrator, referee and make decisions for all the characters the other players encounter along the way. I was worried that I wouldn't be very good at it, but it was fine...no one had any complaints, they didn't seem bored and went along at a steady pace. I think I prefer being DM over being a player, but I'll have to see if it lasts. It's just that it tends to go on too long and I lose interest after 3 hours or so. We'll see...

Got to head out to Indro tomorrow to renew my debit card and I'm going to swap all my 5c and 10c pieces...it's a little embarrassing but I'm sick of having them around. Then some films at Pete's house, a whole new set actually. :) That's all from me. Night all.

Andy Scott

The Drowning City

2011-01-25T16:08:00.002+10:00

I feel like a major coward right now. I'm watching The Ring whilst blogging and this is how it looks from my chair...

Not totally a coward, the lights ARE off after all.

the smaller the window the smaller the terror right? That's what I'm going with... :) I've been watching plenty of horror lately. What makes this so different, maybe I've over hyped it to myself.

At least it's given me an opportunity to try out this blogging app that I've got on my phone. I just enlarged the window a little...not totally spineless. Don't watch that bloody tape you fools!!! Gah...

So it's fairly apparent I haven't updated for a very long time. It's just been one thing after another, which is usually the kind of thing a blogger wants. As for me...I've been a bit overwhelmed to say the least. I need a moment right now to read my last entry and to think about the events of the last three weeks.

Well let's begin with the elephant in the room. Brisbane just had it's worst flood in 36 years. In fact 75% of Queensland was under water. Not to mention all the other flooding that was happening around the rest of the country...a national tragedy is an understatement.

We had about a day to prepare and the anxiety set in especially as our area is quite close to the river and whilst our home wasn't flooded during the last big one, this one was supposed to be worse. Then the power went out. Almost immediately regretted not having battery powers fan...in fact I should really get one of those.

I was able to keep updates thanks to my phone and the wonderful civilian reporters in Facebook and twitter, that and the Queensland police. I think people are finally coming around in regards to social networking. So we just sat around and waited...there's not much else you can do.

I couldn't sleep, lying in bed in the dark, sweltering heat...no more Internet, no phone reception...with the knowledge that somewhere very close is rising water that may or may not engulf your house. But it didn't. The next day I made sure to bring a whole bunch of stuff up stairs.

My sister and Jay had to move in for a few days because their place in Chelmer was right next to the river and was in extreme danger of going under. Fortunately it didn't get to their apartment, but the garage flooded. They were very lucky. But on the day we just hung out unsure what would happen.

The water was meant to rise by another meter or so once high tide came. I went to Leah & robin's house with Pete, Mitch & Steven to hang out for a while and enjoy the cool breeze and Internet too. :)

Just finished The Ring and there was a whole lot of tension for such a small amount of horror. Of course I never know what my reaction would be if I watched it in one viewing, full screen with my undivided attention. Ha ha.

Returned home and continued the pow wow up stairs, at the very least the bonding was enjoyable. Then the electricity came back on and we all raced back to our respective rooms. Mainly to try and find out what the hell was going on! We no longer had toy think of ourselves as potential victims and so my attention became focused on the people that were hit...

Tragedy...that's the only word that suffices. As I scrolled through the photos and the news of what was happening not so far away I was heartbroken. Not just for the people, but for the city itself...the city was drowning and you couldn't help but anthropomorphize it. This the city I've spent most of my life was in danger and all you could do was watch and hope for the best... But Brisbane survived and so did it's people and now we have the monumental task of rebuilding.

I don't really feel like typing anything else and I'm interested to see what this article is going to look like once I press send. It's actually a lot easier blogging like this! I'll try and write sone more tomorrow about what's been happening. It's still a little overwhelming. Lots if love and be safe.

Andy Scott

2011 - An Odd Spacedy.

2011-01-01T08:48:00.002+10:00

The calendar clicks over to a new year and nothing blew up, I think we can all be satisfied with that...even if the floods in Queensland have now reached the size of Western Europe...let's ignore that little portent. I thought I'd get up a little early today and do something productive, is this productive? I could just be watching more Mitchell and Webb. As I said yesterday, I want to build on my enthusiasm levels which aren't exactly at record highs. So let's see how determined I am to actually do any of that.

Had a really nice day yesterday, even if very little of what eventuated went with our previous plans. The four of us, myself, Tanzih, Tamara & Grisha went to Indooroopilly mid-afternoon for some cafe action where we bumped into Choiti who also joined. Then went up to Event to see Gulliver's Travels...it was thoroughly average, a few hearty laughs here and there, charming yet forgettable. Great performance from Chris O'Dowd from The IT Crowd, he seems to be latching onto the mainstream quite successfully. Classic Jack Black performance, the type of thing you'd expect from him. I wonder if he's getting bored of it, he kinda gave that vibe...like "I'm not really into this anymore...g-g-g-aaat-g-goo." I got the same vibe from Billy Connolly whom was also in it.

Afterward I got to try out the new sushi train at Indro which was...mmmmmm! A little on the expensive side, but you've got to expect that with sushi. I will returneth. I was mentally preparing myself for a short nap back at their place when we found out that Manda wasn't going to be at her own party anymore, some sort of in-house fallout which is a shame for her. Don't really know much about what happened, but we sure as hell weren't going to go to the party if we didn't know anyone else there. I was really looking forward to meeting some new people, but you need that link, that in between person that can introduce you. We passed on the news to Carmen and David, they quickly made other plans. We ran through a couple of ideas, but ultimately decided the nicest thing we could do was buy a crap load of food and venture back to my place for a chilled out evening of Guitar Hero and DVDs.

So that's what the four of us did, hung out for a few hours then went up the hill near my old house in Corinda to get a good view of the city and watched the fireworks waving sparklers enthusiastically. We spoke a little about what we thought of 2010 and tried not to make too many resolutions, because the terrible thing about resolutions is you have to keep them...or feel guilty for a long time. Tanzih and Grisha went home, Tamara too tired to move crashed here...trying not to type too loudly as it might disturb her peaceful slumber. I hurt myself on the couch somehow, pulled a muscle in my leg...it were agony, I thought the tendon was going to snap. I've got a bit of a limp, which is a 'lame' way to start the year. *badoomch* Tanzih and Grisha will be back later this morning to pick us up and we'll just hang out again today. I'm looking forward to that.

Okay well, that's a sufficient enough blog to start the year. It's good to get one in on the first day so I can look back a year from now hopefully with the following thought "2011 was absolutely brilliant, it's funny to see how little I knew of what was going to take place back on January the 1st. Won't Andy of the past be pleasantly surprised." That's fairly positive right? I can live with that. All right people, let's get on with the new year and try and make it the best one yet. Hugs and love all around!

Andy Scott

I Think I'm Going To Be Okay.

2010-12-31T06:57:00.000+10:00

And so 2010 draws to a close. I know that there is literally no difference between today and tomorrow, but the symbolic significance of starting a new year really does give the effect of a clean slate. I've been trying to think about how the year has affected me and in what ways all morning. The year got off to a promising start, but I pushed myself far too hard and had a sort of breakdown. By the time uni started again in March I was completely worn out and had to defer which was a major blow to my self esteem, considering how successful the second half of 2009 had been. It's been a long struggle ever since then, my depression reached new lows and it felt as if all the coping techniques I'd learned over the past year had suddenly become ineffective.

At least I was able to keep myself from drinking and smoking again. But I started feeling highly suicidal once again and knew that I had to do something about it. So I started seeing a counselor at UQ regularly and that did help to draw me back from the brink...though it was still in sight. At the same time I stopped receiving Centrelink payments because I wasn't studying and couldn't handle job seeking. Luckily Dad was starting a new project and offered me some casual work, enough to keep me afloat. After a couple of months I finally gave in to the idea of going on anti-depressants, went to the GP and started on the chill pills. After the awful side effects dissipated I did feel much better for the first time in many months. That combined with the work I was doing for Dad made me feel as if I was accomplishing a lot and that my life was pretty much where I wanted it to be.

Through therapy I've been able to lower my levels of expectation for myself and life. To accept my limitations not as a hurdle, but more like a forked road where one path is blocked. The two roads may lead to the same place, but for me I have to take a different route and if I don't end up where I'd originally desired then I just have to accept that and change those desires. That's probably the greatest lesson I've learned this year and I've been able to associate that with a lot of the decisions I've been making. I have to make my limitations work for me, not against me. If that means taking a less traditional approach then that's just what I have to do.

With that in mind I started thinking about what I wanted out of life, not massive goals, just smaller more achievable ones that would grant me greater happiness. I decided that I'm happy where I'm living, the rent is low, my room mates are all right and having my parents up stairs is not a sign of failure at being independent either. I do all my cooking, cleaning, the only reason I ever go up stairs to see them is just to hang out. If I were living else where my life would be exactly the same, except I'd be paying more rent and I'd be further away from my family whom I enjoy hanging out with. Now if I lived up stairs in the same area as them then that would be a problem, I don't think I'd like that.

I don't need much money, a couple of hundred a week is enough to keep me going stress free. Sure it sucks if I can't buy things, but overall I just like having all this freedom to do what I like when I like. I can nap when I want, eat when I want, I don't have many appointments. Of course I'd like to have a bit of work in the future when I'm feeling a bit better, but for now this aspect of my life is awesome. I don't have to spend 30 - 50 hours a week going somewhere I hate just so I can buy a few more albums a week or save up for that one holiday I take per year. That sounds horrible... Within the next few months I can see myself doing about 1 day a week somewhere, I'm going to be referred to a job agency that helps people with mental health issues. I'm looking forward to that. On that note, people give Centrelink so much flack, but they've been nothing but fucking awesome helping me out these past couple of years.

Pretty much I decided that I could start taking it easier, stop putting so much pressure on myself. I'm never going to be the person that I used to want to be. I might become a fraction of that person and I'm cool with that now. Let me make that a bit clearer. Instead of getting obsessed with something, such as I did with activism earlier this year and numerous other things, just enjoy things casually. It's important to find things that you enjoy, but if you take those things to the extreme then it just becomes unhealthy. Being that I have a highly addictive personality I just have to pay more attention to what I'm doing. When my brain or body starts to strain I must stop and do something else. Its easier said than done, but I have made great strides in that area. Instead of getting obsessed and breaking down I can just relax more and enjoy what I have, spend more time with friends and family instead of working on endless endeavours of passion.

Friendships has been one of the bigger focuses of 2010, developing stronger relationships with people, making new friends, weeding out the negative ones whom I no longer want around me and paying attention to my behaviour to treat people the way I want to be treated. That last one is still the hardest...I just can't control myself sometimes, then I say and do stupid or mean things...but I have gotten better at it, at least I've started apologizing for it. ha ha. I'll continue to work at it, I love that I can talk openly with my friends now and that they have started doing the same. There's less superficiality, we're not just friends for entertainment purposes or for a way to kill time...

I've also started reaching out to meet new people, especially with the Mindnet support group I started attending 3-4 months ago. Through that group I've made a large number of new acquaintances that I hope will become great friendships in time. Instead of shying away from people, I've changed my attitude to be more welcoming and friendlier. To worry less about what they might think about me and just take a risk. It's not going to work every time, but people do seem to enjoy talking to me, it's mutual.

I'm not going to go over my resolutions from this year...I wrote them in a different mindset, even though they are goals I would still like to achieve and in a lot of cases I actually have already achieved them. In 2011 I simply want to continue doing what I'm doing. I think I'm almost at the stage when I can begin adding a bit more responsibility to my life, but I'm not too bothered about it. I would like to take 1 or 2 subjects in March, still studying Political Science and as I said earlier I would like to work at least 1 day a week, whether it's some volunteer position or paid work.

I want to continue with my therapy and medical treatment, I need to work more on my coping techniques. I also need to be more organized and motivated about it, it's not the sort of thing that can be put off till the last moment i.e. before a psych session. There's no point pretending like I've been doing all the work, all that does is make my psych, GP and counselor think I'm in a better state than I really am. That's counter productive...self betterment is just such a hard thing to do even when you have as much free time as I do, it just always feels like I've got no time for it...

So I'm happy with the progress I've made...I'm still alive, a little bit happier, a little bit healthier...I've reached the end of the year in a better state than I entered it and if you can make that claim then you've had a successful year all in all. That's enough about all of that. Got to go get ready, then head over to Tanzih's to meet her and Tamara. We'll hang out for the afternoon until Grisha gets home, meet up with David and Carmen and we're off to Manda's new year's party. Fun! :D Okay, see you all in the new year. Here are the albums I listened to in December. Lots of love!

Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers (2002) by The National
The More Things Change (1997) by Machine Head
Ten Thousand Fists (2005) by Disturbed
Wretch (1991) by Kyuss
White Pony (2000) by Deftones
All That You Can't Leave Behind (2000) by U2
Golden Age Of Grotesque (2003) by Marilyn Manson
Antics (2004) by Interpol
Life Is Killing Me (2003) by Type O Negative
Eclipse (2006) by Amorphis
My Arms,Your Hearse (1998) by Opeth
The System Has Failed (2004) by Megadeth
Sehnsucht (1997) by Rammstein
Volta (2007) by Björk
Some Time In New York (1972) by John Lennon
Bad (1987) by Michael Jackson
1916 (1991) by Motörhead
Check Your Head (1992) by Beastie Boys
Demon Days (2005) by Gorillaz
Revolver (1966) by The Beatles
Too Old To Rock N' Roll, Too Young To Die (1976) by Jethro Tull
Souls Of Black (1990) by Testament
Trash (1989) by Alice Cooper
You Can't Stop Rock N' Roll (1983) by Twisted Sister
Washing Machine (1995) by Sonic Youth
Frozen (1998) by Sentenced
Ember To Inferno (2003) by Trivium
Powertrip (1998) by Monster Magnet

Andy Scott

Post-Xmas Lethargy.

2010-12-27T05:38:00.000+10:00

Well I've made it through Christmas, exhausted, stuffed and slightly lumpier. Had a fantastic time overall, didn't manage to get any sleep on Christmas Eve, which I suppose is nothing abnormal...if I were 6. Slept most of the day before, so just had to wait it out. Steven (whom was also awake) and I played Guitar Hero for a while until it was time to head up stairs to greet everyone and get the presents out of the way. T'was a good haul this year, bunch of clothes I picked out a few months ago, a new wallet, some cash, iTunes card, massage voucher and Paper Mario for the Wii. I scored big time and everyone was happy with the gifts I got for them. My brain wasn't working throughout the night so I didn't have the mental stamina to write a letter to everyone...I figure they wouldn't mind too much.

I'm just finishing off Into The Wild right now, it's a good film...but, it's this romanticist view of abandoning all aspects of society that kind of irks me. If he'd wanted to be a survivalist, making a living off the land I wouldn't have a problem. But he just seemed to have this naive approach to nature, that if he were positive and passionate then nature would provide... My hunch is that he was a deeply depressed individual, but also in denial, that his adventures were really a drawn out suicide attempt. Let's see how long I can stay alive, I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts and when the wild inevitably kills me that's okay. I can certainly understand that urge to give up, it can be completely overwhelming, but if I had been in his position there were a number of times when I would have said 'this would be a nice place to stop for a while, I feel content here'. I guess I can't understand what it was he was looking for.

Anywho, Boxing Day was a blur...woke up around 7pm and missed out on the Mindnet meet up...ah wells. Later on today I'm heading over to Tanzih's to meet her, Grisha and Tamara. We'll go to Carmen's and have some dinner at a restaurant nearby, Eliza should be there too...depends on how bothered she is I suppose, ha ha. Gonna crash at Tanzih's and then head to the coast tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to the next week or so, it's jam packed and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm in one of those moments where I just can't seem to work up much enthusiasm to watch any films or TV shows, these moments usually last for a week or so. It'll give me some time to recharge, I might play some more Wii in the mean time...I'm loving having a console around the house, it's been a long term goal of mine. Really not much else to say...hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. As for me, I'm off...

Andy Scott

Christmas Eve 2010

2010-12-24T23:17:00.000+10:00

Craziest time of year hey, feels like I haven't had a spare moment to write something here...I'm sure there were though. Merry Christmas! I did all my shoppings and have most things wrapped, at least all the stuff that's under the tree for my family. There'll be Me, Chris, Steven, Amanda, Mum & Dad, then Jay, Nanna and my aunt Suzanne. Probably the most people that's been around for one of our Christmases for a while now. I decided that instead of buying Christmas cards I was going to write a letter to each person letting them know how much I appreciate them, I think that would be a nice thing to receive. Though I've only written Peter's because I had to give it to him this afternoon before he went down south to Lismore to be with Mitch and his family. I'm going to be up most of the night anyways, so I'll have plenty of time to write up the rest of the letters.

I bought myself a really nice present earlier this week, received some money from Centrelink, a back payment for the last two months. I went on a smallish iTunes frenzy, made a dent in my wish list, heh. I went with Peter to JB a day or two later and bought myself a new 32" Panasonic TV and a Nintendo Wii, which came with Wii Sports and Wii Resort. I also picked up Guitar Hero 5 and Mario Kart, I sort of counted all of this as a present for my brothers as well whom so far have been going crazy on it. Checked the usage message on the Wii and Steven's been on it for at least 13 hours of the last 24, wow! I borrowed a couple of games and controllers from Pete whilst he's down south so we can have a bit of a family session tomorrow on Mario Party or something.

Just looked to see when my last entry was so I could think about what's happened since then...10 days, okay. Last weekend I was Rachel's house with the Mindnet gang having another epic Singstar session which lasted at least 8 hours. It's such a fun way to spend a day, well as long as you're with people who enjoy singing which they are...I've been noticing that people with depression seem to be less self-conscious in some ways...but of course VERY self-conscious in others. We've got a coffee club meet up on Boxing Day and another on New Years Day, I'll try and get to both.

I don't I'll be getting the disability pension this time, but I've manged to make myself feel okay about that. I was with my psychologist earlier this week and he'd been talking to the woman from Centrelink whom interviewed me last week and said that the current opinion is that I haven't been seeing my currents docs for long enough to give a proper opinion of my state. So it seems like I'll be on Newstart for now and for the next three months at least I have no responsibilities at Centrelink. My doctor can also keep extending that date as well. Then in six months apply for the pension again. There's a very high chance that this is what will happen, but even so it's not definite until I hear from Centrelink themselves in the middle of January. Who knows, I mean mental health issues are very much in the spotlight at the moment in regard to the lack of support from the government, so I might end up getting the pension because of the government trying to raise its image. You never know, ha ha. Right now I put my chances at 95% for not getting the pension.

That's okay, as long as I don't have to search for jobs or anything right now. I'm not ready for that yet, though I have started feeling a lot better, perhaps because of the medication. Then again it might just be that being Christmas time and I just got a large chunk of money that I'm just naturally happy right now. Either way I'm making the most of this period of positive feelings and having myself a great time.

Next few days are going to be brilliant and packed full of eventfulness. Obviously tomorrow is Christmas, Mindnet on Sunday. Monday gonna do presents with Tanzih, Grisha and Tamara who's up from Sydney then we go to dinners with Carmen & David too. Tuesday we'll all be driving down the coast to visit Kerry! We were going to go camping, but it proved a little difficult so we'll just go to the beach and chill out. Hopefully a film marathon with Pete, Mitch, Leah and Robin on the Wednesday and/or Thursday. Then new years eve at Panda's house which is going to be enormous by the sounds of it...and also crazy. That's exactly the way I want to start the year, out socializing, going a bit nuts and enjoying life.

Haven't decided on any resolutions yet, in fact I should probably have a look back at the ones I made this year and see how I did. I'll do that in a few days though. Now isn't time for work, now is time to have fun. So I think I'll leave it there, still a lot to talk about. But now doesn't seem like an appropriate time. Merry Xmas again everyone, I love you all very, very much! *muah*

Andy Scott

Putting My Faith In The System.

2010-12-15T07:37:00.010+10:00

Gonna be a two parter today... one of those days. I've got my appointment at Centrelink this morning for them to assess my capability for work and whether I'm eligible for the disability pension... I was going to wake up at 8am, but ended up up at 5:30am...just too nervous to sleep right now. Although a nap would be awesome...can't risk over sleeping, so just have to kill a bit of time. eep... I'm trying hard to convince myself that there's a good chance, after all I wouldn't have made it this far other wise. The best evidence I feel is what's already on the Centrelink system, several years on Austudy and Newstart on record. Doctor's certificate makes things more official and I suppose I'm going to have to go through a generic history of the last few years to really belt it home.

It's kind of a strange feeling, working this hard to prove how much I can't work...well I suppose I didn't really have to work that hard. A couple of forms, a few appointments...mostly it was just the stress and worry that's made it so difficult. I'm paranoid I'm going to forget something, but when they called yesterday to remind me of the appointment I asked if I needed anything and they said 'no.' So I'll just take them at their word... I really don't want to think about what'll happen if I don't get this. Mum and Dad say they're happy to support me for now, but I know they can't afford it. I'd just have to go back on a different payment...look for a job or something. No point thinking about that now, must stay positive. Starting to feel really anxious right now actually, maybe that'll help if they can see me at my worst.

In happier news tonight will be the final pub trivia event of the year, with a $300+ prize. It's likely to be mostly Christmas related trivia so I'll be hitting the Wikipedia site a bit later on to soak up the knowledge. A share of that cash would really help me buy the rest of the Christmas presents I need to get. Bloody medication and bills have been eating up all my monies. The meds cost me around $80 last week...and that will go up because I'm definitely going to be going on a higher dose. When you're on the pension you get a card that apparently makes all medication cost $5...I really need that. All these medical bills add up. So I'll be playing with Leah, Robert and Matt tonight which will be great. :)

Had a really great weekend, went around to Tanzih & Grisha's in the evening on Saturday as she's been having some issues at work and really needs the support right now. I think she's on the verge of making some big life changes which are going to be very emotional but also potentially very rewarding. I crashed the night since we were all going to be heading over to Carmen & David's in the morning for Carmen's birthday brunch. I have to say that David did an amazing job preparing it for Carmen, he went all out, very sweet of him. There was miso soup, various antipasto, croissants, sausages, mushrooms in animal fat and I'm probably forgetting some stuff. Carmen was in a bit of a poor state having been to two Christmas parties in a row. Apparently David was worried about her and was about to head out to find her around 4am and found her asleep on the couch on the front porch. She can't remember how she got home either, heh. Well we've all had nights like that I guess.

So she was fairly hung over and lay down quite a bit which is understandable, she's aging and with age comes the paaaain. Very awesomely some of those guys made fresh sushi as well and it was fuuuucking delicious...oh my god... I was saying to Tanzih & Grisha I always feel so unsophisticated heading around there, they're all well versed in the culinary arts and just have a knack for it. Meanwhile I've been eating sausages every day for the last 2 months...ha ha. Ah wells, I love eating that food but if I could be bothered then I'd be making it myself. We left early afternoon after a lot of friendly chats with everyone, met some new people, played with the cat for a while and went home to sleep it off.

Just over an hour until I have to leave... Had a bit of fun yesterday as well, usual movie day at Pete's with the grumbly one, Leah and Mitch. Got through Space Truckers, a little known Dennis Hopper sci-fi from the mid 1990s...little known for a reason, though I did have some hearty chuckles at the lameness. I won't let it alter my memory of the man too much, everyone's got a dud in their filmography somewhere... Finally saw The Human Centipede as well, I was actually nervous through the opening scenes but that soon passed as I found out it hadn't lived up to its reputation. But I suspect it's because I and a few others have been talking about this film at length for many months now, must have just become desensitized to the whole thing. Though there were a few moments when I cringed. Capped the night off with My Little Pony: The Movie, I chose it after having read the review from Badmovies.org. It wasn't nearly as bad as the review made it out to be, but that doesn't mean I didn't have a terrible time watching it. All in all a great day of bad movies.

Okay I think it's time for an intermission whilst I get dressed and nervously make my way to Toowong...ahh the anxiousness is coming back again. At least I distracted myself for a short while. I'll continue this a bit later, although for you it will seem like no time has passed at all!

Okay...it's the next day, I was exhausted. :) I'm not entirely sure how the Centrelink appointment went... whilst I feel I certainly made my case, there was something that worked against my favour... because I've worked really hard to build up a great support network the Centrelink assessor kept asking whether I thought I'd be fine within the next year. It's something that's possible of course, maybe the medication will work, maybe the therapy will work wonders as well and in a few months I'll be functioning far better than ever before. That is a possibility, but there's always the chance that doesn't happen either and if it doesn't happen I'd rather have the pension there to support me rather than the Newstart allowance which most certainly has an expiry date. I suppose I'll just have to accept whatever decision they give...which will be about six weeks from now. I just don't think I'm going to get it, even though part of me is hopeful and will inevitably be crushed.

It's all about the waiting now, I don't even know when I'll start receiving payments. My guess is it'll be a few days...I'd really like it to be before Christmas. I guess it just seems a strange idea for them to not give me the pension because of something that might happen several months from now. What if they used that same logic for other payments, 'sorry, no Newstart for you because we expect you will have a job a few months from now' or 'we can't give you Youth Allowance because you won't be what we consider young in a couple of years.' If you were basing the decision on my current state of mind then there's be no doubt I need it. If I decide later that I want to get off the pension then I will.

Fantastic night out at trivia, despite the constant calling me a 'traitor' from my Mindnet acquaintances, which did hurt a little by the end of the night. Technically even if I was a traitor, I betrayed my old team first by going to play with them. Anyways! We did brilliantly, got very few questions wrong, not so well on the bonus points and we ended up coming...2nd! We lost by half a bloody point, gah! The $300 went to another team...ah wells, we wong a $50 voucher which we used to buy desserts which were definitely tasty. Trivia doesn't begin again until the 18th of January, that's so far...

I'm having a rest day today, planning some future things though. Going to go on a little camping trip a few days after Christmas to Springbrook with Tanzih, Grisha, Kerry and Chris. We'll stay one night, get our tents up and bask in nature and fudge. Haven't seen Kerry in years and we only really just started getting to knwo each other over the last few months and she is very cool. Trying to organize some stuff with Eliza as well, very hard to get a hold of her, she basically has no online presence at all which is kind of rare these days. Most people have facebook, some sort of chat program like MSN and even at least check their emails once a day. At least she has a mobile that she sometimes answers ha ha.

Right, that's it for me. I'm going to watch season 5 of Dexter today, keep going with the love/hate relationship I have for the show. Season 4 made up for a lot of disappointment, let's see if it keeps up with season 5 now that John Lithgow has gone. I hope it's the last season though, I haven't checked because then it would kind of spoil the plot a bit. I'll just wait a bit and find out. Okay then off we go for a bit of suburban violence.

Andy Scott

Gone Fishin'!

2010-12-08T07:46:00.050+10:00

I wasn't in the greatest condition last week, fatigued, sleeping most of the time and extremely stressed. But I managed to get off my arse to see my counselor at UQ and had a really good vent. We were able to sort a few things out much to my relief. For starters I need to communicate to my psychologist to take things a bit slower, it's too much right now and I can see the future very clearly... The homework begins to pile up, causing panic and stress until it reaches the point where I stop going to see him. Change is a very stressful thing for the mind. Even though there's a lot of unpleasantness involved with depression, it still makes me feel comfortable because it's all I know. It's not as if I want to be depressed, it's just familiar and in some ways comforting. Plus it's become a major aspect of my identity in recent months.

We both decided that I needed to take a vacation and since money is scarce I'd just have to create a vacation-esque environment at home. Which is exactly fairly easy to do I discovered. First you decide on a start and finish date and then ignore all your responsibilities and chores. For me I just wanted a few days to myself at home, so I canceled all plans I had to go outside with the exception of grocery shopping that is. It was very relaxing and I found that as long as I kept reminding myself not to worry about anything until this past Monday it stayed relaxing. Whilst I'm not as stressed as I was this time last week, I can feel that tension creeping back in. So I want to try and make that a regular thing, maybe organize one or two days every week to just calm down and gain enough energy to make it through the rest of the week.

It's a bit quiet right now in terms of things happening. Last night we had a massive team at trivia, which made me feel quite anxious. The fortnightly meetings at Coffee Club have a lot more people too, but you usually sit within a small group and just chat. There were just too many people for me to feel comfortable and of course that's something that will probably change over time as I get more and more used to it. But I didn't really have a good time yesterday. Next week I'm going back to hang out with Leah, Robert and Matt for the last trivia of the year.

Next week I'm going to my appointment with the assessor at Centrelink to determine whether I can get on the disability pension. I'm quite worried about it, this is type of situation where there is always one tiny, little, teensy problem that fucks the whole thing up. It's always something unpredictable as well so I can't prepare. Once I'm on the pension I can worry a lot less about money for a while. Then I can focus on all the other stuff, like medication...which isn't too bad, it hasn't kicked in yet, but I think it's only been about two weeks. Efexor is supposed to have a stimulating effect, but instead it's the opposite on me...so I'll just have to wait until next Monday when I see my GP next.

I've been looking at uni courses for next semester and there are a few candidates in the political science department, including one which would allow me to do the entire subject from home...ooh yeah! I'll probably only do 2 subjects, because I think if I study full time it interferes with the pension. More on this soon. That's about all really, I'm just trying really hard to keep calm and not stress so much. As long as I keep everything in focus and worry about one thing at a time I'm sure it'll start getting a bit better. Talk soon!

Andy Scott

Out Of Order.

2010-11-30T20:24:00.001+10:00

Been out of commission this past week, mostly because I have to get adjusted to the new medication...which isn't too fun. I woke up around 4am today and could barely use my brain, I managed a little time on the computer. Tried to get back to sleep, ended up lying on the couch for two hours just listening to music. That's how it was for most of the day, I couldn't even work up enough energy to go to the shops. I resorted to asking Mum to cook a little extra dinner, haven't done that in years. Sadly I had to cancel my appearance at trivia, I hate canceling stuff so much... Especially as I just found out that my team came first, really wish I could be there to celebrate with them. :(

I went up to 225mg of Efexor on Monday, which would explain quite well why I am the way I am today. It's a pretty high dose. Another two weeks and I should be all right, hopefully I won't have to cancel anything else, I apologize in advance. Got some great things coming up as well. Blair's having a farewell thingy on Thursday before he goes to Europe for two months. Friday is Hug a Metalhead Day. Saturday is Tanzih's concert, she and some other guitar students will be performing Wish You Were Here. Saturday night is the next Mindnet meeting. I really want to distract myself from the med side-effects and also the wait until I get to see the Centrelink assessor, which should both be taken care of at the same time roughly.

I've had increased levels of depression and anxiety as well this past week, which is to be expected. Yesterday I went to visit both my Psych and my new GP. At the GPs I was gripping to the chair with all my strength and pressing my head against the wall quite firmly, a few times I thought I was going to go through the wall. Not pleasant. But at least both visits went well, Graeme, my psych is taking me through the inner workings of the brain, revealing the frustrating truths of that troublesome pink blob. He uses cognitive therapy, which obviously I'm acquainted with, but it's far more in depth than the course I did through Centrelink. I'm relearning some old skills whilst learning a lot of new information. Just got to make sure I don't get obsessed like last time and try to repair every single aspect of my being.

GP appointment was brief, checking up on side-effects, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm par for the course thus far. Great weekend I had, on Saturday I went to a Mindnet member's house with a bunch of peoples and we played Singstar for something like 8 hours. Didn't get home until 1am. Had some really lovely chats too, the woman who's house it was had only just recently joined the group and hadn't really talked about her issues before, so it was pleasant watching her become more comfortable with talking about depression. We're going to have another karaoke party next month. Speaking of karaoke I joined another meet up group specifically for karaoke, it's still fairly new, but I aim to go to the next meeting. I also joined a group for atheists in Brisbane. So I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people in the upcoming months. I'm really becoming much more confident talking to people, still a long way to go though. Can't believe I used to think I was a terrible conversationalist...so not true.

Had a small lunch time celebration for Chris and Steven on Sunday, the whole family was there including Nanna and Jay. We did take-away, so much easier. Though we still got Mum's awesome cheesecake...mmm. I napped pretty hard! Later on I went around to Pete's to watch a couple of films. Apart from that I've just been at home recuperating, trying to get back my strength. I had some real down moments this months, but on the bright side I've made a number of great new friends and am now getting some excellent professional help from people I trust...maybe not entirely though, that last GP really made me paranoid now. This therapy is really intense, well it's not really, that's just in my mind. Maybe that's what is making me exhausted, well it's probably a contributing factor. Part of me is terrified to keep going with it...but I will force myself to continue. I'm seeing my counselor on Thursday, so I'll vent to her about it. That's why it's useful for me to keep that relationship going.

Okay well here are the albums I got through this month:

Horn Of Plenty (2004) by Grizzly Bear
Enemies Of Reality (2003) by Nevermore
On Every Street (1991) by Dire Straits
F♯A♯∞ (1997) by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Seventeen Seconds (1980) by The Cure
Stadium Arcadium (2006) by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Yield (1998) by Pearl Jam
Deep Purple (1969) by Deep Purple
Hot Space (1982) by Queen
Fistful Of Metal (1984) by Anthrax
In A Priest Driven Ambulance (1990) by The Flaming Lips
Mardi Gras (1972) by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Power And The Glory (1983) by Saxon
Powerage (1978) by AC/DC
Tribe (2003) by Queensrÿche
The Last Command (1985) by W.A.S.P.
Year Zero (2007) by Nine Inch Nails
California (1999) by Mr. Bungle
Alien (2005) by Strapping Young Lad
Digimortal (2001) by Fear Factory
Dear Science (2008) by TV On The Radio
Surrounded By Thieves (2002) by High On Fire
Queens Of The Stone Age (1998) by Queens Of The Stone Age
The Colour And The Shape (1997) by Foo Fighters
This Godless Endeavor (2005) by Nevermore
Touched By The Crimson King (2005) by Demons & Wizards
Ur Jordens Djup (2007) by Finntroll
Flush The Fashion (1980) by Alice Cooper
Gorillaz (2001) by Gorillaz
From Her To Eternity (1984) by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Hotel California (1976) by Eagles
New Masters (1967) by Cat Stevens

Ha ha, this entry has drained me a bit...urgh...it'll be over soon. Just got to get a lot of rest and stay as positive as I can. See you all in December! Lots of love...

Andy Scott

Socialist Butterfly.

2010-11-24T00:25:00.036+10:00

A fine day, watching some more of The Brak Show, an excellent recommendation from Kerry. He so funnneee... I went to see Skyline with Alex earlier on and it wasn't too bad, definitely a b-film, it had many of the necessary requirements. But it had some great action scenes and it looked fantastic, so I got what I came for. It had several moments that not even I could defend though, which I won't spoil here. It must be ages since I went to the cinemas though, they got rid of the automatic discount for UQ students, you had to have a special card or pay $13...that is not the student discount I've become accustomed to, no sir. I'd rather just wait until it comes out on DVD. Alex and I hung out for a bit afterward, cruising around, Coffee Club gave me an Iced Mocha instead of Iced Chocolate...and if that's the caliber of terrible things for the day I'm doing quite well. I really don't like the taste of coffee...

Met up with Leah a bit later and just chilled for a bit. The new meds seem to be going all right, I've been a little nauseous, especially when driving around today. I think it's going to be fine... I went to Centrelink yesterday and submitted all my forms, the lady there isn't in charge of the application though. She collects the info and passes it on. I will be meeting with an assessor in about three weeks so they can determine just how capable I am to work or study. Then it's about another 50 days after that or something, so it quite a long process, but they do need to be certain. In the mean time they will be putting me on Newstart allowance, except I don't have to look for work. I'm not sure if that's going to start soon or if that comes in after I meet with the assessor. I guess my parents will just have to last a few more weeks.

Had a brilliant time at trivia last night as well, we managed to get nearly 10 people this week. A few of whom I'd never met before and this was their first contact with the Mindnet group in person. If we end up having similar numbers or more next week we might split into two teams. We've organized to have a Singstar party this Saturday afternoon at one of the people's house, she apparently has like 20 discs, I've seen the list of songs. Having quite the social life lately. Gonna have a day of rest tomorrow, though Eliza said she might drop over in the evening to say 'hey'. Right on... Seeee ya!

Andy Scott

Welcome To Club Med.

2010-11-22T22:27:00.000+10:00

I've been very cautious around myself today, treated myself like one of those bombs you have to whisper around otherwise it may go off at any moment. I stopped taking my Cipramil today after reducing it over the last week. Hard to say how I'm feeling, I think it takes more than one day for the effects to become more obvious. But I the vaguest sensation of standing on the edge of a roof upon a massive skyscraper, if I were to look down I might faint. I've got the tinglies too, the skin tinglies. Ooh, I think I just got nauseous from thinking about it. Back away from the ledge Andy... Deep breaths.

I went to see my new GP earlier today, I was expecting to have to go through a more comprehensive retelling of my mental history. But that wasn't what eventuated, I merely reported many of the brief details from our previous conversation and then he explained his plan for my new medication. I'm going on to Effexor, which seems to be fairly popular. I'm starting off at 75mg for three days, then 150mg for three days and finally 225mg after that. He hopes that will be the right dose, but the one thing I continuously hear about Effexor is that it's mroe effective in higher dosages. I don't have a great understanding of how antidepressants work. I just pop the pills and drink a glass of water hoping it makes the voices go away.

I have to return to see him next Monday...bugger I just realized I scheduled that appointment at exactly the same time I'll be seeing my Psych. I'll have to change that tomorrow obviously. The GP signed my medical report in a far more satisfactory way, I had major anxiety whilst he was filling it out. I guess I was just bracing for the worst. But that didn't happen. I'll be going in to Centrelink tomorrow to hand in all the forms and to find out what else I need to do. I cannot predict that there will be any further complications, because if I did I'd ensure they wouldn't happen...ay, ay, there's some logic. I'll probably write something on that tomorrow.

Our trivia team is growing, tomorrow we're expecting 7 people overall and Carmen may be coming too! Last week we came third, this week we're aiming for the crown. Of course I'll go over and say hello to Leah, Matt & Robert whom I hope will still be playing despite Robin's month abroad. The week is looking a bit bare, which is fine I need a lot of 'me' time to get used to the new medication. Might be seeing Eliza on Thusday. Maybe some karaoke on Saturday as well as Chris & Steven's birthday party. They're going to be 25! Seeing Harry Potter with Dad on Wednesday. Actually this week is quite full, full of enjoyment. :) I'm thinking of taking my first Effexor pill 1 minute after midnight, why am I so excited about changing meds? ha ha... Until next time my friend/s.

Andy Scott

Doctor Feelgood.

2010-11-20T06:31:00.064+10:00

Mustn't get into the habit of posting every four days...then again if that's the worst habit I could have at this point I'm doing quite well. Just decided to take a few days off, I didn't end up going to Red Cross on Wednesday. I know when it's vital for me to just do nothing and it felt like on of those times. I told them to contact me next time the blood mobile is in Corinda. Despite all that I had a fantastically productive day yesterday. I had a session with my new psychologist and I think overall it's going to be quite challenging, which is a good thing. He's different to the other professionals I've spoken to in the past in that it's a bit more intense. I can tell that he's really going to try to get me to fight against a lot of instincts and reflexes. In a way that makes me quite anxious, because it's a hard thing to confront oneself.

We went through a fairly quick version of the previous few years, just to give him a general idea. Then he fired through a few ideas, some of which I've touched on before, others completely new concepts. He is a cognitive behavioural therapist, so I am obviously familiar with the basic tenants, but it's obviously going to be a bit more in depth than a six week course at Centrelink. Plus it will probably be more tailored to my particular issues. It's going to be a struggle, just have to keep remembering why I do it. I'll just keep looking at the scars and that should give a boost of renewed enthusiasm. I'm going to keep seeing my counselor at UQ, we've developed a really nice relationship and it's refreshing to have a place where I can just vent about things in a relaxed atmosphere, which I don't think I'll have with the psychologist. Though I could just be reading too in depth into things at this point.

When I got home a couple of hours lately I was talking to Mum about how nice it would be to see a new GP next week some time and how I just really wanted to get things rolling as quickly as possible. She said the she and Dad were heading out to Mount Ommaney for shopping, so why not give the medical center there a call and see if there's a free spot. What were the odds of that? I mean with my last GP you had to book several days in advance. Strangely enough though there were several appointments available almost immediately. Fantastic! So I filled in all the usual forms and met my new GP shortly afterward. For the second time that day I went through a brief version of the last few years and my concerns of the previous GPs lack of empathy, that I may not have been getting the best advice.

He seemed to instantly believe that I had depression and said something along the lines of "let's try and get you on Centrelink as soon as possible." I completely relaxed at that point, this was a guy who got me... He also asked me to change the way in which I am weening off my current medication. Instead of dropping 10mg per week, I'm to stay on 20mg over the weekend, take nothing on Monday and then go on the new medication Tuesday. He says it's much less dangerous to do it this way, I have been very frightened about what would happen if I go off my meds. The next week or so might be a bit rough, but it should be fine after that.

I go back to see him on Monday afternoon for a more in depth conversation about my depression. I feel so relieved that this is all sorted. If all goes to plan I can go into Centrelink on Tuesday and get that ball rolling too. It'll give me a health care card again, but more importantly it'll allow my parents to have a bit more money, which is a little tight right now. I want to do my part to make things easier for them. But even more importantly I now have a far stronger support network and I think things are looking up.

How great does it feel to have a plan? It's not going to be easy, but I'm doing it. The next thing I want to do is go into Amnesty a month or so from now and see if I can volunteer for some admin job they have around the office. It'll give me a bit of work experience and plus I'll get to know Amnesty a bit more personally. Then in March I'll hopefully be back at uni. I'm quite happy with the way things are going.

Just trying to decide right now if I have the energy to go out to a BBQ in Toowong that Carmen invited me to. Had a really late one last night, Tanzih and I stuffed ourselves at Sizzler and had a really good chat...as per usual. Not sure why I'm awake now actually, ha ha. Probably just needed to get this entry done. Tonight is a Mindnet meeting in the city, in a way I just don't want to talk about my own depression tonight. You do get a little tired of it, so I'll just talk to others about theirs. Not that that's all we do, we have great conversations, great laughs. But people do have their issues that they want other people's perspective about and that is the whole purpose of the group. These coffee club meetings are just different to say the trivia meet ups where we mainly just have fun. Still it will be nice to see everyone, I've very quickly made some great friendships there.

Right, my eyes are having trouble staying open. Nap time for sure! I'm glad I can return with good news after the last few weeks were fairly rough. I must catch up with Alex sometime soon to thank him again for introducing me to these doctors. It certainly takes a load off. Love love love!

Andy Scott

Buddled Mrain.

2010-11-16T01:43:00.000+10:00

Had nothing much to say the other day, was still fairly disorientated from my stomach virus whatever thing that happened. That was unpleasant, prisoner of my house for a few days. Got out yesterday for a bit of Perfect Dark nostalgia at Pete's place. It's still fun, but not as much as I remember. I just can't get into those sorts of games anymore, I'm not surprised I guess.

Today I went back to my GP and it was a different experience. I told her I had found a psychologist whom I will meet this Friday, so we worked through a mental health plan so it was all official. I got the feeling that she saw me in a new light whilst working through the questionnaire with me. For one she found out about my work history and probably realized I'm not the lazy, dole-scrounging, faking, whiner that I assume she thinks I am. Maybe I have her wrong, then again I tend to doubt the feelings I had about a person when they start being nice to me. Just because a person is nice one time doesn't mean they weren't an arsehole those other times.

I dunno, I'm all muddled up today. I haven't been able to think clearly, very frustrating actually. Short term memory loss, I had to go home three times when I was on way to trivia to pick up things I'd forgotten. I need to get things back on track. Okay...psychologist on Friday...who apparently has nothing to do with medication. I wish the distinction between psychiatrist and psychologist were a bit clearer, plus GP and the counselor...gah! I need to get centered, makes me sound like I'm talking about chakras or some shit. Psychologist first, get some advice. Maybe go see the GP that Alex recommended next week. Medication is an issue right now...I started lowering it so that I could switch over to the new medication...but it felt like I was being sucked into the darkness. It was terrifying...I'm going to try again. But perhaps I should speak to the new GP first...sighhhh...

Craaaaazy. I'm off to Red Cross tomorrow, even though I just want to de-stress for the next few days. It'll make me feel that I'm doing something positive. I'm drinking a crapload of water right now, I always forget to do that and then they can't find my veins. My blood is going to be so thin tomorrow I'll be in and out within a minute. ha ha. That's all from me, I need to go do things that don't involve thinking. Lots of love!

Andy Scott

My Organs Are Mutinying.

2010-11-12T23:31:00.002+10:00

Very sick...didn't start the day that way, but by lunch time it was full blown some sort of intestinal thing, or perhaps stomach. At least I can a break from throwing up to write a quick entry. I personally believe I started feeling sick because it's almost been a week since I started lowering my dose in order that in a couple of weeks from now I'll start using a new medication. So today I went back to my usual dosage and I'll wait to see what the psychologist says. Oh yeah! I've made an appointment with a psychologist for next Friday, thank you greatly to Leah and Alex for that one. I have to return to my GP on Tuesday so I can get a referral, which means I only have to pay about $30 per session with the psych. That's very do-able.

Getting drowsy again, must have napped through most of the day. At least I saved money by not buying any groceries. I'll have to tomorrow though...hopefully. So I didn't get to see my councilor which is very disappointing, but I couldn't get out of bed I was that exhausted.My eyes are closing...I need more snooze time, sweat this thing out of me. Yaaaay... Umm, I forgot what to say? Maybe just goodbye will suffice? Goodbye!

Andy Scott

Betrayal...

2010-11-10T12:14:00.000+10:00

Left it a little late again, fortunately I wrote something yesterday on the Mindnet website which I can just copy and paste...

"I'm absolutely devastated right now...I've just been to see my GP whom I've been seeing for many months now, because I'm applying for the Disability Support Pension and I needed a doctor's certificate to prove how bad my depression is. My biggest fear this past week is that whilst applying for the pension they wouldn't believe that my depression isn't as serious as it is or that I even have depression at all and am just being lazy or something. Then after speaking to some people from this group I figured that was a load of crap considering my history. So I was feeling very confident that I'd see the GP, get the forms signed and get the application completed in the next few days.

Well she did sign it, but she revealed that she didn't think my depression was very serious...in fact she expects me to make a recovery within the next three months. But even if it takes longer, there's nothing stopping me from working or studying right now. As per usual, I just went 'yup, okay if that's what you think'. I left the office and was walking home and I was just shaking all over, I started thinking about everything I'd been through the last few years. How nothing had ever gone smoothly, how freaking hard I've had to work to get where I am now and why the hell I couldn't just get an easy break every once in a while. Why does it seem like every little thing I do to try and improve my life has to be met with so much opposition!

I had to sit down with my parents whom have been supporting me both mentally and financially through all this, hold back the tears and tell them that I may not be able to get the pension. They can't afford to keep supporting me like this, even though they say otherwise and are very happy to keep doing it. It just makes me feel like the biggest failure... I can't get a job, I haven't been able to study long term and I'm apparently not even ill enough to get support from the government. What else is there? Fortunately I worked through my suicidal issues a while ago otherwise I'd be fairly afraid right now. But even without feeling suicidal you just have to think, what is there that I CAN do?...

I'm going to start seeing a new GP, I'm also going to speak with my counselor about it on Friday, find out whether she believes me as well and if she does what should I do next? I'm trying to keep calm and positive right now, that it's not the end of the world. I just have to find a doctor who does believe me and then start the application process a bit later...

I have a couple of questions for people. I know some of you have gone through similar situations, but do most people go through something like this where they don't believe you or trivialize your pain? Also can someone suggest both a good bulk billing GP and Psychologist perhaps in the Sherwood/Indooroopilly/Toowong/City area. I want to start seeing a Psychologist on top of the counselor I am already seeing. Obviously I have to start stockpiling proof from a number of different sources... Thank you for reading and for your support."

I'm feeling so much better today, it was just a major shock to the system. A lot of people on the website gave me their support throughout the day and told similar stories from their own experiences, not just of GPs but people in general that don't believe how ill they are. Maybe it would be a lot easier if depression caused some sort of physical manifestation such as growing horns or your skin turning bright yellow. Then maybe more people would believe it exists and that it is a severe issue... I've been doubting myself on and off since yesterday, but fuck that... Why would I have put myself through all of that pain over the years, why would I fake it, why would I pretend? For a poor man's existence taking money from the government? Because being depressed is easier than finding work or studying? I'm not a lazy person, the amount of effort I put into getting better is commendable. I just happen to be very good at hiding my depression, so people tend to think there's nothing wrong just from looking at me. Try one day in my shoes and see how fine you think I am...argh...

I don't know what's going to happen now, I've been totally thrown aback. I'm going to have to start over again with the doctors, because I doubt the medication I've been on is the best for me. I've got some trust issues now. I don't want to get into my head that all doctors are bastards like a lot of other people do, but I'm sure seeing why that may be the case. She had no regard for how I would take her opinion. She said that she expected me to make a recovery within the next few months and that she doesn't think there is anything stopping me from finding work right now. Well she showed her true self.

No wonder Australia is in desperate need of mental health reform. Anyways, I just don't want to think about it right now, I'll start fuming again. I'm trying to have a day off from depression as much as possible, which means napping and stuffing my face until I'm too exhausted to think. Lots of X-Files too! It helps... Well, next entry should be Friday which will be after I've spoken with my counselor, I'm hoping to get some good advice from her. I think she's much different to my GP because she's heard in great detail about how my brain has been affecting me. Can't not trust everyone, some people out there are really there to help. So I'm off to contemplate what to do next... need a new plan.

Andy Scott

Honesty And Optimism.

2010-11-08T21:04:00.001+10:00

I'm better, for now. I think all that venting on the weekend got the depression out of my system for the moment. Been feeling quite chilled the last day or so. But I can't ignore the fact that I haven't got a major grasp on the situation, there are areas that need to be improved to lessen the severity of my moods. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow morning to hopefully switch to a new medication. I haven't really felt like speaking about how my depression has been getting more serious because I've just been to ashamed to say it out loud. It's as if my mind is really strong in some regards, so my depression has to find new ways to manifest itself now the old ways are no longer available. I'm being vague on purpose.

Honesty, honesty, I have to let it out if I want to get better... *deep breath* I've mentioned in the past that I started taking my frustrations out on myself more physically such as punching myself in the face, or repetitively in the arm or leg until it reaches the point where I can't use it for a while. Generally I just exhaust myself and have a sleep and when I wake up I feel much better. There is a reason why people hurt themselves to feel better, it can certainly do the trick. But it's wrong, you shouldn't do it. In the olden days I would just drink until I was numb, now I find new ways. Even worse it has been escalating...one day last week I cut myself for the first time...man that's embarrassing...it wasn't very deep and even though it looks really obvious right now I think it'll heal over with a scar.

I am not suicidal, I honestly want to live, I just felt like punishing myself. I knew that if I did it then it would really upset me a few days later when I felt better. Which is exactly what happened... I can't believe that I'd end up doing that, it seems to weak. It's hard to talk yourself out of it though when you're in that bad a mood, you can remember all the therapeutic things you can do to feel better, but you don't want to do them. It's like you want to withhold that from yourself because you want yourself to suffer, it's almost a multiple personality type thing - the depressed you and the normal you. The depressed you wants to make it really painful for the normal you. That's why I think I need some stronger medication, the road to a balanced mind takes more than medication, but you do need the depression to be reduced to a certain level before you can force yourself to do the therapy. At the moment I'm just having these periods of really severe depression and I just have to wait it out, there's nothing much I can do at the time. At least I've gotten good at not taking it out on others.

So it does sound pretty serious, but I am optimistic. My forms from Centrelink arrived today, so I can start straight away the process to get the disability pension. As I said before, tomorrow I will see my GP and on top of getting a medication trade I will also ask her to fill out the doctors forms necessary for my application. I'm seeing my counselor on Friday so I will get her to do the same. I've decided I should go and see someone more professional as well, I'll keep going to see Kylie at UQ because we've got a great relationship and I do get a lot of great advice from her. But I should start see a psychologist as well. Just need to find somewhere cheap. Hello bulk billing.

So that's what I'll be doing for the next few weeks, I have to have the application in by the 17th, so that's not very far from now. I'll go into Centrelink next Monday at this rate. My goal is to continue doing my group work for a while, strengthen those friendships and in a few weeks I'll look into doing voluntary work at Amnesty International. In the last month or so I've found a rekindling of my love of world issues, but instead of getting obsessed and burning out in a few months like last time, I'm going to monitor my behavior at keep things well within my limit. I might even continue studying Political Science at uni, mixed with Musicology as a second major. I think it does suit me and I do really care about it, let's just keep it casual for now.

I bought a new monitor today, 24", so it's a little wider than my old monitor. I'd really like to get a second one, but that would probably mean getting a larger desk. ha ha. It's such an effort getting to Umart though, I was thoroughly drenched in sweat by the end and I've been getting these back aches lately when I walk too much. Weird though because I'm doing treadmill almost every day lately and my back feels fine, my calves on the other hand feel like an inferno. But that's all a part of it.

Hard to say whether things are good or bad right now, my mood is definitely higher and there is hope for the future. I've got some good plans and I've got a great handle on things as long as my depression or anxiety doesn't get to severe. So in my next report I should have read through and completed most of the forms so I'll be able to explain what the pension is exactly and estimate how many weeks it will be until I can have my retirement party. Actually it'll be a joint party with Kate who's also on the pension but didn't think about having a retirement party at the time. I hope someone gets me a gold watch, or a cheap watch spray painted gold, it's the sentiment after all which is worth the most. I'd better get some sleep, I'm really glad I've been able to keep up with the writing schedule, I can remember how useful it is to write more often when it's fresh in your mind instead of trying to remember everything at the end of the week and writing some pretty meaningless stuff. Lots of love!

Also, thank you to Tanzih, Tamara, Kate and Kerry for taking the time out recently to make me feel better. I have a lot of wonderful women in my life it would seem, that goes for Mum and Dad too, although Dad's not a woman. Even more love!

Andy Scott

Feeling The Strain...

2010-11-06T23:49:00.000+10:00

Arrived home much later than expected tonight, which is probably a good thing. Just means I'm going to have to type furiously if I want to get this entry up in the allotted 2 day period between entries. A little Red Hot Chili Peppers I think...now I'm relaxed but appropriately funky. One of my monitors died this morning... *sobs* ...It hurts to go back to having a mono-display based setup. I forgot the pain! I have the bottom half of my screen set up for internet, the top corner for X-Files and the other top corner for a chat window... It's all coming back to me now. I'm trying to think of an appropriate comparison... It's like having a recliner that no longer leans back and you forgot how boring plain sitting was... no, not quite...umm, I guess it's sort of like when you forget your mobiles one day when going out and suddenly remember what it was like not being able to contact people whenever you want. How did people stay in touch back then? The odd phone call in the evening? I've gone off track...

Way to use a huge chunk of your limited time before midnight to make a useless analogy of something most people understand anyway, Andy. ha ha... Hungry. Hopefully I'll get a new monitor on Monday, depends on the cash situation. Speaking of which...I have NO news about the pension I'm going to be applying for. Though I did speak to a few people this evening from the Mindnet group about it and they reassured me that it will be fine and as long as I have the necessary paperwork I should get it. I'm fairly paranoid that they're not going to believe I am depressed. But then I think there is a lot of evidence. I'd just have to show them this blog! After all what type of person would spend years writing about a depression they don't really have just to get money from the government a few years later? I guess I wouldn't be surprised at this point if someone pointed out to me that someone has indeed done that...

Group meeting was quite good tonight, at this point I've pretty much met everyone who was there once or twice before. So I just turned up and started talking almost immediately. I realized that I definitely need to be thinking about a change in medication, obviously dose isn't the issue, so I'll have to change medications. Mum won't be happy about that. But it is necessary, the medication has certainly helped in a number of ways. The depression or the anxiety don't feel as bad as it did in the past. But in other areas I've gotten worse... I don't really want to talk about it, even though I should. It's time I tried seeking help though. After tonight I just don't feel like talking about it much anymore, I'm a bit sick of always thinking about this depression and how to fix it. I'm sick of it ruling my life. I've just been really worn out this last week. Things are stagnant and it's time for another self-analysis...urgh, the thought of it just makes me groan. But it has to be done.

Not tonight though, sigh of relief from everyone. I need a break from the depression, even though that's not really possible. Sigh. Ha ha, I'll stop here. That'll leave this post on a cliffhanger...yeah, right. Tune in next time for more of the same crap! I'm not really that bad right now, just a little exhausted. I'll be in a better mood tomorrow, maybe read back on this and say 'what a jerk...' :) Night all. Hope you're doing well. Love...

Andy Scott

2 Days Later, As Promised.

2010-11-04T21:32:00.000+10:00

I waited until the end of the day because I wanted to see if there were any last minute interesting things happening I could write about. No such luck I'm afraid, ha ha. Last night I went to the Pig & Whistle's trivia with Kate and Phil from the Mindnet group. We met with a few members of a different meetup group, one for over-30s. But they didn't mind us young 'uns being there. Gah, so don't like that place... there's barely any meals under $20, you have to make do with bowls of chips, which was tasty. The host is a moron, though not as bad as I remember him being in the past. Trivia itself was fine though. I really have to try hard to persuade them to go to St. Paul's next week. I'm sure we can find enough members for a team.

Today was fairly relaxed, was online for a while chatting with people. Played one of the latest from Big Fish Games. Now I'm back to X-Files, I gave it a rest for a few days because I watched too much, too quickly. My brother Steven brought home all of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I must have foreseen it as I watched First Contact last night. Let's just say I am set for TV shows for quite a while. Though that's never been one of my issues.

I do have something of note to report, but the thing is I don't want to get my hopes up. It looks like I might be retiring this year. heh. Seems I'm probably eligible for Disability pension, which means my money worries will be over. I'll be able to stop taking money from Mum & Dad and I can pay more rent. It also means I can relax a bit more about my future, take things at my own pace. But like I said, too soon to say. Forms should arrive in the next few days, then I need letters from my doctor and counselor. Not sure what else, I've spoken to other people with depression who are on the pension and they say there's a lot of paperwork, but I'm quite stubborn.

More on that soon! Right, this posting every two days is off to a good start. Ooh X-Files is up to a good bit and I have a slice of cheesecake to eat. num num num.

Andy Scott

Take THAT Shyness!

2010-11-02T10:53:00.002+10:00

I, Voyager by Nevermore

Was in a Nevermore sort of mood this morning, so I thought I'd try and influence others to feel the same. :) May have over splurged yesterday, poorer than I should be at this stage of the week. When has that ever made a difference really? It's actually been a while since the last entry, a lot has happened since then. I went to a second meet up at the coffee club with Mindnet on the 23rd, this time without the Tanzih support. At first I was quite nervous and couldn't work up the courage to speak to others, but that didn't last too long and eventually spoke with a lovely group of people at one end of the table. I was very open about some of the miseries I've felt over the last couple of years and they were very supportive about it. I'm so thankful I stumbled onto this group, I've already started to forge some meaningful friendships. Can't remember the last time I put so many new numbers in my phone.

I spent much of the following week just trying to sort through my thoughts, I had moments of fairly bad moods, including a bit of anger. Underneath those feelings was a reason, I just had to keep sifting and eventually I'd figure it out. Wasn't all bad though, because I was certainly feeling more confident than I've felt in...who knows how long. I'm getting rid of the negative people around me and replacing them with people who know the meaning of friendship. That's my current mission basically, make new friends and be more confident. I was too quick to start moving on to the next stage, when I haven't even completed this stage. It's very obvious what happens when I don't finish a step before moving on, eventual collapse.

It got me thinking to how many positive steps I've made over the last couple of years and whilst it can be frustrating how seemingly endless the journey to healthiness seems, I have come a long way. I've especially noticed that over the last few months, I haven't had to monitor my thoughts as much or look out for my own negative actions. For the most part it's become second nature, the one thing I want more control over is how the paying out I do when I hang out with Pete. It's so hard to stop, I might just have a chat with him about it, perhaps if he knows how I feel it'll be easier. I feel terrible afterward when we pay each other out even if it is in the name of fun. It doesn't feel friendly. I'm not against the odd ribbing, but some times it gets a bit too personal. I won't deny that I'm guilty of it too, it's been one of my worst habits that I've been trying to break for a long time now.

Slowly working through The Happiness Trap which is teaching me to accept the fact the bad things will happen, you can't strive for 100% happiness because that is impossible. So it's that quest for happiness which often makes you feel worse than you would if you can just accept that every once in a while something unpleasant is going to happen. I think I've gotten better at that, last week I accepted that I was feeling depressed, but also accepted that it would end soon. Which it has. All you can do is make sure you don't hurt yourself, mentally or physically and keep a track of your thoughts. The cognitive therapy is still useful for weeding out the thought mistakes, but you can't use it to get rid of the depression entirely. And as the book said, I've felt more at ease with this thought in mind.

Had my third meet up with the group this past Sunday, the awesome Kate organized for us to go to Max Brenner in South Bank, a chocolate cafe...mmm. The wait was long, but it was a good bonding moment with some other members whom I hadn't really spoken with before. We hung out till 5ish, had some great laughs and bellies full of Brennery goodness. I then met up with Carmen who'd been having a bit of a rough day. Earlier that day David's brother had been hit by a motorcycle whilst crossing the road near his house. It was a hit and run and the police haven't been able to discover who the bastard was yet. He made it to hospital, but the damage had been done. Even if he survived he'd be in a vegetative state for the remainder of his life, far too much damage to the brain. Yesterday they switched off the life support and I believe the funeral is today.

It's such an awful thing to happen obviously. I'm hoping to see the both of them this Saturday before the next Mindnet meet up. Not much you can do except be there for people in these situations and lots of hugs. So that's about all that's been happening. I'll just check my calendar...yup that's about it. I know I said I wouldn't onto a next stage so soon, but I really do feel like I should be writing more. Because there are so many small things, actual interesting things that slip my mind in posts like this. Every two days, that should be my aim. So let's try that. My blog used to be a lot more interesting back in the day when I wrote a lot or at least that's the impression I have in my mind. Either way, it's a goal and it's achievable. So I'll be back Thursday then with the latest. Different trivia tonight, going to be at Pig N Whistle at Indro with the Mindnet gang. I'm going to try and convince them to start a team at St Paul's from next week. Then I can rotate in between teams.

Music from October I listened to.

Rock 'N' Roll (1987) by Motörhead
Minstrel In The Gallery (1975) by Jethro Tull
The Velvet Underground (1969) by The Velvet Underground
Strapping Young Lad (2003) by Strapping Young Lad
Ascendancy (2005) by Trivium
Difficult To Cure (1981) by Rainbow
Death Cult Armageddon (2003) by Dimmu Borgir
Disco Volante (1995) by Mr. Bungle
Follow The Reaper (2000) by Children Of Bodom
Keep The Faith (1992) by Bon Jovi
One Day As A Lion (2008) by One Day As A Lion
Showbiz (1999) by Muse
The World Needs A Hero (2001) by Megadeth
The Funeral Album (2005) by Sentenced
Fighting (1975) by Thin Lizzy
Alpha (1983) by Asia
Sweet Freedom (1973) by Uriah Heep
Chameleon (1993) by Helloween
The New Order (1988) by Testament
Out Of Our Heads (1965) by The Rolling Stones
Time And A Word (1970) by Yes
To Bring You My Love (1995) by PJ Harvey
Ultramega OK (1988) by Soundgarden
Winterheart's Guild (2003) by Sonata Arctica
Damage Done (2002) by Dark Tranquillity
Dream Evil (1987) by Dio
Damnation And A Day (2003) by Cradle Of Filth

Laters!

Andy Scott

The Complexities Of The Brain Sac...

2010-10-22T04:29:00.000+10:00

Just like that Tuesday becomes Friday, ta-daaaa... For my next trick I shall summarize the last week into a few paragraphs...if you're lucky. I've done a fantastic job catching up with my horror classics in the last week or so, including first time viewings of The Exorcist, The Fly, Dawn Of The Dead, The Omen, Halloween, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre amongst others. Yeah, it's probably overkill...but I have to make up for lost opportunities. I'm taking a break from films for the moment to take a look at The X-Files, I've always liked the show but rarely watched it because it scared the ever loving daylights out of me...until now. heh heh heh.

Concerts! Haven't been to any since March, then two in the last week. Started out Sunday night by heading to the Valley to meet up with Eliza at the station...things were fine as I left the house but by the time I was on the train I started to feel that familiar dread that precedes an anxiety attack...which is the state I was in once I'd arrived at the city. I bought myself a kebab because I was pretty hungry, but I had trouble eating due to some pretty dramatic trembling. A guy came up and asked for money, I don't know what change I gave him, I just wanted him to leave me alone.

Eliza walked over a few minutes later and could tell there was something up, I asked if we could just sit there for a few moments whilst I figured out what I wanted to do. I was prepared at that point to go home, but Eliza was able to convince me to try heading to the gig and see how I felt once I was there. Probably the first time I've had to force myself onwards during an attack, not very pleasant...but I got there. Once inside I felt much calmer, sitting down with a drink amongst other music fans and of course Eliza there to relax me. Once the opening act, Akanine, had finished I was back to normal and ready to rock out to some Baroness whom were...awesome! Second time I've seen that band this year, first time being a quick set at Soundwave.

Crashed the night at her place because of bloody QLD transport's ridiculous train schedule finishing at 11pm on a Sunday. I've written letters in the past, never received a reply before...may try again. Brisbane really needs 24 hour transport...grumble, grumble. It kind of ruined the next night for me too when I saw, Metallica! Train was pretty late and slow so I didn't get to see Baroness play again. So it's very fortunate I saw them on the Sunday. Lamb of God were up next, brilliant as per usual. Kind of skimming through this review, getting a bit bored. Wasn't anxious at all this night...man it confuses me. Boondall is much further to travel, there are more people at the Entertainment Centre...so why do I have anxiety one night and not the other? Too confusing...Metallica were great by the way. Had to leave a bit early because I needed to make sure I caught the last train...bloody QLD transport...

Not much else to report...another group meeting this Saturday at Mindnet. Spoke with Caitlyn the other day who'll be going back for another meeting too. Nice to already be making friends. :) I've been spending more time on the website, posting message and the such. So, yeah that'll tide me over for a few more days I think. Not a good idea to write an entry at the same time as watching a TV show, distraaaaction. heh. Until next time!

Andy Scott

Walking On Sunshine

2010-10-13T04:05:00.001+10:00

Does it mean that I find my own blog dull if I'm writing an entry to see if makes me fall asleep faster? It's almost 4AM and I'd like to speed that process up a little. So, I made my blog public once again, because I came to the conclusion 'fuck it', this is who I am and this is parts of my past. I should be embarrassed about some of the things I've done in the past, but I should also be open about it. If someone comes along and judges me on something that occurred a long time ago then that's their choice. Look at me being all defiant, oh yes that's right I don't give a fuck...I'm too sleepy to.

I finally went to the Mindnet meet up group for people with depression! Yaaay... Tanzih came with me to make me less nervous, but I like to think she got something out of it herself. We mostly spoke with one woman/girl, I'm not sure what the cutoff point is for calling females one or the other. Are you a woman if you're over 20 or is it just a maturity thing that differs from person to person? I have the same problem with the 'boy/man' issue too. It's beside the point though. We had a really great chat, alternating from the very personal and distressing to candid discussions on likes and dislikes. It was an amazing experience, very few times in my life I've entered a social situation where I could just be myself without being shy first. Usually it takes me many meetings before I feel safe around other people, but this time I let my guard down almost instantaneously.

I suppose it was because we were there for a specific reason, to meet others with the same afflictions. So it's like, "let's just get on with it." I was buzzing for hours afterward, it made me realize just how long it's been since I met new people on my own merit, instead of meetings friends of friends. Not since China I suppose. Since Saturday I've actually been feeling a lot more confident about talking to people. I've decided that I'm a fun person to talk with, I'm quite funny, a good listener and every once in a while can produce a nugget of wisdom...but mostly it's the bad jokes. I've already RSVP'd for the next meeting and even made a suggestion on the site that they start their own pub trivia team, hopefully at St. Paul's so I can alternate without difficulty. I'm looking forward to the next meeting and being able to speak to others next time.

I might even start my own meet up group on the website, mainly because I noticed that they don't have any music appreciation groups in Brisbane. There are groups for films, dance, art, etc. But not one for music in general, then I thought that's because it would be hard to organize, best to start a group on one type of music. So I figured why not start one based on Metal, it's either that or Alternative Rock and I probably know more about the former. So I'll look into it, it might turn into a great hobby and Brisbane could certainly use a group like that, uniting everyone. Or perhaps I'm still on some sort of socializing high and the idea won't seem as attractive in a week or two. Let's find out!

It's 'what else' time. Starting to yawn and tear up, good a point as any to call it a night...or a morning I suppose. Next few days are bound to be relatively chilled, Friday is counseling and Sunday is Baroness. My next entry will surely be after that. Take it easy! Much love.

Edit: I forgot to mention that this is my 500th entry, that's a LOT of bollocks...wow.

Andy Scott

Busy Week, Satisfying Too.

2010-10-09T09:56:00.000+10:00

The past week or so has been amazingly busy and I'm loving it. We did end up watching Sharktopus and it was about as enjoyable as I was expecting it to be, which is incredible considering the hype I was giving it...very high expectations. I met up with Carmen on Monday who's returned from her holiday to Japan with David. Fairly jealous, I'd love to get out of Brisbane for a few days. Which I think will be soon if Eliza remembers to call me next time she heads up to her Aunt's place in Caloundra, ha ha. Caught up with her on Wednesday this week for some shopping and cafe hijinks.

Out pub trivia seems to be returning to its former glory, we're back downstairs and almost immediately the numbers have increased. The rules have been changed a little and I really enjoyed myself this time. The host Stu is getting married this weekend and I feel a little guilty not going, he invited all of us along, but this weekend is just sooo busy. Yesterday we went round to Pete's to try out the new Wii Party, which unlike Sharktopus did not live up to it's expectations. I thought it was just going to be a slightly different version of Mario Party, but they have very little in common. There's only one game option which is similar, but there's only one board and you don't get to choose how many rounds, it'd just be the exact same board every time.

So it was a bit disappointing, but I suppose it will be good if we're over at Pete's and we want to play something short and fun. That seems to be what it was designed for. Most likely we'll just go back to playing Mario Party and very rarely pull this title out again. Heading back round there after lunch today, not sure what the plan will be now...ha ha. Tomorrow we're going to be continuing our Dungeons & Dragons session, on to a new realm. I'm really glad Chris enjoyed himself last time, so he'll be joining us again. I very rarely see my brothers outside the house and that's not by choice, so here's hoping we'll continue for a while.

Thursday was a bit dramatic, I met with Yazz at indro to let him know how I was feeling about our attempts at reconnecting. I felt pretty bad about it, because even though I don't really like the guy, I didn't want to hurt his feelings like that. So we spoke for nearly an hour before he had to head back to work, but I got my message across. We won't be talking again any time soon, not sure what's running through his head now, but hey that's not my concern anymore. Felt really terrible for the rest of the day, it's no fun doing that sort of thing... But I had a really good talk with Mum which made me feel a little bit better and then I met with Tanzih in the city later on for chats and ice cream, which made me feel even more better. Then back at Tanzih's we had a conference call with Tamara and almost feeling back to normal. I also had a much appreciated chat about it with Leah, Mitch & Peter. By Friday I was feeling good again. Time is the factor in situations like that, just got to digest the emotions and let them run their course.

Later tonight though I might get a chance to discuss those emotions with some complete strangers. Yes, that's right I'm going to make another attempt to visit the Mindnet depression support group, this must be my sixth or seventh attempt, ha ha. I even made my next counselors appointment for next week because I wanted to make sure if I did or didn't go before going back, it's an ongoing joke between the two of us. Thanfully Tanzih will be going with me, which makes me feel so much more confident about going. Just have to get through the initial butterflies. I'm really hoping I click with the group, because it would be fantastic to be able to add this to my schedule from now on. I really do need it.

The week ahead seem less eventful by comparison, but I'm sure that will change. I'm seeing Baroness next Sunday with Eliza, which will be great. They played an amazing show at Soundwave earlier this year. Apart from that my schedule seems pretty open. I've decided that I'm going to join one of the dating sites where you have to pay for membership, I'm trialing a few out right now to decide which one i like best, thus far that would be Match.com. My reason for that is that I think it's likely that people who pay money for a membership are a lot more serious about trying to meet new people. I haven't received a message for a little while now, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. Got to keep the confidence up or I'll just give up entirely.

Hmm...all sleepy now. Might try and have a nap before heading back to Pete's place later on. Thanks for reading! I love you all very much.

Andy Scott

A Spring In My Step.

2010-09-30T10:42:00.001+10:00

Laters September! I've been continuing my onslaught on IMDB this morning, I just have to watch Sleepy Hollow and I've seen the top 50 most voted for films of the 90s. I'm working my way through those lists fairly quickly actually. It means watching a lot of films i probably wouldn't have bothered with in the past, but I figure you're not a proper film fanatic unless you're unbiased and have no preconceived opinions about a film beforehand. There have been plenty of times when I've groaned before pressing the play button only to be pleasantly surprised. Kindergarten Cop was a good example, which I watched earlier today, it was actually quite decent really and very sweet. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

I've been back to a fantastic mood as of late, predominately because I was able to have some long conversations with Tanzih and Tamara alleviating some of my paranoia. Always seem to jump to ridiculous conclusions before seeking the truth. They don't have an issue with me reconnecting with Yazz, but I think that I have one myself. When I think about sitting around with everyone acting like nothing had happened I feel quite uneasy. I just don't think that I'm ever going to be able to be friends with him again, but that's all right, just talking to him and letting him know how much he'd hurt me in the past left me with closure. It's better off that we just move on completely, hopefully it won't cause too much stress for the others who once again will have to go back to being stuck in the middle. It'll just have to be what it is.

The other reason I've been in a good mood is that I'm feeling a bit optimistic about meeting some new people, hopefully someone whom I can partner up with even. Tanzih helped me overhaul my profile over at OkCupid, give me some female perspective. I was a little nervous about sharing the knowledge of my foray into the online dating realm, but now I figure there's no point keeping it hush hush. I want to meet a girlfriend and I need all the help I can get, ha ha. Anyways here is the link to my profile.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/anhaidao

I've sent a bunch of messages out already, I regret the ones I sent out on the first day though. It took a lot of pushing to write up the profile and send the messages, so I wasn't looking for quality I just wanted to get it over and done with. I ended up sending the exact same message to a number of people which in hindsight was pretty dumb. So I'll give it a month or so before I contact those people again, I'm sure they would deleted that message and forgot I contacted them...probably not ay, but maybe an opportunity for a second impression. I've been feeling a lot more confident about approaching people, perhaps after some time I may even get rid of my shyness once and for all.

Let's see...what else? Work's been a little slow this past week, Dad is having a few issues coming up with tasks for me. But that's probably because he's a bit of a control freak, has to do everything himself. I spoke with him about it and he's a bit more open now to relinquishing some of that control to me. I know what it's like though, I'm quite the control freak myself and when you've got a specific vision it's hard to let others in on it because they might change that vision in unsatisfactory ways. I'll get back to work after I finish this entry.

This seems a good point to show the albums I listened to this month:

I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again Mama! (1969) by Janis Joplin
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends (2008) by Coldplay
Turn On The Bright Lights (2002) by Interpol
Waking The Fallen (2003) by Avenged Sevenfold
With Teeth (2005) by Nine Inch Nails
The Beatles (1968) by The Beatles
Magical Mystery Tour (1967) by The Beatles
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967) by The Beatles
Abbey Road (1969) by The Beatles
Let It Be (1970) by The Beatles
Dire Straits (1978) by Dire Straits
Accident Of Birth (1997) by Bruce Dickinson
Low (1977) by David Bowie
Dark Ages (2005) by Soulfly
Paul's Boutique (1989) by Beastie Boys
Jugulator (1997) by Judas Priest
Portrait Of An American Family (1994) by Marilyn Manson
Pendulum (1970) by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Seventh Star (1986) by Black Sabbath
My Generation (1965) by The Who
De Stijl (2000) by The White Stripes
Alligator (2005) by The National
Machina/The Machines Of God (2000) by The Smashing Pumpkins
Glory To The Brave (1997) by HammerFall
Seasons (2004) by Sevendust
Perfect Strangers (1984) by Deep Purple
There Is Nothing Left To Lose (1999) by Foo Fighters
Strong Arm Of The Law (1980) by Saxon
Warp Riders (2010) by The Sword
Sung Tongs (2004) by Animal Collective
Another Side Of Bob Dylan (1964) by Bob Dylan
90125 (1983) by Yes
Blues For The Red Sun (1992) by Kyuss
Creatures Of The Night (1982) by KISS
Daydream Nation (1988) by Sonic Youth
Denim And Leather (1981) by Saxon

Got my ticket to Metallica in the mail the other day, I was so lucky to find a seller on eBay that was selling it for the same price as the ticket vendors. I'll probably be buying a ticket to see Soilwork who are touring Brisbane late October as well. After that there aren't many gigs I'm looking forward to until the new years. So I should start buying up Christmas presents, it's going to take me a while, but one person a week until Christmas should be achievable.

This Saturday I'm (hopefully) going to see Sharktopus! It's been a long wait, I just searched the archives and the very first mention of our tentacled friend was back in February and I haven't shut up about it since then. Wow, SyFy can really put a film together quickly! Right, I'd better do some work and watch some more films. Life is certainly exceedingly good right now.

Andy Scott

The Kangaroo Jack Experience...

2010-09-20T19:46:00.000+10:00

You know what I'm watching right now? Kangaroo Jack! You know what I'd rather be doing? Not watching said film, Kangaroo Jack. I suppose when you are on a mission to find the worst film of all time you're asking for it. But this doesn't have the eccentricty of a Manos: Hands of Fate or the humour of Maximum Overdrive. Just scene after stupid fucking scene. Good thing Pete has a laptop and I have some writing to do. Watched The Shining beforehand, a lot of build up and once again I was disappointed by Stanley Kubrick. Don't get me wrong it was a pretty good film, but I felt their were too many flaws for it to live up to its status. Then again that's not its fault.

They just got to the long farting scene in Kangaroo Jack...of course there is...that's comedy gold! Good news! I was able to get my hands on a Metallica ticket for when they return in October. Cool thing is I'm going to see Baroness play on the 17th at The Zoo, which is a fairly intimate gig. Then Metallica is the next night, Baroness is supporting them, get to see them twice two nights in a row. Lamb Of God are also supporting, saw them last year as head liners at River Stage. So if I don't feel like heading out early I can just get there for the main act. Soilwork plays on the 21st, I would like to see them because the album they released this year, The Panic Broadcast, was absolutely brilliant. But three gigs in a week might be a bit much.

I think we're two thirds of the way through the film now. I forgot to mention yesterday that I lowered the dose of my meds back to 30mg again. I was on the higher dose for a few days, nearly a week but it started to feel like a tranquilliser. I'm all fine being a bit doped up, but that was too much. Ooh the final confrontation, okay time for me to finish up here and bask in the end credits. Ahhh....

Andy Scott

What Happens In The Blog Stays In The Blog.

2010-09-19T22:43:00.000+10:00

So what's with this privacy all of a sudden? I'll get to that in a moment. Friday was my sister's 30th birthday, we'd organized to celebrate by having an Indian buffet in Corinda. But it turned out to not be the only thing we'd be celebrating that night. Mum phoned me early that morning to inform me that my sister was now engaged. It was amazing the excitedness around the house, something I wasn't used to. We don't really celebrate anything in this house, my parents had their 31st anniversary last week and they celebrated by going for a walk around the block. But all of a sudden we're all buzzing about this, I guess it's the most exciting thing that's happened to us in a long time.

I'm ecstatic for the both of them. Not sure what the plan is right now, Mum's going to organize an engagement party for November some time and I imagine they'll get married some time next year. Too soon to say. Had a good chat with Jay the other night, welcoming him into the family. Best part is I already know he's a really nice guy since we used to hang out all the time back in high school. It's not a typical situation, but hey these are modern times and lots of things are changing.

But it got me thinking about how I'd like to get into a relationship with someone and how I'd been slacking off ever since I'd made that decision a couple of months ago. So I'm back on the dating website, not saying which one because ain't no one going to be checking that out ha ha. Updated my profile and sent my first email out today to someone. Very nervous about the whole thing, but she seems like a really nice girl. More on that if she messages back.

This is why the blog is now private, I'm worried that anyone going back through these archives is going to think I have too much baggage and get frightened off. Slight paranoia, sure, but that's just who I am.

So it's a bit of a small update this week, I'm sure I had other things but it's slipped my mind. Perhaps it's time I started updating more often again, so I don't keep forgetting everything. heh.

Andy Scott

...Makes Andy Go Something Something.

2010-09-12T23:02:00.002+10:00

Welcome back to another entry into the annals of Andy's wacky life. I like how efficient the bullet points worked last week, not surprising considering how anal I am.

Work has been picking up, seems people at Sealy Posturepedic are slowly getting acquainted with the website and sending requests to the troubleshooting department. Which is technically me at this point. Dad also told me to start coming up with my own article ideas, so that at some point in the future I'll be writing as much as he is, hopefully. He's more of a perfectionist than I am and it's likely to be a while before he's happy with my writing style. All in all I'm really enjoying myself.
I've again increased the dose of my medication, now up to 40mg and so far have not felt any side effects. My body must be quite used to it by now. Won't be increasing it again, definitely sure about that. So from this point in I want to focus more on the therapeutic side of recovery. I have an appointment at UQ this coming Friday, I've got a few things in mind that I'd like to discuss.
First at trivia again, we are kicking some major arse... My only concern right now is that the numbers are starting to dwindle, we were down to five teams this week and one of them won't be around next week. When we were down stairs you'd have randoms coming into the pub and joining in the trivia on a whim. But no one comes up stairs, so we're not likely to get new members unless we ourselves invite more people. I guess if the numbers get too low we'll just go back down stairs or something. No point worrying about that now though.
I found that if I browse IMDB by year I could easily find the most popular films of that year that I haven't seen. Because it shows which ones you have already rated. I was even able to rate another 200 films that I'd seen in the past but never rated and there's bound to be more of them. At this rate I could reach 2000 titles pretty soon. I've always been reluctant to call myself a film buff, but having seen first hand just how many I've seen...I'm more comfortable with that idea.
What else happened this week...? Finally got to play Runaway 3: A Twist Of Fate, the last one came out in 2006 and concluded on a major cliff hanger. *spoilers* Overall the game was fun, but I was very disappointed that the story line strayed so vastly from the second game. They of course reference that game, but barely give it any thought really as you play through a very different plot. If this game had been released without using the characters from the previous Runaway games, you know, a stand alone game...I would have enjoyed it much more. Very much a shame, it was the best adventure series of the last decade based on new characters. Still, that company is going to try a game with completely new characters, I imagine it will go well. See how I bounced back?

Yawning now, has my life become duller or has it always been like this and I'm run out of way to describe it? I guess it's because I've stopped myself from getting too passionate about things for a while now because it's a dangerous cycle i.e. get very excited about something - dedicate all my time to it - get worn out, but keep going because it's an obsession - small breakdown, followed by apathy and depression. At least it was interesting...nothing wrong with being average, but the mind does begin to stray. Let's see if the upcoming week will be more exciting!

Andy Scott

The Return To...Something.

2010-09-05T16:30:00.000+10:00

So it's been a fairly long time since I've made a decent attempt at an update. I just noticed the reminder on my screen saying 'write journal entry', I like to give myself helpful reminders. Anyways I thought, why not. I had to look back over the last few entries to try and remember what has happened since all of that. It's been a bit strange because in some ways I've been having a truly fantastic time, but also have been utterly miserable. Both of those statements are 100% true, so I'm not sure if there's an easy way to sum it all up. How about I start with the miserableness and then finish the entry on a positive note.

I've just been a lot more emotional lately, it doesn't seem to take much to see me off. I start thinking about something a bit sad or frustrating and suddenly I'm in bed for an hour with sand in my eyes. The unusual part is that I seem to be able to snap myself out of it quicker than I used to. The medication has made it so that a) there's a lot less internal chatter going on in my brain, I sort of just feel sad with a blank mind. But also b) I'm a bit more rational about it, I can talk to myself and ease my way out of it. Before I know it I'm back in a fantastic mood for however long it lasts. So it's not unbearable or anything, I go through all the techniques I've learned and I've got a fairly all right handle on it.

I've even stopped hitting myself and that stopped the moment I increased the dose on my medication. I don't like to believe in coincidences either. So generally speaking it's not too bad. In a week or so I'm going to take my dose up another 10mg and I reckon that should be the right dose for me. Apparently with Citalopram 40mg is about as good as it gets. You can go higher but there's no increased benefit. I'd have to switch to a stronger medication altogether. I don't think that will be necessary.

Suddenly just lost interest in this entry, ha ha. I guess it's because I don't really have anything interesting to report. Or it could be I just stuffed myself to the point of bursting at Father's Day lunch and am drowsy. So let's do this through bullet points!

Checked out the Department of Music at UQ to see if I had a shot...next intake will be 2012 and you have to be fairly competent at an instrument. Did I say 'confident', I meant to say fucking good...you have to be fucking good. But that's all right because Bachelor of Arts, which I'm already enrolled in, also has a Musicology subject. So I think I'm going to push forwards with that. Apparently Robin's sister can teach me to play an instrument, so I think I'll take her up on that.
Got a new 1 TB hard drive, was all paranoid when Liz said her iTunes library just disappeared one day. I think my brain would explode if that happened to me...fuck that...
Met up with Matt and Jane at Garden City with Peter. They'd just come down for a day or two for car repairs. Haven't seen them in nearly 3 years I think...maybe 2 and a half. It was great to catch up, they'll be back in February for a longer visit apparently. Excellent.
Checked out Anna, Eliza & Dean's new place in East Brisbane. They got lucky with that one, so close to the city, great view and it's just a really fun house in general. Would have been great to check out Riverfire from their house last night, but already had other plans...which were equally fun I might add. Got to watch Dinoshark after all.
Soundwave ticket has been purchased. Also going to see Baroness with Eliza in October. Sunset Sounds is on sale, so I'm saving up. Big Day Out announcement at the end of the month. Probably won't go to the actual festival, because I enjoyed the way I did it earlier this year catching a few of the bands at sideshows.
Australia had its election, I voted Greens once again whom had a very impressive boost since the last election. We still have no actual government because of a deadlock, supposedly will be sorted out during the next week. At this point I'd be extremely surprised if Labor didn't end up with the Independents siding with them...even as cynical as I am.
Apart from that I'm just having a bloody fantastic time hanging out with people, really makes life worthwhile. And family life is great too. I always get a big smile on my face when I think of all the awesome people in my life, very lucky.

Speaking of which I'm going to head around to Pete's house very soon. I got nothing left to say anyhow. Will try to make this a weekly thing once again. In which case I'll (probably) be back next Sunday. Lots of love!

Andy Scott

Not Much To Say.

2010-08-31T01:33:00.004+10:00

Okay here's the deal. I just really cannot be bothered posting anything at the moment, but I should post up what music I was listening to throughout August. Kind of a crappy entry especially since it has been around two weeks. I'll be back soon with more dull, lengthy posts soon though. Not much to report anyways.

Asia (1982) by Asia
The Suburbs (2010) by Arcade Fire
At The Edge Of Time (2010) by Blind Guardian
A Passion Play (1973) by Jethro Tull
Easy Action (1970) by Alice Cooper
Born On The Bayou (1969) by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Izitso (1977) by Cat Stevens
Origins Of Symmetry (2001) by Muse
Look At Yourself (1971) by Uriah Heep
Practice What You Preach (1989) by Testament
The Man Who Sold The World (1970) by David Bowie
Stupid Dream (1999) by Porcupine Tree
Fortress (2008) by Protest The Hero
Nightmare (2010) by Avenged Sevenfold
Licensed To Ill (1986) by The Beastie Boys
Evocation I - The Arcane Dominion (2009) by Eluveitie
Order Of The Black (2010) by Black Label Society
Arcade Fire (2003) by Arcade Fire
Hatebreeder (1999) by Children Of Bodom
Experimental Jet Set, Trash & No Star (1994) by Sonic Youth
Medúlla (2004) by Björk
Feels (2005) by Animal Collective
Static Tensions (2009) by Kylesa
Rated R (2000) by Queens Of The Stone Age
A Day At The Races (1976) by Queen
5 Songs (2001) by The Decemberists
Achtung Baby (1991) by U2
At Mount Zoomer (2008) by Wolf Parade
Bringing It All Back Home (1965) by Bob Dylan
Creedence Clearwater Revival (1968) by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Faith (1981) by The Cure
The Final Frontier (2010) by Iron Maiden
Ummagumma (1969) by Pink Floyd
Saxon (1979) by Saxon
Wonderworld (1974) by Uriah Heep
Dead Heart, In A Dead World (2000) by Nevermore
Beautiful Garbage (2001) by Garbage
Midian (2000) by Cradle Of Filth
Haven (2000) by Dark Tranquillity
Prophecy (2004) by Soulfly

Andy Scott

Breakthrough...

2010-08-15T11:43:00.000+10:00

So, apparently drugs can have a pretty strong effect on our bodies...hmm, funny stuff. I have to say though that I wasn't expecting it to be the way it has been the last week since I upped my dose. I don't know how well I can describe the effects. At the start of the week I felt blurry, unfocused and was having trouble with simple tasks. It was difficult to tell whether it was even having a positive effect. Then on Wednesday I had my first bad day on the new dose and it was noticeably easier to handle, much less internal chatter and I was even able to cheer up at certain points.

My down mood did last until Saturday though, I didn't feel as bad as I used to, mostly just wanted to be by myself and not go out. I've learned that when I'm in that sort of mood, the best thing is to usually go with it. Better I have a few bad days at home than risk an even worse mood and most likely panic attacks if I go out. I missed out on going to see Eels on Friday night though, which does suck...but a mosh pit in the Valley in the evening is not very zen.

Feeling much better today, though a bit exhausted. But it's a good sign, only having a few crappy days and then feeling good again is on par with the rest of society. I'm confident about it, Mum isn't though, she's very upset that I'm on these drugs. We talk about it usually once a week and it though it seems like I've made her feel okay about it, she starts worrying again soon after. I'll just have to try harder to mask the side effects so she feels better about it. It's only been just under a fortnight, these things take time. I personally think I'm doing much better this last week than usual.

I think I had a breakthrough Friday night in the form of one of the most vividest, most emotionally devastating dreams I've ever had. For some reason I was going to be executed by the government for some crime, I did ask about the crime at some point in the dream, but I forgot once I'd woken up...some bullshit thing you wouldn't even get arrested for in America...maybe China. At the beginning of the dream I didn't really give a shit about it, passive apathy type thing. But after a while I started panicking, thinking of someway to escape...which wouldn't have been that hard considering I wasn't in captivity, just living with my family and moving around wherever I wanted. Maybe I was under surveillance or something.

Then for some reason I came to the conclusion that I couldn't escape...and just lost it, I was on my knees in front of my Mum wailing 'I don't want to die!' over and over. After a while I said goodbye to my family and went to the execution arena, apparently there was going to be a huge crowd. I woke up shortly after I saw the noose...That really fucked me up for most of the day, I don't think I've ever had a dream like that before. The emotions were so real, in fact that may be the most desperate and terrified I've ever been. My family all looking at me helplessly, the feeling that I was going to die in the next day and that I couldn't do anything about it. Thinking that I didn't want to die now, I had so many years in front of me...

I can't recall the last time I've felt that strongly about living...and living for a loooong time at that. But I find that it's really effected me, I don't feel so casual about death as I had before. Even though it's been a long time since I've had proper suicidal thoughts, I haven't exactly been that worried about death, like if I died tomorrow it wouldn't be a big deal. I really don't feel like that now though, I want to live, I want to live till I'm like in my 80s and all fuddled. I want to have a life full of experiences and love and happiness...and all the bad things too.

I've been looking for a reason to live all this time and I guess my subconsciousness finally had enough and decided to show me what it would be like if I did die tomorrow. I'm now terrified of dying and that's fantastic! I suddenly feel this urge to do more, that it has a lot more meaning. I can only assume this might mean some changes in the near future, but I'm not going to speculate as to what. Such a strange sensation, I had my life flash before my eyes, I was about to die and had all the emotions associated with that bombard me...yet all the time I'm safe in my bed. Existence is a weird thing...

I've thought more about what I'd like to be doing at University...wow I wonder how many times I've written something like that in this journal. Once every six months I guess, ha ha. I was talking with Choiti about it the other day and I was saying how awesome it would be if I could just do a degree where i could just study all the music I love. Then it occurred to me, 'why not do that?' and I'm not sure as to why that never did occur to me before. So I'm looking into the Bachelor of Music majoring in Musicology. I just need to find out about the prerequisites. I'll organize a time to go in next week and go through all the queries.

Like i've said many times before, I'm in no rush and there's no pressure to actually have a degree. But if I can finally find something that suits me and is enjoyable I'm going for it. More on this one next week I suppose. Got my tax return this week...finally! It's practically gone, ha ha. But I put some of it aside for Soundwave and then I bought about 20 new albums. Having a great time working my way through them...ahhh.

That's about it really, in an hour or so I'll be heading round to Taringa for some fantasy role playing action. I'm quite looking forward to it, haven't felt very social the last few days and today I'll make up for it. Enough typing then. Love you guys!

Andy Scott

Well, I Had To Write Something.

2010-08-08T01:59:00.001+10:00

First thing I want to get out of the way this week is the Soundwave lineup for 2011...which is INCREDIBLE! I thought last year's was huge, but this one just eclipses it. Headliners are Iron Maiden who according to the festival promoter will be doing a two hour set list, which is...GAH! I missed out seeing these guys back in 2008 because of an anxiety attack, won't happen again! The other headliner is Queens Of The Stone Age, another I've been dying to see since Songs For The Deaf came out back in 2003! There will be a third headliner announced in October, but I'm already sold from these two alone. Other bands playing whom I will try and see are Rob Zombie, Avenged Sevenfold, Slayer, Stone Sour, Sevendust, Primus, Protest The Hero, Kylesa and High On Fire. Bound to be a few clashes, fingers crossed for some sideshows.

Had an excitement fit when I found out about it, still haven't completely calmed down actually. Hard to imagine there ever was a greater metal festival lineup than this in Australian history. In other music news I'll be going to see Eels this Friday night at The Tivoli. My first concert since Machine Head a few months ago. Eels were pretty much the band that got me out of my funk this year, that man understand depression only too well. There are several other gigs coming up which I'll be trying to get tickets for. Testament are playing tonight and I've entered a competition to win tickets, just have to wait and see. I did win tickets to The Dead Weather after all, so it's not completely impossible.

I've now left my uni course, couldn't really find anything else I really wanted to replace it with. So I'm not going to study this semester. I'll keep on focusing on getting well and just enjoying life. When I go back to visit the counselor this week I'm going to see if she can give me some academic counseling, maybe some sort of aptitude test. Not a major concern right now.

I went to the doctor's this past Tuesday and have upped the dose on my anti-depressant to 30mg. She said to wait about four weeks and see how well it works, otherwise to come back in and up it again. It's been close to a week and I haven't had any terribly bad moments. But that might just be because things have been going pretty well in general. There's no real way of testing its effectiveness, bad days happen eventually and once that occurs I'll be able to tell how well it works.

I also got some mild sleeping tablets to aid my fight against insomnia. Took two pills the first night around 10pm, woke a couple of times during the day, but ended up sleeping approximately 24 hours. Whilst it was nice to get a lot of sleep it did mean that I had to stay up the rest of the night which really beat the purpose, ha ha. Haven't had as much luck since then, a few very bad sleep days. Last two days haven't been so bad though, getting into what seems like a nice pattern.

All this boring talk about sleep patterns is working well as a sedative too. Umm...what else? That's about it really, been fairly quiet. Trivia has changed a bit and we came first last week, mainly because we bothered studying up on the special topics for the week. That's a new feature of trivia, whomever comes first gets to pick a special subject for next week's trivia. We chose the original Star Wars trilogy, should make it clear though that I have absolutely no problem with the recent prequels, I even enjoyed them. THERE! HA! There's a music round each week with a pre-determined musician chosen by one team, next week will be The Beastie Boys. Going to be listening to Licensed To Ill for research. I like the changes, though the new table set up is a bit intimate and you have to whisper a lot more. Ah wells...

Wow, a very quiet week. Mostly enjoyable too, so I can be quite happy about that. Listening to a bit of Porcupine Tree right now, which is relaxing me to the point where I don't want to write anymore. Well...umm, see ya!

Andy Scott

The Glass Is Exactly Half Empty And Half Full.

2010-08-02T02:42:00.001+10:00

Going to let this post double as my monthly AND weekly one, though it'll probably be quite brisk. When you're, there's no way but down which is the direction I went this past week. I've been struggling a bit once again, though not too badly. I think the biggest issue I've been facing of late is a higher than usual craving to get really drunk. I was agonizingly close to buying booze and smokes several times this week. I opted to go junk food in the end, but it was a close call. I think it dates back to a week or so ago, I was at South Bank with some people. At one point the people near me ordered a couple of straight shots of bourbon and were rolling smokes of Port Royal, my formal choice of tobacco. The strongest craving I'd ever had surged through me upon encountering those familiar scents...

I so hate this feeling...it makes me feel depressed that I can't go out to drink, which in turns makes me want to numb those emotions, which just makes me want to drink even more. The downward spiral, round and round. I seem to be able to distract myself sometimes with awesome food and several episodes of some TV show. I think this must be why I started hitting myself this year, complete frustration and no way to vent. I'm hoping this is just a phase and it'll return to my usual smaller cravings soon.

In the mean time I've made an appointment to see my doctor on Tuesday. For starters I want to get some sort of supplement or medication to help me sleep properly. This has gone on for far too long and is a torment of its own variety. I mean I had a great night's sleep yesterday, it was even during the right hours. I get to bed at 11pm last night and wake up at 1:30am this morning. There's no food, I'm so hungry, I don't get money till 8am this morning and I'm not likely to sleep till about that time. So I'll spend the next 6 hours hungry and wishing I could just knock myself out. Hopefully I can just distract myself with stuff like this, I've got a bit of work to catch up on anyways.

I'm also going to increase my dose on my anti-depressants. I can't possibly be on the right dose and still be feeling like this all the time. I know that it's supposed to be part medication and then part therapy, but the therapy side is going pretty well and I still get no major relief. I just want to see if increasing the dose will have any effect on the situation. Desperation once again, I just so want a holiday from my brain.

In regards to uni I think I finally have to admit that perhaps Political Science is no longer the thing that suits me.I've just been trying to hang onto it since early this year. I don't know where my enthusiasm went but I of course have a theory. About 14 months ago my therapy really started going well, major breakthroughs and all that. I suddenly had great faith in myself, I cared about myself, which in turn made me care a lot about the rest of the world. I found that I was far more interested in social issues than before and I still am, but my levels of caring have about evened out again. I think it's just too overwhelming now, I'm too busy worrying about my own problems the best I can manage is to take a personal interest in my friends and family's lives. But that's all I've got to give.

As I've been saying for the last month or so, it's about finding out what my abilities and capabilities are and then aiming for that. If I want to end up with a degree I'm going to have to do something that is suitable for when I'm in my WORST mood, not my best mood as I did with Political Science. Something where I can take my time, work on my own and there's no much pressure. Which is why something like Archaeology is perfect, too bad it just didn't interest me on a professional level. So I'm going to browse through the subjects over the next few days. There's still time to sign up for a subject this semester. But it might be a better idea to continue working more on my therapy instead.

Fortunately I'm in a very good situation otherwise. I don't feel like a freeloader because of my job, it makes me very confident, because if anyone asks I can just say I'm working now instead of doing seemingly nothing. As my counselor says, mental illness is a full-time job of its own, but it's pretty hard to make others see that. Faaair enough. Maybe I can FINALLY get myself to attend some of those support group meetings for depression.Not that I've been trying to do that as of late. So I'll set a time for this week to sit down and introduce myself on their message boards. Get in contact with some of them, then maybe I won't feel so anxious about showing up to their meetings. I've also been thinking that maybe it would be a good idea if I were to seek out some sort alcoholics support group, maybe get some tips in that department. Don't want to give myself to many of these sorts of goals though. One thing at a time, introduce myself to the group.

Things are certainly improving though despite the mood I've set with these last few paragraphs. I'm very positive about the future and I'm certainly willing to put the work in to make things better. Mum said to me the other day that if everyone on the planet put as much effort into improving themselves as much as I did there would be no problems in the world, which I thought was very sweet if not a little exaggerated. I do have to remind myself sometimes though that even though progress feels slow it's not because I'm slacking off or something. I do have to work very hard to maintain my mood even at this level. So I'm going to pat myself on the back for a moment. *there there*

Life is good, great friends, great family, nice job and a bright future. All right, it's time for my list of albums I listened to throughout July, I got through ALOT to say the least, almost two a day,

St. Anger (2003) by Metallica
Hit To Death In The Future Head (1992) by The Flaming Lips
Strawberry Jam (2007) by Animal Collective
Lightbulb Sun (2000) by Porcupine Tree
X&Y (2005) by Coldplay
World Coming Down (1999) by Type O Negative
The Panic Broadcast (2010) by Soilwork
Done With Mirrors (1985) by Aerosmith
Around The Fur (1997) by Deftones
Orgasmatron (1986) by Motörhead
Automatic For The People (1992) by R.E.M.
Their Satanic Majesties Request (1967) by The Rolling Stones
Drama (1980) by Yes
Unknown Pleasures (1979) by Joy Division
Music From 'The Elder' (1981) by KISS
Very 'Eavy, Very 'Umble (1970) by Uriah Heep
Thunder And Lightning (1983) by Thin Lizzy
De-Loused In The Comatroium (2003) by The Mars Volta
John Wesley Harding (1967) by Bob Dylan
Gods Of The Earth (2008) by The Sword
Keeper Of The Seven Keys: Part 2 (1987) by Helloween
Risk (1999) by Megadeth
Louder Than Love (1989) by Soundgarden
Sevendust (1997) by Sevendust
Pisces Iscariot (1994) by The Smashing Pumpkins
The Sound Of Perseverance (1998) by Death
Wheels Of Steel (1980) by Saxon
Goo (1990) by Sonic Youth
Between The Buttons (1967) by The Rolling Stones
Imagine (1971) by John Lennon
Born Again (1983) by Black Sabbath
Out Of Time (1991) by R.E.M.
Mother's Milk (1989) by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Stay Hungry (1984) by Twisted Sister
Nashville Skyline (1969) by Bob Dylan
This Was (1968) by Jethro Tull
Renegade (2000) by HammerFall
Ágætis Byrjun (1999) by Sigur Rós
Aftermath (1966) by The Rolling Stones
Believe (2002) by Disturbed
Boxer (2007) by The National
Garbage (1995) by Garbage
Something Wild (1997) by Children Of Bodom
Is This Desire? (1998) by PJ Harvey
Tarkus (1971) by Emerson, Lake & Palmer
System Of A Down (1998) by System Of A Down
Time (1981) by Electric Light Orchestra

Soundwave is getting announced later this week and I've been hearing some fantastic rumours. This is from Iron Maiden's latest newsletter: "If you're of an Australian persuasion, you might want to keep an eye on the [band's official] website next week." Soundwave headlined by Iron Maiden...I'm all giddy at the idea. Other possibilities I'm hearing are Hellyeah, Queens Of The Stone Age and Rob Zombie. It'll be announced this coming Thursday, just have to wait until then. Part of my tax return is going to bsittign in my account just waiting for a ticket, there's no way I'm missing out on this. After all there's already All That Remains, Protest The Hero, The Sword and Kylesa that I want to see. It only can get better from this point.

Whoo it's 2:30am now, another five hours and I should have some cash. Fingers crossed I can get to sleep before then and just avoid this whole bloody thing. Lots of love to everyone and talk soon!

Andy Scott

And Then...? AND THEN...?

2010-07-25T10:26:00.000+10:00

The only way I'm able to tolerate that dog next door that howls ALL OF THE TIME, is to play some blues influenced rock, in this instance some early Jethro Tull. Suddenly his dogerwauling doesn't seem to bother me so much, in fact it's fitting. Pink Floyd try and get that effect on Seamus. Howling dogs and the blues, strangely complimenting. Truth be told I've been THIS close to jumping that fence and sticking a cork in his mouth. I'm going crazy just fine on my own merits without the need for outside influence, thankyouverymuch!

Another satisfying week gone past, I hope it becomes a habit. Still...my new outlook is to remain cautiously optimistic with an appropriate amount of paranoia. I model it after the noble squirrel, peering out from the tree, noticing the morsel of food, checking for predators and then getting my squirrely groove on! If that analogy didn't make sense to anyone bar myself, *shrug* I enjoy myself thoroughly, but am acutely aware the fun could stop at any moment...when a hawk swoops down and...OKAY, enough with the squirrels. *squeak*

Paid off my first ever phone bill back on Monday, it was the bill so nice I paid for it twice. Then I shrieked in panic as I tried to get the excess money back. I clawed at the screen in desperation. Everyone informs me that money can be used as credit to pay off a future bill. I still sulked about it for the next day or two. Surprisingly thought it hasn't seemed to effect my lifestyle this week. In fact over the last couple of week I've somehow ended the week with excess money, I even started getting some savings! Who's the mature one? That's right it's me bitches!

Had the usual film day at Pete's on Monday, got through Ladyhawke and the original King Kong...yup, that's all I can be bothered writing on that. Eliza came back! Caught up with her, Liz and Anna on Tuesday during the day out at Athol St. heh heh. Athol. She and Anna are currently finding a new place to move in together, somewhere out near Dutton Park, Yeronga and all that. She's back with at trivia and suddenly we hit third place, coincidence? Yeah, probably...but it's still nice to have her back.

Leah & Robin went down to Melbourne on Wednesday, they took a holiday instead of going to the outrageously priced Splendour in the Grass. They'll be back later today I think. I'm expecting many, many photos...I've gotten into a photo mood lately and have started snapping random pics with my phone. Apparently it's already become a 'thing' I'm known for.

Thursday I went out to the Ship Inn at South Bank at Panda's request. Met with Carmen, David and Darian and we were the only ones there for like the next hour. That'll show us for turning up on time for members of the art community. heh. The dams burst and all sorts of people joined us at the table. Had a very good time and met loads of lovely new peoples. I smell a sequel in the future.

The Sealy Spirit website finally went live on Friday, it means things should start getting busier around here in the next month or two once the Sealy workforce starts utilizing the website. The family is going out to Sizzler for lunch today to celebrate the release and rightly so, a lot of work has gone into it. If all goes well this is likely to be my source of income for the next few years. Have I mentioned how much I better I feel from earning a salary after an enormous gap? Well I feel great about it, that's what!

Taxes are in, I'm looking forward to receiving a nice chunk of money very soon. I'll be able to take my iTunes library to next step. You know how I'm fairly anal? Yeah, I think that's been firmly established. Well I only like to have an exact number of musicians in my itunes library so that when I scroll down the pages each page has the number of musicians. Right now I'm at 105 musicians or 15 per page. So when this money comes in I'll be adding another 15 musicians to the library. Like I said, anal. But I LOVE it! Hmm...those last few sentences are bound to come up in inappropriate places in the search engines...

I'm going to try and sneak in a quick nap before the lunch bell rings. Here's a quick preview of next week: Uni starts on Monday, Counseling appointment, tax return? and the usual hi jinks with all my friends and family. I don't really like how this entry flowed, feels forced, full of things I probably wouldn't mention usually. Ah wells, better than writing nothing...but not better than reading nothing, so I apologize. heh heh. Catch yous!

Andy Scott

There Are Good Weeks...

2010-07-18T08:51:00.001+10:00

...and then there are fan-fucking-tastic ones! :D

Not sure if I'll have enough time this evening to prepare an entry, got a big day ahead of me. Going over to the RLR house in Taringa to continue the adventures of Geoff 'Trollfucker' Mantooth in our latest campaign of Dungeons & Dragons. I think I'm firmly acquainted with the game now and can safely say this is the beginning of a long friendship. We finished up the first portion of our adventure on Friday evening which ultimately led to us owning the now abandoned village we had set out to save in the first place. At least we have a base of operations now. We discovered a mysterious letter which was blank and we're going to investigate it further in a nearby village which will undoubtedly result in us entering some other dungeon or cave or catacomb, something along those lines. Can't wait.

After that we'll be going down the Coast this afternoon to play some mini-golf as a birthday present for Mitch. Haven't left Brisbane for many, many months now so I'm quite looking forward to that as well. Quite a day! It's sort of on par with how the rest of the week has been like, I made sure to keep some notes to ensure this entry is packed with juicy memories.

When last I wrote I was in quite the bad mood, various sudden changes in the emotional realm made for a generally crappy time. A pain in the arse sleep pattern didn't help either. Throughout the week my mood has gradually improved to what it is today and am pleased to say that I had a full night of sleep last night for the first time in a while. Love it when I reach the other side of the depression, means I can enjoy myself for however long it lasts. I'm certainly going to make the most of it.

I started reading The Happiness Trap on Monday which is about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which in some ways appears to be at odds with my religion of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). But I have been learning that both styles of therapy can indeed be used simultaneously as long as better understand when CBT is useful and when it isn't. It's useful when I make thought mistakes such as having low confidence, making unfair comparisons or catasrophising a situation. ACT on the other hand seems to say that you cannot eliminate every negative aspect of your life and that you just have to accept that these things will happen and just live through it as best you can. Whereas in the past I've been using CBT to try and change every part of my life, including the stuff I cannot control.

Which leads to the main concept of 'The Happiness Trap', that perpetual happiness is impossible and trying to attain it is a painful proposition. That's an idea I've been trying to wrap my head around, I can't get rid of my depression, it's something I just have to live with. I suppose I can accept it quite easily, I just hate the idea of feeling like a lesser person, being inferior or handicapped. My counselor suggest I shouldn't think of it in such a black or white way and that it's just one of those things I can't control. So I'm once again developing a new way of thinking in regards to this bloody illness. Tally ho and all that.

Work has been picking up even further. The website goes live in about a week's time and we're just making some final behind the scenes check ups to make sure everything is working. We're also in the planning stage of making a few short videos for the site, suddenly all my tinkering around with film back in high school is making a come back. Not much to report on this front for the moment, but two weeks from now I should start getting much busier. Excellent!

Mum seems to be worrying more and more about me, which is what mothers do I suppose. She wants so badly to just make everything better for me and she can't, so that distresses her. She's one of the most caring people ever. Instead she's looking into the chemical imbalance side of things and reading many, many books to try and find conditions that match what I've been going through. Then she makes suggestions as to what sort of things I should and shouldn't be eating. Sometimes I take heed and eliminate things from my diet, but I've come to realize that food is one of the few areas of life where happiness is almost always a guarantee. Not that I'm a comfort eater or anything like that, but if you find something that you find tasty and it happens to be a little bit bad for you then you may as well take the badness and enjoy the happiness as a consolation. Not that you should eat that in great quantities or anything, but don't give up on one of life's little joys.

We continued our 'slump' at trivia this week coming 4th. I believe in the coming week the format will be changing or it might be the week after. We'll be moving up stairs at St. Pauls Tavern into what has been titled the trivia club. The questions will be more tailored for the crowd and there will be prizes. Time to get serious it would seem, hopefully our scores will improve now that there will questions about stuff we know a lot about.

On Thursday I got all ready for counseling only to check my schedule just before I left and found it was actually on Friday. Good thing I double checked *sigh* I went upstairs to say a quick hello to Mum and instead got a two hour seminar on our family history. Mum is very much into genealogy, that's her thing now and she'd been looking into my Nanna's family line. So when she asked Nanna about what she could remember about her family she actually knew quite little. Which made Mum want to tell me about her childhood so it'd never be a mystery. Geez she had a tough life as well. Hate seeing terrible things happen to such nice people, same goes for my Dad though he went through a different type of terrible, indifferent parents. I now know quite a bit about my mum which is cool, I even saw some old pictures of her. Really puts things into a new light I suppose.

I've enrolled in one subject for next semester, Human Rights & International Politics. Figured that would be the best way of a) easing back into uni life b) determining my limits work-wise and c) seeing if political science is still the path I want to travel. I definitely still enjoy it, but I need to find out if I can handle that type of work and still maintain my moods successfully. If I have to get into a field that is less stressful then so be it.

Friday's counseling was a great session. I opened up a bit more and got some more great advice as per usual. Something I've never discussed with anyone is self-harm, which I have been on occasion guilty of doing. Nothing so serious like cutting or anything like that. But sometimes when I'm in a really bad mood I hurt myself to try and ease the mental pain a bit more. Something to take my mind of it I suppose. It started a bit after I quit drinking, a new way to numb the pain. I'm obviously quite embarrassed about it which is why I've never mentioned it. I'm being open now because it's important to be open, it's just the type of thing which will obviously cause distress for others which I'm very afraid of doing. I haven't even decided whether to tell my parents, they already worry so much. I've got some new techniques so that when I'm next in a bad mood I can try and break out of the habit.

Just to make it clear, it's got nothing to do with being suicidal, I think that's a very important distinction to make. I don't very often get those tendencies now, I very much want to live, I cannot say that emphatically enough. I hope anyone reading doesn't worry too much and please don't feel awkward about bringing up your feelings or questions. I want to people to feel at ease. Mental illness is a bastard, but it's something that people need to be open about.

Right, got of to a bit of a dark area there. So here's something to lift the collective spirits. After months of patiently waiting for any sort of news about it, we've very suddenly and without warning been bombarded with the official trailer for Sharktopus! I am very excited for this, in fact I think my excitement has greatly increased now that I've finally seen some footage. But enough babbling, see it for yourselves.

Wow! It's coming out in September and I'll be organizing a screening for friends and family...whether the like it or not. ha ha. What else is happening...? General election announced for next month, given the latest polls I'm not longer worried about the possibility of madman Abbott getting elected, which means I may just go through with voting Greens this time. The Soundwave bands have been gradually announced one at a time, one per week. The proper announcement is in about 2-3 weeks, so I'd better start saving up for that.

I guess the best news is that Eliza is coming home tomorrow, I absolutely cannot wait to have her around the place again. I think her mobile must have run out of battery, because I haven't received any replies for a little bit now. She'll probably be waking up soon and heading to the airport, not sure what her exact schedule is. Think she's back around midday tomorrow. If she can be there for trivia on Tuesday that'd be fantastic.

A very good week all in all, got to hang out with a lot of people, had loads of fun. But also made more progress in regards to university, work and my depression. Very productive. Anyways I'd better go and get ready, I have a dungeon to scour and trolls to ravage. I love you all very much!

Andy Scott

Living Contently Through Mediocrity.

2010-07-11T22:10:00.000+10:00

That's my new motto also my answer to anyone that asks 'what have you been doing lately?'

GahsonofaflamingRAGH! Hello...I didn't see you there. Just returned from Dominos yet again, if they ever have some sort of VIP system I am there! (sadly) I am a victim of my bloody stupid brain making me sleep throughout the day and keeps me awake all night. There's nothing bloody open when you wake up at 8pm... I seem to waking up a little later each day, so if I keep going I'm bound to end up at my usual sleep pattern. You'd think I'd be totally used to this by now...funny. I hate staying up all night, it's so dull...no one's awake except my brothers who each seem to be in a bad sleep pattern of their own. It makes it so much easier to deal with actually. ha. Nothing's open and I'm out of food and hungry...did I mention the boredom?

I've also been in a really crappy mood these last few days, I may have hinted at it in the previous paragraph. One moment I'm angry and muttering under my breath, the next I start crying (in a manly sort of way). Then I spend the rest of the time trying to rationalize it and seek out the source of these troubling emotions. Emotions and rationality just don't seem to mix and I keep forgetting that. Emotions are just a symptom of depression, much like headaches and blocked noses are symptoms of the flu. They come and go and whilst I'm sure there was something that triggered it, that trigger doesn't have to be something massive. It might just be that I was due for a few crappy days of blechness.

So I'm struggling a bit at the moment, so I'm taking time out to relax as much as possible. Still haven't quite worked out what relaxation is for me yet. It's not so bad. Missed out on Manda's housewarming yesterday, just couldn't get myself out of the house. I was looking forward to that too. I hate this so much. I was lying in bed for hours yesterday just wondering why it seems I can never get a break. I'm very grateful for many things in my life, i know i'm lucky in that regard. But I'm just so tired of this constant effort to be stable. blah blah blah...

I've said it all before, doesn't mean I've gained any more clarity over time though. Wouldn't mind some answers one day. Anyways, enough about that. Some good things did happen in the last week or so. I played my first Dungeons & Dragons game and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. As a geek I've always been a bit lacking with my dislike for most sorts of games that other geeks seem to worship. I'd thought that since I'd deemed games like Diablo really, really dull that I wouldn't enjoy the table top equivalent. But it was massively enjoyable. Just another thing I can add to repertoire of things to schedule.

Bought an iPhone earlier in the week, I'd finally had enough of being anchored in the past. I think it was the first time I had to pass a credit check. It's such a small thing, but it makes me feel somewhat successful. Messed up though everything is, I can somehow manage to live by society's standards. It's a good sign. What an amazing piece of technology! It's been making me a tad more social as well, because I'm not afraid of running out of credit. Great way to keep in touch with people and I can surf the Internet from bed. That's all it needs for a thumbs up from this guy. Also I could order pizza from the train! *shriek* Will now have to start putting aside money to pay for it. I is being an adult!

Dum de doo... what else... I'm hungry. Yeah that's about all I wanted to talk about. I'm going to write an entry every Sunday from now until I can get back into writing more often. This way I won't have to think about it six days of the week making myself guilty. So until next week, keep it real...or fantastical if you prefer!

Andy Scott